Virtual Notation In Muse

Regret, Redefine, Reborn

2011-01-28T20:31:00.006-06:00

I never meant to be a fat man. But I ignored me. Yes, I paid attention to myself by putting unhealthy food into my body for years. For years, I bullshitted myself into believing that I could change on my own terms. My own terms were just a mask to cover the reality that I was angry at my body. I was angry at my past. I was angry at all the voices in grade school, junior high, and high school who made me feel like the outsider I really was. I kept hearing voices of disgust and teasing as I was in the locker room or shower. These were the voices that held my attention for almost 25 years. Today, they are dead. The people that own those voices are very much alive, but their voices are muted and pushed off my shoulders into the past where they should be. These are the voices who were mean with their words and their presence. Forgiveness you ask? How do you forgive voices? Voices have hurt and compressed my anger to the point that I was eating myself into their expectations and musings. These were the people who made me feel worthless and excluded. It's not easy to forgive the voices much less the people who own them.

I was becoming something more than that though. I was becoming a dead man. I was eating myself into an early grave. My doctor recently said, “If you continue to eat the way you do, and not exercise or do anything about it, you will die in ten years.” I was eating to make me feel good when deep inside I was nothing but miserable. I was hurt by my past and my present wasn’t any better. Yes, we all feel some sense of alienation when growing up, but I had and continue to have a very sensitive heart for people. All I wanted was to be included by people. And I experienced this at times. There were some good moments of feeling included. Yet even within the profession of being a pastor, parishioners who claim to be friends, are not really, because they do not include, offer words of care, and more or less exclude by their silence. They have preference and it hurts. I thought as adults, we would stop such behavior. I was wrong. This is why I am sensitive to those who find themselves on the periphery of existence. I want to include those who are seen as disposable and expendable. When humanity is responsible for slicing and dicing people into those who fit and those who do not, it makes me sad. I do not see people through eyes of preference or false claims.

I am saddened by how society treats people of size. I am one of them. Yes, I chose to be here. But I no longer am going to be held down by such a category. I am worth more than words of category or words held deaf to the past. I am worth more than eating myself into feelings of hurt, betrayal, and frustration of those left behind who seek to make sense of my death. I am worth living a long life. I am worth living a life on my terms. I am worth living a life without the voices of the past cornering me into a place of self-hate and self-disgust. I am worth giving myself respect and dignity when I have denied myself those very things. I am ashamed by how a lack of love, control, and worth equals excessive weight. I am tired of living without concern or care.

I am going to love myself enough to treat my body as a beautiful creation. I am going to love myself so that I can love others even more. I am going to love myself because I respect myself. Food no longer has control over me. I have gripped food around its greasy neck and squeezed the hell out of it. No longer will I be held captive to the choices I have made and the fast food nightmares my body has endured. No longer will I eat without thought. I will eat to see tomorrow, next year, ten years, fifty years. I want to survive and live. For years, my body was screaming for attention, and now it has it. I am watching it, and watching what I put into it. I have no choice anymore. I want to live and I am going to do it, because life is a gift that I choose each day. I am doing it. I am living for the first time. I am reborn and it feels damn good.

God Is Done Whispering...

2011-01-23T11:19:00.011-06:00

I realize that I have not blogged in a while. Simply because I lost interest. I had a great call to a great church. I did not feel the need to really air my hurt and disgust at the church anymore simply because I was in a place of healing and repair. It was a reciprocal process. The church needed me as I needed it. I can honestly say that if my ministry ended completely, at least I served a church that was indeed, trying to BE the church. So, to bring you up to speed. I left that call to pursue my passion of professional chaplaincy. It has been a wonderful, eye opening, and self-revealing process and experience. One that I am forever thankful and grateful for, as I feel I am being reborn all over again. It is at once, a beautiful and painful process of self-discovery in terms of knowing who the hell I am, where I come from, how I behave, what motivations are there, understanding teaming, etc. It is full of parallel process. I see patients everyday who make me think of something in my own life. This has been one of the most challenging aspects of this experience for me. No one really likes to look into a mirror to see what's really revealed. In this case, when I see others, it is at times, like looking into a mirror to see a reflection of who I am, and what I am.

Not long ago, I was paged to a Code Blue. A code blue is when a patient is all of a sudden unresponsive meaning the heart has stopped, the patient is not breathing, no pulse, etc. I arrived to the room, only to see around 18 people working as hard as they could to revive this man. I stood outside the room as I was told only medical people were allowed in the room. This was the first time I felt "out of place" by an MD. But I respected the situation and chose to be a presence on the side. When all was said and done, I accompanied the patient down to ICU with the cardiologist and RN. The patient was wheeled into a room, medical people did what they had to do to settle him into the surroundings, and I was there alone with him. This is where I looked into the mirror. The patient was a large man, pushing at least 450. He was in his mid-50's, not married, no children or family present. Here he was hooked to tubes and wires, was intubated, and all I could see was myself. I thought to myself, "If I continue to eat and not exercise the way I have been doing all these years, I will end up like this guy." This is the purest definition of parallel process as it gets. Although he really didn't have family, I felt so much compassion for this man. It is the sad part that when the MD tried to contact the one emergency contact, he could not be found.

The next day, my colleague was on call and was paged to come to ICU. The patient that I had prayed for and saw myself in, died. The heart attack was so severe that the only was he was kept alive was through machines. Once family had been contacted and brought in the patient's advanced medical directive, it was found that he did not want to be in his present state of being kept artificially alive. This man was extubated, wires and tubes removed, IV gone, and left to die a natural death where his heart would just stop. The next week, I found his obituary online and it was fairly small, no back story or family mentioned. Name, age, time of death, funeral and burial information were the only bits of information offered. I was sad to see such a few words to speak about this man who obviously had a story, but perhaps someone did not feel it was important that it be at least mentioned to celebrate his life.

Last Wednesday morning, I woke up at about 0430 with chest pains. They were severe enough to get me out of bed. I got dressed, packed the man-child and dropped him off, and went north thinking I was heading into work. Instead I took a detour into St. Mary's. By this time, my chest was hurting. When you go to the ER and say you have chest pains, it does not take long for people to surround you and get you on telemetry and take an EKG. I was also given some meds to open blood vessels and oh yeah, calm me down. They moved me into a heart observation area by the ER where I am fairly sure RNs play cards to see who will be on shift for these rooms. I still have no clue who my nurse was for the night I was there. Long story short, I took a physical stress test which did not last too long. I was then given a nuclear test (chemical test) to stress my heart that way. Let's say it was one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced. They then took pics of my heart under stress, and the plan was to keep me overnight and take pics of my heart in the AM of my heart at rest. They did both. In the morning the MD came in and I quote, "Well, the bad news is that the cardiologist thinks he may have found something on your heart. He cannot say for sure because it might be what's called an artifact (a blur) or it could be a blockage." I immediately stopped listening to what the MD said next. It was like listening to the Charlie Brown teacher. She left and I sat on the bed and cried. I was scared. My mind immediately went to, "On my God, I am going to die." I was all alone in that moment and all I could think about was my wife and kids. It was a moment I will never forget. I am going to see a cardiologist to talk about options. I might need to have an exploratory procedure done to see if there is a blockage. If there is, they can stent it. I am still scared and yet this has forced me to change my lifestyle right NOW.

You know, this whole experience of being in a clinical residency where I get to be a student of the soul is both revealing and affirming who God is making me to be. There are moments of revelation that are not pleasant because then I have to confront my growth areas. These are the moments that as painful as they are, I am thankful for them. It means that I am changing, I am evolving, and I am transforming into a better man of God. I work in a place that reminds me that life is a gift. Life is precious. Death can occur at any moment of our lives. If there is a reminder I see at the hospital weekly, is that there is a fine line between life and death. People who continue to smoke, eat anything and everything they want, remain addicted to substances, or continue to ignore the MD's orders to simply take their medications; these are ones who ride that fine line. I want to expand that line from life to death as far as I can because I am worth it. My friends are worth it. My family is worth it. I have more life I want to live. And by God, I am going to be conscious of being a healthy person who takes care of himself because from here, new life is possible.

Christmas Eve 2009

2010-01-03T18:10:00.005-06:00

Welcome The Gift Who Arrives
Luke 2:1-14 (15-20)

TJ was big for his age – seven years old. He was awkward in his mannerisms and his speech, kind of a slow learner. Everyone in TJ’s class wondered what role the music teacher would give in the upcoming Christmas play. Maybe she’d let him pull the open the curtain. When the parts were finally assigned, to everyone’s surprise in the class, the music teacher gave TJ the role of the innkeeper. The boy was overjoyed to get the part. After all, all he had to learn was just one line: “There is no room for you here.” He studied that one line and committed it to memory. The big night finally came. Every seat in the theater was filled.

Cameras and video cameras were at the ready, the house lights went down, and the audience went silent. The classes all entered singing “O Come All Ye Faithful,” as they took their place on the risers. When the set was wheeled in just left of the singers, Mary and Joseph entered and walked to the front door of the inn. Joseph knocked. TJ opened the door, and Joseph said, “Please sir, do you have any room for the night? My wife is… TJ was supposed to interrupt him with his line, but he hesitated. “There is…” He had practiced the line all day and now he forgot it. TJ started over again. “There is…” And again his mind went completely blank. Some singers behind him snickered, but TJ just didn’t know what to do. Joseph wanting to move on, took Mary’s hand and started walking away toward the stable down-stage. Seeing the young couple walk away disappointed, TJ out of desperation said the only thing he could, “Wait, there’s room at my house.”

When we scan the characters of the Christmas story, we recognize their roles, we are familiar with them, and we have grown close to them over the years. We hear about the perseverance of the far eastern astrologers who made the long trek, bringing with them the rare gifts fit for a true king. We think about the ever vigilant young men tending to their sheep on the outskirts of town, and why this group of people was the first to tell of the coming of God among them. They are the heroes of the story.

Yet, when we think of innkeeper, our immediate opinion of him is not so positive. It’s as if we see him standing there in the doorway of the inn, yawning from his disturbed sleep, giving Mary and Joseph the evil eye, and with the long day behind him, the inn full of nagging guests in their rooms snoring away, from an unwilling attitude to help, he says, “Take the stable out back and leave me alone.” We’d like to think that the innkeeper was a little more understanding, but maybe at that hour, after welcoming so many into the inn, fielding the many concerns and questions of his guests about the census, and maybe the final straw was running out of clean towels and vanity soaps, the innkeeper’s fuse was shortened because of the long day.

Yet, regardless of what was said to Mary and Joseph by the innkeeper, the hard reality of that night, was that there was no room at that inn to be found for the young family expecting their first child. It was if the very first message Jesus ever received from the earth he came to was one of rejection: “there’s no room for you here Jesus.”

Looking back at any situation offers a 20/20 perspective. Had the innkeeper known who was knocking at his door that night, would he have been overjoyed like young TJ was, to offer the young holy family his own room? Would he have welcomed the baby Jesus into his own his own home, into his own place of business, and more importantly, into his own life? Would the innkeeper having looked back and realized who he could not welcome into his life, would it have changed his perspective about this desperate young father and mother to be? How would his life have changed had there been room enough for Jesus to come on in….not only into his home, but into his heart?

I can’t blame the innkeeper. Because the innkeeper is us. It’s easy to not pay attention to the unannounced knocking of God in our hearts, when we are too preoccupied to welcome Him. Everyone of us in some way, shape, or form, has simply gone on with our own business, adding to the chaos of a blurry world of activity, schedules, and deadlines, blatantly oblivious to the signs of the holy around us. We thank God for coming, but we’d rather live by our own priorities. Maybe we can squeeze God in only when we determine there’s room enough for Him. Maybe we give God only room enough to come to us when we assume we know how much space He requires. And, yet without question or second thought, as we sing the mighty song “Joy To The World” at the top of our lungs, we proclaim “Let every heart prepare Him room.” When the arrival of God is treated as another thing we have to find room for, it’s not really a gift is it? Don’t we sense that our lives are worth more than just adding to the emptiness within? Don’t we sense there could be so much more in us than just another year of disappointments, empty promises, or regrets? Don’t we sense the best gift is welcomed into our hearts, right here tonight?

The baby Jesus comes so that all people will experience the fullness of God’s presence in their lives, in their jobs, in their families, and in the very center of what gives them life; people will experience God in their hearts. God comes to each of us tonight, so that we might be filled with His very life; a life that began in the soft beauty of a baby. Isn’t this the best gift we can receive?

Receiving this gift as we do reminds me of a story I once read that I’d like to share with you.

We were the only family with children in the restaurant. I sat my infant son Erik in a high chair and noticed everyone was quietly eating and talking. Suddenly, Erik squealed with glee and said, "Hi there." He pounded his fat baby hands on the highchair tray. His eyes were wide with excitement and his mouth was bared in a toothless grin. He wriggled and giggled with merriment. I looked around and saw the source of his merriment. It was a man with a tattered rag of a coat: dirty, greasy and worn. His pants were baggy with a zipper at half-mast and his toes poked out of would-be boots. His shirt was dirty and his hair was uncombed, matted, and unwashed. His whiskers were too short to be called a beard and his nose was so varicose it looked like a road map.

We were too far from him to smell, but I am sure he smelled. His hands waved and flapped on loose wrists. "Hi there, baby; hi there, big boy. I see ya, buster," the man said to Erik. husband and I exchanged looks as if to ask, "What do we do?" Erik continued to laugh and wave at him. Everyone in the restaurant noticed and looked at us and then at the man. They all kind of gave us staring glares as if to say, how dare you bring your baby here and make so much noise while we’re eating, and with your baby giving attention to that man who doesn’t deserve it!

The old geezer was creating a nuisance with my beautiful baby. Our meal came and the man began shouting from across the room, "Do ya know patty cake? Do you know peek-a-boo? Hey, look, he knows peek-a-boo." Nobody thought the old man was cute. He was obviously drunk. My husband and I were embarrassed. We all sat there and ate in silence; all except for Erik, who was running through his repertoire for the admiring skid-row bum, who in turn, reciprocated with his cute comments. We finally got through the meal and headed for the door. My husband went to pay the check and told me to meet him in the parking lot.

The old man sat poised between me and the door. As soon as I saw the situation, I immediately prayed, "Lord, just let me out of here before he speaks to me or Erik.” As I drew closer to the man, I turned my back trying to shield Erik, but Erik leaned over my arm, reaching with both arms in a baby's "pick-me-up" position. Before I could stop him, Erik had propelled himself from my arms to the man's. Suddenly a very old smelly man and a very young happy baby met in a beautiful relationship. Erik, in an act of total trust, love, and submission laid his tiny head upon the man's ragged shoulder.

The man's eyes closed, and I saw tears hover beneath his lashes. His aged hands full of grime, pain, and years of hard labor--gently, so gently, cradled my baby's bottom and stroked his back. No two beings have ever loved so deeply for so short a time. I stood speechless.

The old man rocked and cradled Erik in his arms for a moment, and then his eyes opened and set squarely on mine. He said in a soft gentle voice, "You take care of this baby." Somehow I managed, "I will," from the bolder in my throat. He pried Erik from his chest--unwillingly, longingly, as though he were in pain. I received my baby, and the man said, "God bless you, ma'am, you've given me my Christmas gift." I said nothing more than a muttered thanks. And with Erik in my arms, I ran for the car.

My husband was wondering why I was crying and holding Erik so tightly, and why I was saying, "My God, my God, forgive me." I had just witnessed complete and unconditional love shown through the innocence of a tiny child who saw no sin, who made no judgment; a child who saw a soul, and a mother who saw a suit of clothes. I was a follower of Jesus who was blind, holding a child who was not. It was as if God was asking-- "Are you willing to share your son just for a moment?"--when God shared His son for all eternity? The ragged old man, unwittingly, had reminded me, "The best gift is given out of love.”

Isn’t that the true picture of Christmas tonight? We are that old man; dirty, grimy, hungry, stuck in the truck stop of our daily lives. And Jesus is the baby who giggles at us, waves to us, and when he is close to us, leaps from God’s arms, reaches out to us, and embraces us. We are the ones who hold Jesus for ourselves. That’s when we feel the tears swell up as we close our eyes, gently treasuring this moment as if it’s the gift we’ve always been waiting for. This is the gift that fills our hearts, occupying it to its fullest capacity. This is God’s beautiful gift given to us tonight.

My friends, peace always be with you. Amen.

3rd Week Of Advent

2009-12-14T21:00:00.004-06:00

The Voice Invites Us
Luke 3:7-18

In a 1959 speech given in Indianapolis, President Kennedy said, “When written in Chinese, the word ‘crisis’ is composed of two characters – one represents danger, and the other represents opportunity.” The tone of John the Baptizer’s words tonight/this morning is one of immediacy. The people of Israel are in crisis even if they aren’t fully aware of it. John’s words have all the signs of danger where judgment is possible. And yet, his words also take on this sense that opportunity has arrived and people are invited to respond to it. Within the urgency and integrity of John’s message was judgment, but in the judgment was opportunity, and opportunity was proclaimed to the people in the word “repent.”

Our gospel text says that John “went into all the country around the Jordan and, preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.” Immediately for some, this was incredibly good news. In repenting, people no longer had to be defined by their past. People no longer had to be captive to their failures, their choices, or their inadequacies. The people could repent. They could move on. They could be given a new slate. They could start over.

“Wouldn’t you be untrusting of a world where repentance wasn’t possible? What if there was no chance to repent and start over? Some might even define hell as being that place. Hell is a place where there is no possibility of repentance. There’s no way out, no chance to get rid of the past, no chance to start again. Hell defines you by your past.” Repent is a word that is loaded with so much potential. “It pays us human beings a sublime compliment, because it says that you and I can do something about the course of life we are on. Animals don’t get that luxury…they live by the instincts demanded of them.” Human beings, you and I, have the ability to make course corrections. If we are on the wrong train of living, we can get off and get on another one that moves in the direction of our integrity and character. If we are headed down a path of self-destruction, we can make a 180 and choose a path that leads to life.

This doesn’t always mean that our past is wiped clean from us even if we do repent. Sometimes our past is needed to remind us where we’ve been. But that past does not have to determine where we are going. “Yes, we may not be able to change what we’ve already done, and we may not be able to fully escape the consequences of those past choices.” But we do not need to be on any sort of destructive path. The path that we are on determines the direction we are going, and when we repent, we change directions because we’ve changed our intention to go somewhere else. We can repent, make a 180, and start the journey over. John’s words call people into this gift of repentance, this very gift of God for those who really want it, for those who really see the potential to a new beginning, for those who see nothing but hope in front of them. “His words might have been sharp and penetrating but he led the people to a door, to an opportunity, to a way out from their sinful lives and accept the gift of God to start over.”

With his words, John attracted all kinds of people. There were those who were honestly seeking this gift of repentance; this opportunity for a new life. And then there were those who were seeking an easy way out. John warns them of superficial repentance saying, “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bear fruits worthy of repentance. Do not begin to say to yourselves, ‘we have Abraham as our ancestor’; for I tell you, God is able from these stones to raise up children to Abraham.”

For John, the message is clear. Each generation has to decide for themselves if they are going to be the people of God or not. No generation can assume to ride the coattails of their ethnic heritage in order to receive salvation. God will not be dependent on the physical descent of Israelites in order to accomplish His redemptive work. If that was God’s choice, God could certainly act with sovereign freedom to produce other children to Abraham out of the very lifeless stones in the desert. And because there wasn’t a shortage of stones, God was unlimited to make the numbers He needed to accomplish His redemptive work with or without the people of Israel.

As if it couldn’t be any more disappointing for people seeking an easy superficial way out, John adds that those who believe their actions as individuals bear no consequence on them as an entire people, the ax is already at the foot of the tree. If the people of Israel fail by their actions to produce good fruits of repentance, the ax of God could easily swing, uprooting the entire nation, falling by the judgment of God. If these people are not interested in being the people of God, how is God able to bring redemption to them unless they repent for all the right reasons? How will the people respond?

For any generation who seeks to be the people of God, redemption takes place only when the people own up to their own failures, their own greed, or their own indifference to others. When people have repented of their choices, there is room enough for redemption to enter in. This is the voice of John, preparing a way for the Lord, making straight paths for him, telling people the time has come to repent of the past, to make different choices today, to live a new life, because the Lord is coming and bringing salvation with him.

In being a redeemed people, it is right John says, to practice ethical reform, to show that those fruits of repentance really matter. It is right to show the evidence of a changed repentant heart. It is right to give out of one’s abundance. As Jesus will remind the people, “From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be expected.” It is also right to refrain from exploiting people for personal gain either by overtaxing them or extorting money from them. To carelessly do either one was not living a repentant life.

This was John’s advice. “As incisive as his words were, this advice was practical as he spoke in terms the people could put into practice that very day.” People could decide for themselves that day to make a 180, turn around, and live as changed people, people willing to be the people of God. Or they could stay on the same course of life their on and assume they know better than John, trusting in their own understanding of salvation first.

John’s question set before the people is the same as our question today, will this generation be the people of God? Will this generation seek to go it alone when there is so much that is promised before us? Don’t the people know, that God is coming to be with His people? The prophet Zephaniah is quick to say, “The Lord, your God, is in your midst, a warrior who gives victory; he will rejoice over you with gladness, he will renew you in His love; he will exult over you with loud singing as on a day of festival.” For Zephaniah, the future is the same one John calls the people to prepare for: a future where the people of God will be eyewitnesses to God’s salvation.

These people will be redeemed. And when John asks the tough question, “will you people live that redemption,” people are left to decide for themselves if they will receive the one who is more powerful than John, “the one who will baptize all people with the Holy Spirit and fire?” Will they seize the opportunity to be the people of God, witnessing to God’s salvation among them?

Receiving John’s words is an opportunity to change ones outlook. It is to understand that God will restore His people, and the one who comes after John will be the very means for that restoration. As Professor Mark Kolden from Luther seminary says, “Jesus is both the one in whom God saves us and the model of the godly life for us; such salvation will thoroughly change us and it will be good for us and for others. Our lives are to be realigned toward God’s future salvation, right down to our daily work, our possessions, and our behavior. The Holy Spirit and the fire that come with Christ’s baptism are God’s way of changing us. If we hear this only in religious terms, we miss the biblical force of these words: “Spirit” is the same word as “wind,” and in this context perhaps it is more like God’s whirlwind, God’s tornado, which, along with the fire, turns everything upside down and gets rid of all the unessentials. The judgment must come; that is only good news in the sense that after the judgment comes the kingdom. After the threshing and burning of the chaff the wheat is gathered. After repentance comes forgiveness. After crucifixion comes resurrection. There is no other way, this gospel is telling us, than God’s way. And this is good news, for it is into this way that we and all flesh are invited.”

What an amazing opportunity you and I are invited into. “As we listen to the words of the Baptizer standing knee-deep in the cold waters of the Jordan,” there is no better time than now to prepare for the celebration of Jesus coming, to repent of our past and look forward to our future, to celebrate the arrival of God with arms raised high in expectation that the Lord is coming with mercy and grace enough for all of us. This is the time to be the people of God, to seize the opportunity witnessing to God’s salvation among us.

This is the time to be the people of God. This is the time to meet the advent of our Lord’s coming, where we the people of God stand in the waters of baptism rejoicing together and as one people, we say the words of Isaiah together, “Surely God is our salvation; we will trust, and will not be afraid, for the Lord God is our strength and our might; He has become our salvation.”

My friends, peace always be with you. Amen.

"Since using Blogger/Facebook is impossible to footnote and give credit due, I want make sure that those sermons and people are recognized for giving me inspiration for my own sermon. Even though my original sermon typed out has all the proper footnotes, unfortunately, here it just looks like random quotes. Please feel free to check these sermons/articles as they are well crafted and well worth the read." JMH

"The Divine Opportunity." J. Ellsworth Kallas
"The Birth of Jesus Never Saved Anyone: The Lucan Advent Texts." Professor Mark Kolden
"What Then Shall We Do?" Rev. Dr. William Willimon

Sometimes, We Can See The Stars (Luke 21:25-36)

2009-12-08T19:12:00.011-06:00

Right now, I want to run to the manger. I want to kneel at it and see the face of the newborn baby Jesus. I want to feel the warmth of the moment, and be comforted once again this year that my savior has finally been born. While the mall and the big box stores keep reminding me that the commercialism of Christmas has arrived in their slick advertisements and greased up sales pitches meant to relieve my purchasing anxiety, it just makes me want to run that much faster to the manger to see that Jesus has finally come. But I would be disappointed to see how dark it is at that manger.

No one’s there yet. No one’s arrived. There’s no glow or warmth there yet. From here to there, I can’t see the manger. A billion miles of darkness separates me from it, and I want to be led, I want to be shown the way, and I want to be brought into the baby’s presence. But if all I see is darkness, how will I know where to go? How will I know how to get there? This is the first Sunday in Advent. It is a time from here to the manger where you and I are to prepare, reflect, and wait. It’s an important time for each one of us. It’s a time to stand in the darkness and look for light.

At best it’s difficult to see the light when your head is hung in exhaustion and you are desperate to be redeemed. Yet in the gospel reading, Jesus is speaking to people who know full well, in their history as a people, about redemption. These are Exodus people. These are Passover people. These people have a history of being squeezed out of Egypt, Babylon and Rome. To these people, redemption is the aching of their hearts. It’s their dream. It’s their collective cry with their hands stretched out saying, “O God, rescue me. Deliver me. Bend Your ear toward me, O God, and in your righteousness save me.”

Jesus is speaking to people who want to be set free. With his return to earth, merging heaven to it, Christ comes to finalize the kingdom where the righteousness of God will at last fill the earth. In that coming of God’s redemption, when the merging of heaven and earth take place Jesus says to his followers, “stand up, and raise your heads, because your redemption is coming.” When life is coming apart at the seams, your redemption is coming. When life is toppling over and falling down fast, your redemption is coming. When life appears to be without a future, your redemption is coming. The coming of God’s redemption is good news for people whose life is nothing but bad news. Right now, this is good news for we who are standing in the darkness looking for light.

It’s as if Jesus is saying to each one of us today, when things in your world are at their worst and they couldn’t seem like they could get any blacker or heavier, guess who’s coming to be with you? Guess who shows up? God arrives.I love the image in the parable that Jesus tells the disciples, “Look at the fig tree and all the trees; as soon as they sprout leaves, you can see for yourselves and know that summer is already near.”

Now, this image might be difficult to envision right now since we are at the beginning of winter and all the leaves have fallen to the ground, but next spring, trees all around us will begin to sprout new leaves, flowers will begin to break out from the ground, grass will begin to grow in all of its color and thickness. The fragrant smells of the trees, flowers, and grass all come alive. It is symbolic of spring that as the change of season comes, so too does new life. New life arrives in all of its color, beauty, and change. When Christ comes to merge heaven and earth, when he comes again, new life will begin in all of its color, beauty, and change. New life will arrive. Redemption is coming. This is the promise of God. The message of Advent is one of promise. God promises that in Jesus Christ, there is a future. There is a future where redemptive new life takes place. God will do this through Christ. For all who trust the promises of God, this news is reason enough to wait.

There’s an ancient Persian saying that reads, “When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.” There’s something transcendent and mystical about going outside this time of year at night, and looking up at the heavens, when we see the stars in their brightest and most magnificent light. Yet in order to see the stars most clearly, it has to be the darkest.

I remember driving on a crisp, winter night at the end of December to go see Karen for Christmas. So there I was driving west on this lonely rural highway 17 between Edmore and Adams literally in the middle of nowhere, and I just happened to look to my left. And what I saw made me hit the brakes, pull my car over, and get out to see. There in front of me, across the entire black winter sky were the brightest northern lights I had ever seen in my life. The purples, and blues, and greens were all jumping, and dancing. I stood there silently and took it all in. I must have been there for 20 minutes just staring at this amazing masterpiece of God. To this day, I’ve never seen the northern lights as bright and intense as they were that night.

Jesus reminds us that when our world is at its most blackest, when life is as dark as its going to get, “stand up, and raise your heads, because your redemption is coming.” As we wait, prepare, and reflect on the Advent of God’s coming, we have a lot of darkness to navigate before we reach the manger. It can seem tiring, stressful, or restless. And yet, I am reminded that even in the darkness of my life and yours, there’s only one light that leads us to the manger and it’s the star that hangs above it. It’s a star that leads us through the darkness of our waiting. It leads us through the blackest of days and nights that we face. It leads us by its brightest and most intense light. This light overcomes the darkness of the world, inviting it to raise its hopes, to raise its expectations, to raise its awareness, and to raise its vigilance.

This light leads us through this Advent darkness to see the one who carries out the promises of God on behalf of a world that cries out for liberation. In this Advent darkness, we cannot deny that nations remain torn and fragmented by bombs, tanks, and check mate politics. We cannot deny the devastation of disease, AIDS, and malnutrition on the babies of this world. We cannot deny the selfish disregard for future generations in hijacking natural resources for our own mass consumption here and now. We cannot deny the proliferation of global problems that remain unsolved by humanity’s faults. For the world and its problems, it cannot get any darker. But we also cannot deny that God is faithful to Jesus Christ, that Jesus Christ has a future and that our redemption is entwined with his future; a future that leads us through this darkness by a star.

This light guides the world through its darkness to see whose plans he holds. And once we get to the manger, we’ll know everything will be alright. As sure as the promises of God remain, redemption is coming.

My friends, peace always be with you. Amen.

What Does The Future Look Like? (Mark 13:1-8)

2009-11-17T12:53:00.028-06:00

So, I gotta be honest, this is one of those gospel texts that makes me cringe simply because at first, it’s difficult to process anything positive out of Jesus words. False messiahs, wars, famine, earthquakes – these are not comforting images we like to live with. But the question Jesus leaves us hanging on as we flesh this out, is “what does the future look like?”

If the future were left for humanity to decide, Jesus predicts humanity fails. It fails as it fights against itself, as it deceives itself, as it claims to be the Messiah, as it starves itself, as its powers will prove to be disappointing. It fails because it wants to play God. I am reminded of the first commandment in which God said to His people, “I am the Lord Your God…you shall have no other gods.”

If humanity plays God and acts as if it determines the future as God would, it fails to put God first and and trust the future to God. Yet this is what the Temple represents. It represents greed and exploitation and as Jesus predicts, God wants nothing to do with it, because God is not put first in the hearts of those who represent Him, even though this impressive structure was intentionally built to be the dwelling place for God on earth among His people. It may have been big and impressive to look at on the outside, but it was ugly, small, and corrosive on the inside.

Is it any wonder that the temple does not stand today? Perhaps it doesn’t stand because it’s death opens up the way for another temple to be resurrected. Jesus himself is that very temple, that indwelling of God where God comes to earth to be with His people as a flesh and blood reminder of His very presence. This is the temple we bring our worship to. This is the very temple we find comfort, rest, love, hope, joy, and relief in. This is the very temple we find life in here and now. We experience the salvation in Christ that is available to us here and now. Christ is our life. Through the cross and resurrection, we are reconciled to God here and now. This is our temple here and now.

But what about the future? What does the future look like? There’s a concept in philosophy and theology known as eschatology. Eschatology is concerned with what are believed to be the final events in the ultimate destiny of humanity or the end of the world as we know it. So many movies and books are written from this lens. In fact, this past Friday, Columbia Pictures released the movie “2012,” depicting the end of civilization through global flooding, earthquakes, and volcanoes. And of course, the question the movie asks is, “what does the future look like? As people of faith, we live in this tension between now and the future. We live in this experience of salvation here and now, yet the fullness of salvation is incomplete. The world is not yet fully redeemed. Sin, evil, suffering, corrupt systems, oppressive powers are still in existence all around us. Yet this tension you and I live in is there for a reason.

Some people are very uncomfortable with this tension, and they want the future now. There are those people for whom the end of the world seems far too attractive and they buy into chronological ordering of events not only in the world, but of the world they make for themselves. They desperately believe that they have the future so cornered, that they relieve their responsibilities from the rest of the world, and concentrate on their own individual survival sometimes with tragic outcomes.

Groups like the Branch Davidians, the Heavens Gate Cult, or the People’s Temple, all ended in tragedy because the future was far more believable, more promising, more relevant than what the here and now could ever offer. What was it that Jesus said? "Beware of those who come in my name and say I am he. They will lead you astray." These charismatic leaders all refused to believe that any good could ever come by fully living with hope here and now. They all wanted to play God and determine the future for themselves.

So what does the future look like? The future is decisively in the hands of God, and as people of faith, we participate in relieving the tension between life and death in the world always remembering what Jesus tells us, “Don’t be scared.” What we know about the past, present, and even the future is that God has come to dwell with us in His very Son, to take up residence among His very people here on earth. We are given the Holy Spirit to continue to extend the body of Christ into the world so that it be connected, so that love overcomes oppression, and hope overcomes despair.

It would be very easy to live in fear of the future, to be paralyzed by it, to protect ourselves from it simply because we see the present and we don’t like where it’s headed. We would essentially live in despair. Why bother to live if what we see around us is not comforting or painless? Yet to live this way is to avoid the needs of others and that’s not why Jesus lives among us. He lives among us, as His body is extended into the world, to bring sustainable hope into the world.

It is reminiscent of the ancient Greek myth of Pandora. She was tempted to open the jar she was told not to open. In doing so, she released all evil, sadness, and pain into the world, but she managed to close it right before hopelessness was released. And that is one thing, the Greeks believed that all humans could be sustained with. Humans were left with nothing but hope.

As I mentioned in this past month’s church newsletter, I recently went to an all day seminar at St. Mary’s Hospital, and it was called, “cultivating hope during difficult times.” That day was an amazing opportunity for me to listen to people who have overcome the most paralyzing odds against them through the sustaining power of hope. Over and over again, I kept hearing the same thing: hope is a decision, hope is a choice. The statement that really tugged at my heart was “hope is an act of defiance when the odds are against you.” When we defy something, we no longer believe it has power over us. We take a defiant stand against it. We believe that our stand against the odds is a manifestation of the hope inside of us, rather than to allow the power of the odds define us from the outside. If we set this understanding of hope against the backdrop of the gospel text for tonight/this morning, we are offered a much different picture than one grounded in fear and despair.

Our hope is sustained by the breaking of Jesus Christ into our world, where God holds its very future in His hands. In the present and in the future, we have nothing to fear, because hope is where our faith exists now. Our existing faith is sustained by the one who saves the world from itself, even when the world fails to acknowledge just how broken it continues to become. This is why the global temples of greed, oppression, war, self-interest, cannot stand tall. The body of Christ sustained by faith together, his church, is a force of change, dismantling those temples and leaving the rubble where it falls as a reminder that these global temples of self-importance are temporal and powerless while the true temple of our worship is eternal and empowering.

Without this hope we have together, that not only sustains us but sends us out into the global temples to speak and act on behalf of those the temples oppress, we might as well pack our bags, build the necessary walls of separation, and hunker down, and wait for the end of the world to come. Because it is so much easier to turn a blind eye out of hopelessness than look directly into the evils of the world and know their place among us is intolerable and unacceptable. This is why the temple of hope, Jesus Christ is among us. It is he who gives life and shines light into the very dark spaces of neglect.

Yes, the future is decisively in the hands of God, but we do not neglect the present, riding it out and sidestepping the opportunities to share Christ with the world he’s come into, even when we share Christ among the temples of the world whose time to come down will eventually come. There can be only one God worshipped, and that’s the God of life. And we bring our worship to His very Son; our sanctuary, our savior, our Temple. All other temples have no future.

We know the future does not belong to us, and so we worship the only God who holds it, who comes among us to deliver hope in the face of fear and uncertainty. He is the savior of the world, who reassures that this world is in good hands.

So, what does the future look like? It looks like a kingdom where God reigns and the fullness of salvation is complete. The future finally arrives.

My friends, peace always be with you. Amen.

Hope Is An Act Of Defiance

2009-10-28T22:37:00.004-05:00

Recently, I attended a pastoral care conference at St. Mary’s Hospital. It was well worth my time as I spent the day learning about the very real potential and possibilities “hope” offers to us, especially when life is difficult, painful, or challenged. I heard some amazing stories of how life was challenged by disease, a complicated pregnancy, and the untimely death of newborns and how the very people who shared these stories, were able to navigate through those moments holding out hope. Yet, as I heard and maybe as you have experienced, hope does not always come when we most need it. It does not always come so easily for some as it might for others. Hope at times, seems like the last offering of comfort ever possible when someone is entrenched in the despair of the situation. But, as I have experienced, and what I heard again and again from people who have lived through these traumatic experiences, is that hope is a choice. It is not something that is out of reach, or something to be earned, or removed from the human will at all. To live with hope, is to make the choice, choosing to believe that life will improve whether the evidence proves it will or not.

Dr. Jerome Groopman wrote a book titled, The Anatomy of Hope: How People Prevail In The Face of Illness. A fascinating book, Groopman attempts to provide insight into the power, or perceived power, of making choices for oneself, even choosing to avoid medical treatment within the context of potential despair and grim medical consequences. Rather, he attempts to articulate what it means for people to celebrate the healing power of hope despite the overwhelming odds against them to do so. He says, “To hope under the most extreme circumstances is an act of defiance that permits a person to live his/her life on his/her terms.” An act of defiance! It’s been my experience that people feel powerless when their lives are traumatized medically or psychologically. People feel as if all strength within them escapes, they become overwhelmed unable to pan the lens back and see the wide angle of their circumstance. They feel disempowered to make constructive and motivational decisions because all they see is the problem, the issue, the event. While counseling people, I see this played out over and over again as if there is a paralyzing default that exists. Not everyone is like this. There are those who are reactionary and become pro-active, thinking through the situation for options and possibilities. Conversely, there are those for whom they live in the trauma; the blinders prevent them from seeing any way out of their emotional and spiritual despair. The default exists from person to person, circumstance to circumstance. And yet, what I find most disarming with each person is the ability to articulate hope, sometimes for them, sometimes with them.

But this articulated hope is not just any random bit and piece of pop-psychology. No, this hope is something else. This hope is grounded in the incarnated God, who is not removed from pain, or trauma. The walking God is grounded with us, feeling what we feel. His body shares the burdens of life together for each other’s sake of life, because as Christ taught each of us, each person’s life matters and matters to God. What this says about God, is that God is not beyond our reach, or seated somewhere else to watch us as a passive observer. Let’s not forget: God knows a thing or two about experiencing the trauma of losing His son. He knows what it feels like when life becomes darkened by the unexpected. He knows what life feels like when there is no other choice but to believe hope is possible out of death, out of disease, out of abuse, out of addiction, or out of shame. And as God, you cannot know these things unless you are with your people on the ground where life is lived out.

This is the hope that grounds me, and this is the hope that I hold out for people who feel life is hopeless, when life nosedives, when life is challenged by the unexpected. This is the incarnate hope which gives us life, when we feel as if we are left for dead. This incarnate hope of Jesus Christ, the walking God among us, is defiant in a world where the easy thing to do is just give up and be swallowed up by suffering. Yet Jesus comes alongside of us in whatever state of mind we are in, sits with us, listens to us, and reminds that life is full of hope when God is present. Hope is a choice to believe that the presence of God is an act of defiance to be present in the darkest of hells we visit. Hope is knowing that Jesus lives outside the tomb from where death is defeated, so that we too can be resurrected from our own tombs. Tombs do not define us. Outside our tombs, hope is where we live, full of choices and possibilities so that life is defined by what we make of it. It is worth it as it is beautiful. It is beautiful as it is a gift. May you choose to be defiant against the odds. Peace be with you.

The Latest Poem From "Violations Of Black"

2009-10-27T12:18:00.005-05:00

Lately, I have been asking myself, "how do I leave those dark spaces people invite me into?" When people pour their souls out in a moment that has every indication it's desperate, it's painful, and it's paralyzing, how do I as the listener offer myself to listen, and yet be strong enough to be a source of dependability all while being able to separate myself from it all? I was recently counseling someone who shared with me some horrific details of what's going on with their life, and those details played on my emotions for weeks. Obviously my life is not theirs, but it was if I was living in those details because I was trusted to be there. What helps me realize that I don't have to keep pushing the play button is to simply pan back the lens, and see it for what it all really looks like. When someone is paralyzed by a trauma of the soul, I can be there, but I don't need to stay there. I can pan the lens back and see that the real possibilities to heal are grounded in hope itself. And I find this helpful for my own sense of frustration, but moreso with people who see no possible future. This poem from "Violations Of Black" definitely approaches a trauma from someone desperate enough to seek out a listener yet, the listener wants to empower the seeker to see beyond that tunnel vision and focus on what is possible.

secondary trauma

10.26.09

living with the violations and dark places of others,

the mind takes on a variable shift of emotional release.

it goes from hurt, elation, regret, to recompense.

the swirling of thought, words, and momentum take their place.

it’s as if it all comes in way too fast to safely land in the head.

it slows the pace of control into a display of disconnect replayed.

yet, the words keep coming….they don’t stop for lack of indifference.

they play out like an all too familiar horror story between

the innocent and the monstrous antagonist who wants nothing

more than to hijack trust for their own demented satisfaction.

it leaves the listener in a position of vulnerability to which

there is no viable strength on which to lean or embrace.

yet, that’s not possible nor are the defenses defiant.

others have no possible inclination of the images,

or the motivations, or the insidious reasoning people carry with them.

carrying the day to day tension between life and death,

between peace and hell, between love and hate—

it all recalibrates the inner-compass slightly so that it points inward.

the surface is broken with the things disliked to begin with,

and it all struggles to tame the depressive spiraling, day from day.

it breaks the surface to reveal the unlikable, the unspeakable,

and the irreversible scarring of fragility uncared for.

when is it permissible to allow the words to stop being heard?

when is it permissible to stop envisioning the images that are shared?

yes, to live there is to believe the secondary trauma is owned—

perhaps by the listener more so than the owner.

God forbid, the danger lies not so much in listening to it all,

but believing it’s all up for grabs, to be sold to the less fortunate,

or to be sold off to the less faithful who disavow the power of forgiveness.

the listener is left to hold onto the pieces, the fractures of another person

who trusts just enough to invite and share the macabre and grotesque.

it’s as if the momentary is invited to be become a permanent fixture,

rearing the ugliness inherent in its structure from beginning to end.

but by some chance or fate, the silence topples the conversation

and it exists as nothing more than a pile of ruins with shards of emotion

or broken concentration fallen from the many lips too tired to speak or cry.

desperation lingers strong in the thick of temporary amounts of time…

answers simply do not appear by way of bearing the soul’s pain.

but the balms of empathy and compassion appear from nowhere

and with their purpose, they drench the weary to feel again.

isn’t that the time honored necessities for hope to take shape once again?

from such darkness, hope is the only light that points a way out…

it is the only choice that makes sense in a senseless battle for the wits end.

hope for all its purpose and intent, is defiant in the face of possible surrender.

it’s very power to believe is reason enough to hold on for a better day.

the enemy seeking vengeance in the mind is released to die.

hope in the darkest of place and in the violation of spirit,

lives in the wide open wonder, questioning how much can one take?

hope becomes the only strength to decide here is where it ends…

here is where life begins with optimism in spite of such odds.

life is lived another day and that in itself is beautiful.

Another installment from "Violations Of Black."

2009-10-26T15:54:00.014-05:00

I wrote this poem at the end of last year. Most of this stuff comes pouring out of me at an alarming rate in order to finish one poem. It's rare now to actually sit and write a few of these, without overthinking and analyzing what it is that's going into it. Yet, I find that when I do write these, they are another way for me to express obviously, the inner parts of myself that for some reason, I cannot relate to in personal conversation with anyone. Most of the images come from a place within me that I might not be all that comforted by, or am most comfortable with. But, I figure part of the creative process for me to truly write as I do, is to color words to a point that lead somewhere, but leave enough room for people to interpret how they need to. Anyway, here is one of the latest poems from "Violations Of Black."

not i and never me

12.02.08

i can’t see the blindness in front of me;

believe the darkness - whole or not?

to not crush the dread or fear;

bound to unreason of what I believe—

treason!

if I faded into the years of time,

how would my convictions

stand for me on their own?

i can’t hear the lies outside of me!

they push their edges of pursuit

into my eardrums and pupils dilated.

i grip and grasp for a sound mind

and a young body to exist from.

the dirt around me begs me

to grab onto the fallen blood drops;

running from my abused heart.

yet, the frantic balance of life

between death begins to suffocate.

i dream of sensation when all

sounds become silent.

my eyes shut out the scenery,

and my hands open wide

to feel air on my fingers.

the inflammation of my serenity

dies without warning—

i can’t see the blindness in front of me;

but I can feel the hatred

tightly consume the shards

of what’s left of my faith.

the ransom called my life

has not paid for what i assume—

chases me through moments

of happiness and confidence.

the ground cries out for my fingers

to grasp it ever so gently—

the blood lies waiting in drops;

waiting for coagulation.

perhaps the death and life

of wounded faith marks a man—

forever!

what is that open handed destiny?

what is that knowledge of choice?

I do know…

answers come from

not i, but who was!

Spiritual Desert: Part Two

2009-09-21T19:24:00.014-05:00

As it's been since February since I wrote the last entry in the saga that is my spiritual desert, things have somewhat progressed as I am finding some renewed energy and direction as to what and where God might be leading me, namely out of the desert and into the life that He wants for me. As I am being led out of the desert, I have experienced that dependency on Him as I never have, and yet all that has done has created more questions and more intuitive sketches as to what it all looks like. Since last February, creativity as come and gone, leveled out, and come back for about a month, and is now circling around my calendar doing touch and goes here and there, but feels inconsistent. The throttle has been pushed forward, and the church's afterburners are turning and burning and we just started for the year. Yet, there are events and ministries I am excited to see take shape and hopefully be blessed to grow and be important for people in their own spiritual deserts or wherever they may be in their lives. I stand on the edge of desert and see this beginning to happen around me.

What's been a huge part of the journey for me into and out of the desert is trying to become more in touch with who I am, and why I am. Over the past couple years, I have changed for the better by releasing anger, letting go, not being consumed by resentment or lack of forgiveness. I have done some gut-wrenching work to be able to stand in the pulpit as one who is working on the very issues of life that I am calling people to examine for themselves. The consistency needs to be honest as to who I say I am. If I say I am a follower of Jesus, am I pursuing that life in examination of who I am, what are my motivations, how do I continue to live as a man of integrity for my family and for my church, how can I live a life of faith and not claim it as my own and all the opportunities that come with it all? See, many people want the Christian name only...it somehow makes them feel good. Yet, who asked the poignant question, "What's in a name?" Claiming to be Christian without accepting the opportunities or the choices for life that come with it, is wanting the free meal, but not honoring the dinner host.

I was sitting in a bible study yesterday, and this very idea came up in conversation: where God invites everyone to the come and celebrate with Him the life lived in the kingdom of God. Matthew 22:11-14 gives us this disturbing and very real picture of a person who comes to the wedding feast (the groom being Jesus, the bride being the church) where the king (God) is throwing a celebration, where all people are invited to present their best out of who they are. Yet, there is one man who comes without a proper wedding robe on. Like today, Jews at the time, would wear ceremonial outer garments (wedding robe) as an outward sign of celebration, love, and respect. It was their version of the tuxedo. This man shows up in ripped-up jeans with holes in the crotch and rear, wearing a Poison t-shirt ready to party. The king asks the man, "Friend, how is it that you are here without wedding clothes?" The man says nothing in response. The king is so offended by this man's lack of care by not even trying in the slightest to come and give his best, than he has him bound and thrown out into the streets. All this man cared about was receiving a free meal. He wasn't there to honor the king nor was he there to celebrate the union of Christ to his church...he was there for himself, and didn't care about anyone else regardless if he was invited or not. Needless to say, I don't want my life to be an examination of indifference to the One who invites me out of the desert and into the celebration that IS my life He gave me.

Standing on the edge of the desert with my back to it, is realizing that I don't need to live there. That desert does not define me. It does not weigh me down. It cannot kill me. It cannot paralyze me, and it cannot stop me from moving ahead. For me, it's coming out of that desert a wiser person and making choices that live aligned with the character and integrity of Christ himself. Maybe this search and struggle and eventual victory out of the desert, is necessary for me to be clear about the Spirit's prompting in my life. Because for me, coming to terms with that prompting has never come easy at a moment's notice. I have had to work at it, discern it, and spend some time seeking out advice from those amazing people around me who I consider truth-tellers; those people who aren't afraid to offer their observations and musings. I have found that when I try and make the journey by myself, that's when I get into trouble and look around and see no one else with me. That's when I begin to make choices that are not consistent with who I say I am. And that's not who God calls me to be. God calls me to live out of that desert experience as one who knows a dependency on Him, seeking His wisdom and counsel for my life, along with the people He knows are going to love me and tell me the truth even when it hurts. Because God knows as I do, my life as well as my salvation is at stake.

Right now, there is new direction, a new sense of drive, a sense of energy in my faith and my life that I haven't had in a while. And I think it's because I know what my life feels like and how it's lived without God or without looking to Him for guidance. I don't want that, and God doesn't want that for me either. God wants my life to be centered in His Son, for me to offer my best into the church so that others may be changed or blessed. Not that I have the be all end all power to change people, but that from the experiences I have, I offer those in a shared commonality of our work in progress to become the people God is changing us to be. Maybe, just maybe, people can see how God works in me, and that might allow them to look into themselves to see God working in them. Then again, maybe we all need is to get ourselves into the desert, for us to come out the other side, changed, renewed, cleansed and resurrected! Once we have been there, we may just become even more tuned into God's presence as He was there in the desert with us the entire time. The question is: Did we notice Him? How many deserts do we have to be in before we take notice of God and begin to look to Him for strength as He accompanies us out of them? How long will we stand there in those deserts before we give up trying to make it out on our own, raise up our hands, and surrender? Those deeply placed imprints of my feet are still in that sand, but I am no longer there. Thank you God!

Spiritual Desert: Part One

2009-02-18T14:52:00.011-06:00

I recently was meeting with a woman whose life is out of control. She is a recovering alcoholic, is the mother of three children, and is currently finalizing a divorce from her husband of 18 years. She is in a very fragile place right now. She is lonely, confused, hurt, and angry that her life has taken this unexpected detour. Let's face it...no one enters into a marriage with the understanding that divorce will be the inevitable outcome. When a marriage ends, both people experience the same kinds of emotions as when a loved one dies. The feeling of loss and grief is the same thing. For this woman I listened to, she feels like she has spent so much time and energy fighting this battle alone and without God around her. It's as if she is in the desert all by herself, trying to survive by her own will power and strength. What she admitted to me the other day was, she has finally come to the conclusion that she cannot do it anymore and she is desperate for God.

Life has to be difficult and without too many options to be desperate enough to seek out a dependence on God. I know too many people who live life on their own terms, pretending to believe that if they just believe in themselves hard enough, they can get through any circumstance in life on their own. In a sense, they have given up on the institutional church because they refuse to believe that there just might be a community of people who loves each other enough to accompany anyone who has need through any choice, challenge, or compromise life throws at them. There are actually people who choose to love each other enough, walking with each other so life does not become a desert place? YES! I know some of my skeptical brothers and sisters are tuned into their own cognitive and philosophical know how to try and reason that the goodness of each other is not exactly dependent on belonging to a community centered around Christ. They would have me believe that there are inherently good people without the need to be Jesus followers to be the pre-requisite in order to help anyone. Being good does not necessarily and automatically make one empathetic, compassionate, forgiving, or loving. There are many good people who choose to believe in the values of humanity rather than be informed and inspired by the values of the kingdom of God. Those values teach that living life is not ego-centric. Ego-centricity is relying on your own intelligence to somehow find fulfillment and value in what you make of life. The focus is on what we do.

Being in a desert place may be the result of choices we made. Perhaps we find ourselves there because we made some poorly thought out choices. We just didn't see the ramifications of our living, and so we find out just how desperate we are when we stand in that desert. Perhaps we find ourselves in the desert because of no choice of our own, but rather choices were made on our behalf and we are now there. I think of people who lose a job - are they in the desert because they want to be there? Only if they were an inefficient employee. But, most people who lose a job may find themselves there, not ready to be there, because that journey was not expected. However we find ourselves in that spiritual desert, we are there. We can stay there, be angry at God for what we think is His mistake and turn our backs on Him only to stay there living in isolation, desperation, and confusion. Or we can meet God face to face in the desert we are standing in.

See, I do not believe being a spiritual desert is a bad thing. I believe we are there for a reason. As I type this, I feel right now in my life, as if I am there. I do not know how I got here, but since Christmas, I have been feeling a bit tapped out, tired, just empty of ideas, and not all that sure about how effective I am as a pastor. That's my own self-assessment talking I know. I would be worried if I never questioned my abilities, confidence, or competence while on the job. There are too many arrogant pastors already out there who never worry, trust me. But, for some reason, I am there. Is my desperation for God any different than the woman I talked to? Not really. We are both looking for strength, nourishment, and hope. Perhaps I will recover some day, find my way out of this place, and drink from the cool waters of confidence, enjoyment, future, and creativity again. BTW, if you want to know what the book is above, check out Soul Survivor by Mike Pilavachi...an amazing read. I am reading it again, and right now, feel like I need to read it and be reminded that somehow, a desert can create a greater dependence on God. That's my hope.

Suicide, Salvation, and the Church!

2009-02-01T21:26:00.020-06:00

Recently, I got an email from a friend of mine who was curious about what a church's response might be in offering a funeral for a suicide. She asked me because a friend of a family that friend knows, whose daughter took her own life, approached a roman catholic church who refused to offer a funeral service for them. The church denied them a chance to celebrate that loved ones life! Now, in my experience, I have had to bury people under the most tragic of circumstances. The second funeral I ever had to perform was for a business man who was severely depressed and ended his life with a twelve gauge. What was tragic about his life is that he had everything a man could ever want or need in this life, yet he chose the ending of it. As tragic or as expected as they may be, funerals are meant to be a time in which families can be comforted in their suffering by and through the hope of Jesus Christ who defeated the last enemy, that being death itself. People need to be surrounded with hope and compassion. People want to be comforted no matter what the circumstances of death may be.

In the case of a suicide, the church ought to respond as it would for any death. Offer a funeral in the name of Jesus Christ, preaching the resurrection of hope and life. When churches refuse or restrict a family in their grief by not offering a funeral for their loved one who died by their own hands, that church is not living as the church. It is not being the church. The church should be a community who gathers together to offer life, comfort, grace, and forgiveness among each other. The church should be the type of community where people can grieve their loss without having the added burden of feeling like that church is unable to welcome them because the church cannot deal with such a taboo subject like suicide. When churches write themselves into a corner by how many restrictions they place between themselves and a grieving family, they are behaving as modern day Pharisees: people who would rather pay more attention to the details of what's right and correct, than what's compassionate and needed. When churches care more about the details of who belongs and who does not in life and in death, the church is nothing but a gate-keeping organization of people who think they know what's better for the sake of others. I'm fairly certain churches who behave this way, do nothing but piss God off! Hey churches, do you not know that as soon as you encircle those who are in and who are out, Jesus Christ will always be on the other side of that circle?

Obviously, the hesitation for churches in not offering a funeral for a suicide, is based on the entire notion of salvation. When salvation is only seen as something we can accomplish through our own means as if we can achieve salvation, we deny God's initiation to save us first. We deny the action of God as if God is somehow removed from the whole promise of salvation to begin with. Yes, I believe we live lives of faith to become more like Jesus Christ. We live to be more like who he is as opposed to not fitting more Jesus into our lives. To live as a follower of Jesus is to live the marks of discipleship in a way that not only changes who we are, but betters the world around us by being the people God designed us to be. We do respond to the love of God yes, but to receive salvation entirely by our own merit, is to base salvation on what is referred to as "works." Martin Luther called it works righteousness (this topic is one of the reasons why protestants and roman catholics differ, and this added to the reason to split from the RC church some 500 years ago...thank God in my opinion). As if based on our merit alone, we can earn salvation. Again, it denies the action of God.

Salvation is offered to all people in this life yes. But is salvation guaranteed after death regardless of how a person lived? None of us should pretend to know that specific answer, since none of us as ever experienced that. Maybe how we answer that question, it's becomes a matter of what our experience of God is during our lifetimes. If we see a God who is judgmental and rigid about order and the details in life, then we will see salvation the same way. We make salvation out to look like us. If we see God as a God of compassion, love, forgiveness and grace which is God's unmerited favor, we then have a chance don't we? Anyone of us can be loved in life and I believe even in death. Isn't that the point of the resurrection? To prove to anyone that life is not found on a cross, but in an empty tomb. An empty tomb proves how much God loves us even after death because death is defeated! We believe in Jesus Christ because of the empty tomb. Had he not rose from the dead, we would not not be talking about Jesus. He would be just another silenced rabbi the Jewish authorities silenced and the Roman state killed under the sentence of political subversion. Yet, because he broke the bonds of death and rose, he opened the way of life for all people, people who believe in their hearts that he is alone the savior of the world. That does not mean that getting it right, is necessary! In fact, most faithful people I know are the opposite. They are the most gritty, colorful, outspoken, brutally honest, questioning people I know. They are full of doubt, and for them, faith is about a journey because as they understand, faith seeks understanding. Faith does not assume it.

I think it's sad when people who should know better look to the rule-book first, denying a person the chance to celebrate the life of their loved one. I think it's sad when hierarchy assumes they know just how salvation works in life and in death. Frankly, to assume that is to play God. And I in no way shape or form am ever comfortable in assuming I know God well enough to BE HIM! I work for Him, but am not Him. He has final say. I do not. I will do what I can on this earth with the time I have to do what I believe he wants me to do. To offer His love to all people, and in the name of His son Jesus Christ, offer forgiveness, preach, teach, offer communion, and promote and live as best as I can, a life of grace for myself, my family, and the people I serve. I am just a man trying to do what I can, and through my gifts God gave me, I try to live so that others may find that being in relationship with God is the best possible way to live. And once I die, my life and death is in God's hands. And I would like to believe that the promise of the resurrection, the eternal life that Jesus opened the way to, is given to me as it is for each person Jesus Christ rose for. Maybe, some might say I am way too universalist about this...that ALL people are saved through Jesus. That kind of belief voids our participation in faith as if it's all for nothing. But faith comes out of a trusting and reliant heart that tries as best as it can be, to be in relationship with this Jesus-shaped God. I don't think faith is worthless. Faith is a beautiful motivation for us to believe, to trust, and to rely on the love of a God who is a constant presence, a friend, and a counselor, and a Father. For that faith I seek, I am thankful. Besides, I would rather be just a tad bit universalist in trusting all people are given salvation, than in trying to pretend I know who rightfully earns it and who does not. And if I'm wrong, well at least I had hope in the resurrection during this life as best as I could muster it. That's given me joy and strength to live my life brand new each day. For that alone, I thank God. More later...

2009-01-22T16:37:00.004-06:00

I kept having this particular dream over and over, in which I am dying. In that moment of my death, I fall. I see white all around me as I continue to fall. I feel nothing. I fly through the uneasy and yet familiar tension between life and death. And ultimately where I end up is a place of safety where my falling comes to an end. This is how I could put that dream into words as a poem. Hope you like it as morbid or as hopeful as you may read it. More later...

code blue-into-white
04.02.08

feeling nothing left to awaken,
cast away by another hidden day.
sensitivity is at its peak,
crashing the senses of sight
and sound inside my falling awareness.
the violence terrorizes my body.
the old paradigms have worn out,
their systemic movements crawl to me…
this whole thought stalls me for a second…
i stand up and see this bed made.
it is white, billowy, and sterile.
the covers are pulled to a side,
as if it is prepared to be occupied.
i step closer to it, put my hand gently
on the comforter, and feel its folds.
i brush my fingers over bumps,
and leave an impression as I push on it.
i lift my hand, close my eyes,
and hear a voice behind me.
i close my eyes, look down,
angrily take off my shirt,
take down the jeans, slip off the socks,
and crawl into this unclaimed bed.
i pull the covers to my neck,
i begin to feel warm, hot even.
i look around to get my bearings.
the space I am in is surgical white.
it is blinding, but I can look at it.
there are no corners to this space.
it is as if white surrounds me,
above, below, beside,
on and underneath me.
i can only make out the bed I am on.
it feels so good.
i sink into the mattress.
my body feels free to sink into it.
i keep falling, until I slip
through the mattress, and see the hole
i have left in it.
i fall slowly,
i scream but I can hear no noise come
out of my mouth.
i try to listen…there is just silence.
i fall away from this space into a replay
of my entire life in what seems a second.
it plays until a moment of black.
that final moment fades into white,
and becomes smaller the more I fall.
i feel my body accelerate now…
i pick up speed rapidly.
i push my arms out like wings.
i push my head back.
i spread my legs apart.
i notice, i begin to not feel my legs,
my arms are there, but I cannot feel them.
i cannot feel the air enter my lungs anymore.
the white around me begins to blur.
my sight disappears, my eyes close,
my mouth shuts, my hands open.
i fall,
i fall,
i fall.
i fall into the space between life and death.
i fall between consciousness and sensation.
i fall from chaos into slow movement.
i am between here and there,
and i can’t stop this.
where is the end?
twisting and turning-
headfirst traveling.
falling
“where is the sunlight?”
“i want to feel it on my face again.”
“where is the sun…”
shadows
shadow light
merging warmth
warm
i am warm again.
i look up to see a black hole on a white background.
i then glance around, and see the blinding white.
i cannot gain focus.
the white around me suspends me from moving.
i can’t feel anything…
my lungs don’t breathe…
my eyes don’t blink…
my hands don’t move…
i am stopped.
i am here.

Do Balloons Attract Buyers?

2009-01-12T09:49:00.004-06:00

The other day, I was coming back from a prolonged blitz-run to Janesville. The weather was awful as is the usual case for Wisconsin this time of year. But, I decided to trust my steed's ability to plow through such nastiness and truck my way home. Actually, truth be told, the roads were fine once I got on them. I arrived in Evansville, a little sleepy town along my route home. As you leave EV, there are two car dealerships along the highway, one on the left and one on the right, Chevy and Ford split by asphalt!

I noticed how these new vehicles were covered in snow, and then thought how sad it was to see such an inventory sitting there. Of course, who in their right mind would buy these ridiculous little sports cars Chevy is trying to pimp out for the average middle-aged unhappy guy who swills martinis and smokes only when drinking? Yet, as I was passing the Ford dealership something caught my eye that I had never noticed before. The entire inventory of vehicles sitting in the Ford lot, were not only snow covered, but attached to the wipers were about three feet of ribbon anchoring colorful balloons. I slowed down and took notice, and then laughed my ass off. The absurdity of seeing these beautifully made F-150s and Mustangs, and other assorted models covered in about four inches of snow and the attached to some balloons just made for a strange picture. I began to question the reasoning for luring potential customers with such a simplistic device as colorized rubber filled with helium anchored to brand spankin new trucks. I wondered if there was actually a potential buyer might be taken in because perhaps he may want to buy a truck, but rode the fence with such a decision. Perhaps it was not until he noticed as I did, his favorite colored balloon attached to the truck he wanted. Are balloons the most qualified attractant for such potential buyers. I mean, really?

What about incentives, a ridiculously low percentage APR, hell even throw in a TV, and then maybe I would look. But balloons? Really? As if people are that prone to being attracted to grace your place of business because, ooooh you have balloons sitting out front. It gives the impression that this car dealership is throwing a party and we are the suckers who are invited. Quite honestly, the American auto industry is in trouble and has been for quite some time. I think it's a strange, stupid, and perhaps a slap in the face for the hard working people who actually made those vehicles. It's as if seeing such a cartoon-ish and dumbed-down sight as I did, is going to make me feel confident enough to actually purchase what I am supposedly being attracted to! My own conscience says, "That's a marketing strategy that works for four year olds." Course, they cannot even afford to buy a headlight! Hey dealership, show me what kind of deal I can get instead of making me feel stupid enough to turn into your lot and look around without giving much thought as to why...do balloons make one forget all reason and sensibility? Apparently, by the massive inventory this dealership holds, the balloons have failed. Thank GOD! More later...

2008-12-31T21:14:00.003-06:00

Goodbye 2008!

Thanks for the being the year that my second son was born and welcomed into this place called life. He is awesome and was definitely worth the wait. Thanks for being the year that we voted in a new president, that brings with him hope and energy for something new and different for this country. Thanks for being a year I am called to a very awesome church, where I get to do what I love to do, and they pay me for it. Thanks for being a year my parents, my sister, and the rest of my family remained healthy and upright. Thanks for being a year of normalcy, where the job, the house, the kids, the wife, the moments, the days, and the time all seemed to be slowed down for me to take in and appreciate. Thanks for being a great year, but it is time for you to move on, to be flipped to the left, revealing the next year. You will be missed. But, you need to go. Years move on, and it's your turn. Thanks for being here. Looking forward to 2009 and what's ahead. More later...

The Result of Yesterday's Election?

2008-11-05T14:16:00.005-06:00

The 44th President of the United States of America
President-Elect Barack Obama

Thank God and Amen

2008-11-03T20:09:00.003-06:00

VOTE TOMORROW - 11/4/08
VOTE FOR CHANGE!

CDs Just Added to My Ipod

2008-11-01T12:10:00.011-05:00

I have eyed this CD for the past year, and finally decided to order the thing. I am sorry I didn't order it sooner. These guys are absolutely brilliant musicians. I definitely think this is a solid prog masterpiece. It is produced well, all the instruments, vocals, stops and starts are crisp, clean, and balanced out well (unlike the strange piece of work Metallica just put out). They take some creative license with borrowing elements from all the prog metal bands I think are the most recognizable, especially Dream Theater. This Swedish quintet is dead on when it comes to playing accessible well done prog, melodic metal without overdoing it. The vocalist's voice is one of the best I have ever heard. His range fits the everchanging swarm of notes from the band, and fits this eerie, dark, moody quality the music portrays. The band is tight in their playing. I like the odd meters they break into, as it adds to the intensity or breathability to the music. There is definitely tension with this music. It feels broody and yet beautiful at once. I like this CD alot. And if I were just getting into progressive metal, this would be my guide. I highly recommend this to anyone.

I recently heard these guys online, and I was completely blown away by this band. If Darkwater is an introduction into prog, Isolate is the thesis for prog. Circus Maximus (funny little name) is not going to be everyone's taste, as this music requires some patience. The heaviness, the abrupt stops and starts, the harder edge to the music will set this release apart from the melodic prog metal out there. Isolate is CM's second release to date, and judging by their following online, this band cannot put out material fast enough to quench prog thirsty fanatics. What I like about this music is it is hard yes, but there are some very beautiful, acoustic moments that brighten up the mood, vibe, and direction of the songs. The drummer is very good, keeping time with odd meters, and in my opinion, has amazing chops when he has to, yet lays back when the music dictates. Very good guitar presence, and the keyboards are not obnoxious or overdone! The vocalist definitely has a tone to his voice, that reminds me of Korn's Jonathan Davis. This is definitely a "need to listen to more than once" kind of release in order to understand the nuance of the music, and the genius in these compositions.

I am still making my way through this one, but what I have heard so far, I like alot. This band makes no bones about it - they are a Christian band. With lyrics that investigate the tension between faith and doubt, love and hate, sight and blindness, this band has lyrics that frankly, any of us can relate to with our own feelings of inadequacy when trying to articulate and live out a faith that has meaning and purpose. Unfortunately, this band is not to be this year or ever again. Shortly after Sieges Even released Paramount, the band began to fall apart, and officially parted ways this fall. But, each member is working in other groups and it could be interesting to follow the new projects these guys may release. I can compare a bit of Sieges's sound to the likes of Skillet, and Seventh Day Slumber. Good stuff so far, or in this case, ever.

The latest from a sweet English prog band, Marillion. These guys are fantastic. I had pre-ordered this release back in January. This assured me to have my name printed with all the others who pre-ordered as well; our names printed in book number two. The limited edition version that I ordered comes in a nice hardcover box, with two separate books. Each book containing amazing artwork representing some conceptual ideas from the double album. Of course, in each book is a CD. The first CD is called, "Essence." While the second is called, "The Hard Shoulder." Each CD is filled with such a spectral bliss of sound and movement. Essence is my favorite. It has the more moodier of music that I have come to love about Marillion. h's voice has not lost anything with either of these two recordings. Of course, the band has also released just a regular jewel case version of both CDs available stateside at any local music emporium (check your local listings NOW). So far, this is definitely my favorite Marillion project - one, because it has my name in what would be considered a very large CD jacket, and two, because the music is by far the better of anything they have released in the past decade, including their much beloved recording "Marbles." Check out Marillion.com to order your own copy of the hardbook version or just download it, but do pay the artist.

Welcome To The World Andrew!

2008-10-25T23:08:00.005-05:00

Welcome to the world my son. I have been waiting a long time for your arrival. Your mother worked hard to get you here. I almost cry each time I hold you, and hear your voice. I am going to enjoy this moment, because I want it to last. I will miss it someday. I want to savor your growing up. I love you so very much. You, your brother, and your mother are my life. Thank you for giving me life. More later...

2008-10-20T22:53:00.002-05:00

Still miss you after a long and strange year without you. Today is the one year anniversary of the most difficult day I have lived so far: helping to bury you, and say goodbye to you. Bram, you are loved and remembered so much for all the life and fun, thought, and passion you helped release out of others. You were a gift to so many people. Thanks my brother for all that you gave to me. I love you, and remember you always. See you when I get there...

It gives me some peace when I think of these words from Dream Theater's song "The Spirit Carries On" I know that somehow you believed in these words:
If I die tomorrow
I'd be alright
Because I believe
That after we're gone
The spirit carries on

2008-10-18T11:19:00.004-05:00

I wrote this poem last April, but hated the way it ended. So, this morning, I re-wrote the ending so it didn't have a kind of complete feeling to it. I like leaving my poems open ended so as to try and put the reader into the conclusion of it. This poem definitely caught me off guard as I tried to add on to a strange vision I had one day after I visited someone in the hospital. I had this idea of being surrounded in white, and how that could paralyze someone if that's all there was. Then again what if that moment of paralysis was somewhere between the moment of death and the moment leading to somewhere else? Hope you enjoy. More later...

code blue-into-white
04.02.08

feeling nothing left to awaken,
cast away by another hidden day.
sensitivity is at its peak,
crashing the senses of sight
and sound inside my falling awareness.
the violence terrorizes my body.
the old paradigms have worn out,
their systemic movements crawl to me…
this whole thought stalls me for a second…
i stand up and see this bed made.
it is white, billowy, and sterile.
the covers are pulled to a side,
as if it is prepared to be occupied.
i step closer to it, put my hand gently
on the comforter, and feel its folds.
i brush my fingers over bumps,
and leave an impression as I push on it.
i lift my hand, close my eyes,
and hear a voice behind me.
i close my eyes, look down,
angrily take off my shirt,
take down the jeans, slip off the socks,
and crawl into this unclaimed bed.
i pull the covers to my neck,
i begin to feel warm, hot even.
i look around to get my bearings.
the space I am in is surgical white.
it is blinding, but I can look at it.
there are no corners to this space.
it is as if white surrounds me,
above, below, beside,
on and underneath me.
i can only make out the bed I am on.
it feels so good.
i sink into the mattress.
my body feels free to sink into it.
i keep falling, until I slip
through the mattress, and see the hole
i have left in it.
i fall slowly,
i scream but I can hear no noise come
out of my mouth.
i try to listen…there is just silence.
i fall away from this space into a replay
of my entire life in what seems a second.
it plays until a moment of black.
that final moment fades into white,
and becomes smaller the more I fall.
i feel my body accelerate now…
i pick up speed rapidly.
i push my arms out like wings.
i push my head back.
i spread my legs apart.
i notice, i begin to not feel my legs,
my arms are there, but I cannot feel them.
i cannot feel the air enter my lungs anymore.
the white around me begins to blur.
my sight disappears, my eyes close,
my mouth shuts, my hands open.
twisting and turning-
headfirst travelling.
i fall
i fall into the space between life and death.
i fall between consciousness and sensation.
i fall from chaos into slow movement.
i am between here and there,
and i can’t stop this.
where is the end?
falling
falling
falling
“where is the sunlight?”
“i want to feel it on my face again.”
“where is the sun…”
shadows
shadow light
merging warmth
warm
i am warm again.
i look up to see a black hole on a white background.
i then glance around, and see the blinding white.
i cannot gain focus.
the white around me suspends me from moving.
i can’t feel anything…
my lungs don’t breathe…
my eyes don’t blink…
my hands don’t move…
i am stopped.
i am here.

2008-10-17T22:59:00.004-05:00

This is the bass player for the band Redemption. When I saw this band open up for Dream Theater in August 07, I was absolutely blown away by them. I was especially focused on this guy, Sean Andrews. His dexterity and mastery of the bass guitar is astounding, especially as he is playing a six string. Watch him play as he demonstrates the bassline from Redemption's song "Bleed Me Dry."

The Marketing Of Jesus = Vomiting

2008-10-16T18:10:00.003-05:00

Lately, I have been reading and thinking about what is wrong with the institutional church. That wonderful montage of buildings, politics, piety, bills, tithes, and not mention the strange group that promote such things known as people. I love what I read once on a T-Shirt, "Lord, Save Me From Some Of Your Followers." Which goes to say that most of the institutional church's issues and the mass hemorrhaging that is taking place as people exit the church, is frankly caused by, drum roll please...people. I doubt very seriously, when we take an honest look around at the modern church, that what we see remotely resembles what Jesus had in mind for his followers. Let me focus on just one aspect of why I think people see the church as a hypocritical place, who therefore want nothing to do with it: the marketing that is done in Jesus name. How many books, blogs, authors, preachers, bookstores, plastic action figures, games, CDs, movies, etc., do we need to buy so that we are inspired to be more like Jesus. I think that Jesus once told a rich man, "Go sell all you have, and once you do that, then come and follow me." Perhaps he had to sell off his Michael W Smith worship CD collection, the Buddy Christ figure, the Armor of God costume set, the hand carved Rosary made of walnut, the Holy Mary glow in the dark socks, the books that explain how to change the world in Jesus name, the fish tie, the bumper sticker that reads, "My Boss Is A Jewish Carpenter," the boxing nun, Jesus soap on a rope, his last supper lunchbox, and the entire series of "Popes Throughout History" baseball card collection in mint condition! All of the marketing that takes places so that we can become better, efficient, worldly aware, more loving, forgiving, and self-less Christians ought to make anyone feel queasy NOW! When Jesus overthrew the money changers tables in the outer court of the Temple, he was making a profound statement. Who controls access to God? Those who make money in God's name by forcing the faithful to buy the proper "items" so that their offerings will be acceptable to God? Or, is access to God to be without obstacles that people want to shove in front of us so that they can make a buck off our own journey?

I don't want to sound as if I am squeaky clean here, and pretend that I have not fallen prey to this. I have by my own choice prostituted these companies that sell music and books mostly. I have sunk hundreds of dollars into them. For what? To prove that I am better than everyone else because I have read this or listened to this? To show everyone that I have my nose stuck high up in the cleaner skies of God avoiding the real people and real issues of what it means to live life by chance and choice? Take for example my friend. He generally does not listen to music other than what is labeled as Christian. He reads books that are labeled Christian. He wears many T-Shirts that sport a Christian message or theme. Now, granted when I was new to the faith, and zealous for it, I bought into the T-Shirt thing. Living Epistles made these T's that had some controversial statements (at the time) that was supposed to make people think. Now, when I see most of those kinds of T's I am sickened. I went to Lifest this past summer (a Christian music festival) where I saw the new breed of faith T's. Every T-Shirt they were hawking, I swear was designed by the GOP Right Wing, conservative Christian base. Every one of them had messages that had that "turn or burn" theme. I was especially turned off by the anti-gay agenda some shirts blatantly uplifted.

If what Jesus said was true, then I am to love my neighbor right? But, when I see shirts that promote an intolerant posturing of ones faith against the "sin" of the world, I doubt very seriously those who wear those shirts have a clue what it's like to have as friends some of the best people in the world, who also happen to be gay/lesbian. I doubt very seriously if those squeaky clean intolerites, could even stomach sitting by one much less share their lives in friendship with a gay man or a lesbian woman. How dare they wear shirts in Jesus name promoting intolerance. How dare they downplay Jesus command to love all people. Course part of that statement that Jesus says is, "Love the Lord with your heart, soul, and mind. AND love your neighbor as you love yourself." I guess if people do not love others, that means they are quite intolerant of themselves too. Perhaps self-loathing is a way for them to hide behind their intolerance of others. Clothing that is labeled as Christian is about as intelligent as fast food that is labeled as nutritious! They both give gas and the runs when consumed! Trust me!

I guess when it all comes down to it, people like the palatable and consumable when it comes to their faith. People like books, media, movies, shirts, music, and art to represent the niceness, the innocence, and the likability of a faith that God wants nothing to do with at all. God wants people's hearts. Not their preference of books because it talks about Him as a judgmental, hypocritical God who suffers from self-esteem issues. The overwhelming picture to this is just as I wrote at the beginning. Man-made religion as an institution contorts, misrepresents, and misguides people. Labeling anything Christian just so it sells to that audience is a contortion of preference, judgment, and common sense. I am convinced when people stop getting into bed with "bad theology" and bad taste as it relates to the design of their faith, that's when the church will become the church. That's when people will wake up and begin to care about the things that God cares about. You might say that I am being harsh here. But, take a look around. How many churches do you see that promote an agenda far from anything Jesus ever desired? How many people around you are dumbed down by this need to get their faith just right, and so they do everything they can to stay away from the world and all of its evils? Now, yes we need to be careful in the world, but not to the point that we become cloistered from it. We are the bringers and apprentices of the gospel. We share it with our lives. We do that openly, but not stupidly! Wearing the shirt, buying the music or books, hanging out with the right people do not prove anything but how intolerant you are of anything having to do with the world, including the beautiful types, colors, shades, and personas of people that inhabit it.

I am tired of people who paint me with the same brush stroke of marketing. Yes, I buy some books, buy the music, and media, but I also have a brain. I think about the messages those items tell me, I weigh it, I pick and choose what I can live with, and the rest of it, I throw out. I am not a mindless drone who must consume and believe that which is labeled Christian. Just because it is labeled as such does not make it any more consumable as if it were labeled satanic, self-help, children's, or non-fiction. Hey people, wake up! Don't just frequent the Family Christian Bookstore because you think it's the best store for you and your family. That's not always where "real" people hang out and learn about the world. Get out from the protection of the store, get into the world, and learn from people not like yourself. Perhaps then, you will really be like Jesus. More later...

Some Kernels Of Truth!

2008-10-09T11:02:00.005-05:00

see Sarah Palin pictures

see Sarah Palin pictures

see Sarah Palin pictures

moar funny pictures

2008-10-08T13:53:00.004-05:00

What do you think would happen if I spent 440k dollars of church money to go to a spa because my work depended on it? Now, that would be over half our years budget yes, but I would be going to a spa for work. How I define "work" is up to me, so I can write it all off, but, I have a feeling the church may have something to say about me misappropriating offerings to get what I want even though this church cannot afford it. Hmmm, the same can be said for AIG execs who thought it was a good idea to take a trip to a spa less than a week after the government bails companies like AIG out! Who thought this was remotely a good idea? What would happen if I did this...my ass would be gone. I say, AIG needs to let a few people go....because their nose as a company is bloodied and messy. Save what dignity you have as a company and pay the money back to the government. It is not Monopoly money to play with. It is my money you are paying with to sip Mai-Tai's and get pedicures with. You are the money gluttons who have peaked the fiscal fear meter, and are piledriving this country into the world wrestling mat of despair. Shame on you AIG. Shame on you! AIG - you have no conscience! Thanks alot. Sure am glad I will never use your company ever! Oh, and everyone else I know...they won't either! More later...

2008-10-07T23:03:00.002-05:00

I am still waiting for just once in a presidential debate for Grampy McSane, to look into the camera, and say, "I'm kind of a big deal." I would give him some cool points for that. But, then I would realize that he along with Dingbat would open the country up to the Apocalypse. Am I right? More later...

Which Kingdom Do I Invite Into My Life?

2008-10-06T19:32:00.003-05:00

What is the kingdom of the world but a place I reside in? This kingdom I live in, does not make a shred of sense! I feed into its logic, and add to its overall design by the choices I make. I use of its resources, offered to me at regretful prices of the dollar, emotional stakes, and horrifying choices. I am threatened by the abuse of its power for the gain of more control and dominance. I find myself tight-fisted by the imbalance of those who have and those who have nothing. The leadership is ineffective to actually be compassionate, and empathetic to the torn and struggling. It senses no one else’s need but their own. The world has become a playground for the bullies who want to control the merry-go-round of wealth and privilege. Yet, the kingdom of the world is millions of people whose very day to day existence is based on the struggle to survive on what they have and do not have. How am I contributing to this struggle for them? Am I making it worse? If I live in this kingdom, and choose to blind myself by the opportunities of self-sufficiency and self-gratification, what damage is truly done to my conscience, to my soul, to my eyes? If I see those who on the periphery are dying and lost and do nothing, I am a thief, a murderer, and a pawn – contracted by the kingdom to consume as a bystander who walks away from obligation and morality. If I am part of the problem as I am being led to contribute to it, I can also be part of the solution to redefine what it means to live in a kingdom: a kingdom ruled by the abuse of power, the lure of money, and the attraction of conflict. Because as far as I am concerned, this kingdom plays on the bartering of fear, hoping that each of us will haggle for a piece of it to keep for ourselves so that we worship it. We bow down to its power over us. We are killed by fear. Who would do this? Who would perpetuate fear among its subjects?

Perhaps I am a part of a larger movement of those who refuse to be misled by fear in the kingdom of the world. What is the opposite of fear, but hope? Hope is what people need. Hope can deliver a person from death to life. That is the movement that needs to reclaim a kingdom of peace. Because living in a kingdom that delivers death, lies, struggle, control, and fear is not the kingdom that provides life. It is not able to prove any worth for anyone. It feeds on its own shame and it gets bigger when someone believes that is a better way to exist. Hope deflates fear. Hope fills people with potential to make a difference for the next person. Hope is what the kingdom of the world cannot deliver based on its own terms. Hope is what the people of the world are capable of if they choose it. People can invite the kingdom of the world to remain the dominant kingdom, or they can choose to invite another kingdom that gives life. If suffering remains, what good are we choosing for the world? Take this kingdom of the world, and do something with it. Hope will flip the kingdom inside out, and open it up to all people who want life, who need life, who see life around them. The potential to live a new life is alive around us when we give to others. When one person sees into the soul of another, they give them a hand…that is hope. If I am to fight the kingdom of the world, there can be no complacency. I must choose to invite a different way of life to exist around me. I must change the scope of how large I see, just how focused I can become, and how generous I am capable of becoming. I must become free from the bondage of the lies, the deceit, and the control of the kingdom that wants to blind me with distractions. I must release those chains from my hands and feet, and walk somewhere else. I walk into a vision where a different kingdom rises. It gives hope, value, purpose, dignity, and freedom. That is the kingdom of heaven. The invitation is sent.

I want to walk to its edge to answer what I can do. I want it to give me sight to see. To see the way of compassion and understanding to the world abused by the kingdom I left. To see thousands alongside me. They too are bruised and battered by the kingdom of the world. I want to look ahead with everyone and be surrounded by the reality of love, forgiveness, and empathy. I want to live in a kingdom that shows me the best possible life I could have. I want to live in a kingdom where it all makes sense.

2008-09-10T22:44:00.003-05:00

I am getting real tired of being labeled as a battleground state. Why you ask? Well, could it be the campaign TV spots that are being run every 2.3 seconds on every channel during the entire day? YES. Oh, and did I mention that most of the commercial spots I see are for Grampy's campaign? Now, he's got Succuby with him on those ads and it makes me ill. I tend to turn the channel when those ads come on, only to stop at a channel where the next commercial they show is for Grampy again....different ad, same crazy old man. What's interesting about where I live by the way, is that most people do not put those crazy campaign signs on their front lawn. Not that I have anything against them, but no one has them out. Are they afraid to show their loyalty? Are they afraid their neighbors will look down on them if they advertise their political loyalty? God, I hope not. Aren't we a country where all voices matter? Oh wait...I guess not. What am I saying?

I don't have a sign out, but then again, I am cheap. I have looked on the Obama website and have thought about financially supporting his campaign through buying some swag and such. I looked at a lawn sign, but with S&H all the way to my home, it's around $15 total. Not that 15 bucks will break the bank, but seriously! Maybe with the 15 bucks I would have spent on a BO lawn sign, I could buy a case of Old Milwaukee beer, drink it all, and paint my own McSane signs for my neighbors. This presupposes they have a sense of humor about being "drunk signed" on their front lawn. Would look mighty nice on some of the million plus homes just west of me, on the other side of the tracks! Signs like "Muck FcCain," "Pukey Palin," or "My donkey can kick your elephant's ass!" I would rather put political foot to ass this way, albeit in a crude unbelievable way, than put out some lame lawn sign that sticks out like a sore thumb. I want to see political signs which break the proverbial thumb altogether, and offers a different finger in its place! More later...

2008-09-05T12:42:00.004-05:00

I continue to ponder her majesty's speech the other night, and how intestinally disturbed I continue to be by it. Actually, I don't lose much sleep, because unlike the Republican party, I have faith in this country and in the people who occupy it to see through the slant, the smoke, to see the wizard behind the curtain actually working the machine of lies and deception for votes. I have faith that people will vote for change because they deserve it, desire it, want it, and need it.

As I watched Grampy McSane last night talk about really nothing but that which plays fear into the American conscience, I got a sense that he really is an empty shell of a leader. I heard nothing last night that remotely makes me feel any shred of confidence in his ability to run a country, much less ours. I intentionally listened for any agenda that he might have to help bring the country back to focus. All I heard was a shallow remark about doing it, and not really how he was going to do it. Just ask my wife what she thought when he touched on education. He wants to put the schools back into the hands of the administrators and parents. My wife mentioned that's code language for keeping the schools aligned with no child left behind and letting that serve as accountability for parents and administrations. My wife is so smart. Again, I heard about his time in Hanoi. I get that. Many men went to Vietnam because they had to, many went because they wanted to. Many did not come home. Many spent time behind bars as a POW. And that was terrible and awful, and no human being should be subjected to that kind of inhumane treatment. I get that. But stop using that as justification for your qualification. Stop running on that, because it somehow makes McSane look like a martyr, and I am not about to believe he could ever achieve that on his own.

I continue in my own life try to be a solid leader in what I do. I am learning the process and trying to be aware of my own growth and improvement. I try to learn as I go, and at times, I have not always gotten it right. So as one who has read about, gone to conferences for, and tries to practice it, I can see an unqualified leader in McSane...he is not right for THIS job. He might be right to be a senator. Obviously, some people like him. But, what I heard, and what I will most like hear again and again, are affirmations as to why he is not right for the job, and why my vote will go to someone else.

Oh, returning back to her majesty...I leave you with a quote from a friend of mine who stole it from a friend of his (thanks Jay). When Palin was jabbing BO the other night about his community organizing skills and such, she failed to realize the following about her position compared to another well know governor. Think about it:

"Jesus was a community organizer. Pontius Pilate was a governor."

And we all know what happened to Jesus after he met with Pontius Pilate. Pilate wiped his hands clean of the people's cries for redemption, and sent Jesus to his death. Might Palin do the same to this country if given the chance? I think she and McSane would crucify the hell out America and leave us for the dogs who wait for us to die a slow and painful death. I guarantee, this GOP ticket will kill this country for a generation or better. Course, we realize that Jesus was resurrected in three days. I wonder how long it would take for this country to resurrect itself after Grampy and Succuby kill it? Not three days. Only God is capable of raising the dead. And if our country dies, maybe even God himself will take a step back so that we learn how to raise this country with each other, and with the world as our network of friends, allies, and hope. Maybe we as a country need to be taught that lesson before we can ever appreciate what a God-given resurrection ever does.

More later...

McSane & the former Succubus

2008-09-04T09:21:00.016-05:00

I am back, and am going to start posting regularly again since I took a hiatus from inviting you into the recesses of my mind...scary I know. So, I want to blog about something that has been burning within me for this week.

If you are like me, you have been watching with baited breath the dichotomy between the Democratic National Convention and the Republican National Convention. It's been very eye opening to see the stark contrast between the two events. In fact, this whole election so far has been polorizingly different extremes. You have one candidate that offers change and hope, and the other, well...he is a fear inducing veteran who continues to remind the American people just how rough he had it in the Hanoi Hilton. Well, you know just because you are a veteran, does not make you the best qualified person for the job. What it proves is an overzealous sense of militarism and patriotism. Makes anyone with an arm reach for a sick bag so they can fill the damn thing.

Now, my first impression of the RNC is all the empty seats in the arena. Look at the DNC....pretty much standing room only at that venue. When cameras scan back to reveal the emptiness of the arena, it's almost as if it relates well to the messages themselves spoken from the floor of that place. AND, does anyone see any striking diversity among the throngs of mostly white people? I don't. Well, ok, I see the occasional token black veteran, but can anyone see the difference between the diversity of people who were at the DNC compared to this circus known as the RNC? I mean, being from North Dakota, I can see the pale skinned resemblances I am used to, dotting the floor of the arena holding their signs up as if they will magically inspire me to come to the dark side. In fact, seeing such moronic advertising reaffirms why I am backing BO and JB.

Let's take Sarah Palin on for a second. It seems that career driven, power brokering, and politically backwoods, Red Man chewing women now have a hero. I am glad that she is a lifetime member of the NRA. That's alright. I am a member too. But, the difference between her and I is that, she actually believes in the political posturing the NRA attempts to provide for gun toting, rootin tootin shootin Americans. Me, I like to go and shoot rounds through paper plates with a 38 Special or a 9mm Glock. Maybe I like the challenge. Oh, and the NRA membership I have? It was a gift given to me. I am not sure I would pay for one to be honest. Anyway, I was appalled and shocked as the majority of Americans to hear that Grampy McSane had chosen Sarah Palin as his VP choice. Strange choice it is. It's like going to Wal-Mart, going to the pet section where all the fish tanks are, looking at the thousands of tiny goldfish swimming around, and telling the nice salesperson, you want that the orange one. Of all the viable candidates he could have chosen, he chooses this strange, unknown, awkward overextended mother of 5.

Now, I could care less if she's a mom or not. Nor could I care less about her NRA membership, or her former affiliation with a group that wanted to secede Alaska from the rest of the states. Nor do I care if she was mayor of a town of 8000. Nor do I care if she won the Governor of AK job by about 17k votes. Heck how many people are actually residents of AK that are close to a voting place? Figures right? Nor do I care that she is a former Roman Catholic (a recovering Catholic I call her or anyone who have left the RC church on account of reason alone) who is now a card carrying Pentecostal with strong roots to the Assembly of God denomination. It is widely known that she tends to know just what God's will really is as she plainly stated at her home church recently, "I think God's will has to be done in unifying people and companies to get that gas line built." Now, I am an ordained pastor and I don't even know God's will, nor do I suggest to know it, nor do I hint at it. I tend to realize that God is God and that's the way He prefers it. Nor do I think it ironic given her "Bible-believing" faith that she is an outright supporter of capital punishment. Hmmm...which looked at through the lens of faith, one has to ask, what does it cost our own sense of life when we are willing to take it as justification. Nor do I think that her stance on sex-education of which she supports abstinence only is any cause to be alarmed since we all know just how well that talk went considering her 17 year old daughter really didn't know what a condom was. Nor do I think it strange that only 3 days after giving birth to her second son this past April, did she feel the need to go back to work...you know, to govern the space that is Alaska. Nor do I care that her husband is a man's man, racing snowmobiles and hunting Reindeer. In fact, I bet he makes a mean deer sausage.

But, I do care about what qualifies her to be the next Vice President of our nation. You know the position I am talking about, that is, if Grampy McSane dies in office, that she takes the hot seat?!?! My God. What the hell was he thinking? What because she was a PTA organizer, the mayor of a small village, mother of five, and an infant governor of Alaska? Those are the qualifications of a VP? Yes, she is not a part of the DC elite...hell, I wouldn't want that type of person either. But, she has no track record to prove her competence of governance or GOVERNMENT to speak of. I want to know that if our president dies or is removed from office, we can be confident in the number two choice. It seems that the Repubs have really screwed this up since both Bushes took office. Why do they pick these out of touch, power driven people who could possibly run the country? What are they thinking?

Well, it seems they do not think for one. The Repubs run on fear...they control it, they broker it, they buy it, they sell it, and they have national conventions with speeches that are driven by it. And what it remarkable to me after watching Palin speak last night, was that she is lock stock and barrel, a part of that fear machine. She buys into it, she promotes it, and she tries to prove how in touch and tough she can be when it needs to be defeated. Oh, I love how she mentioned that BO had not mentioned once the word "victory" other than in relation to his own campaign. Well, let's be honest Mommy Dearest, there needs to be a fight with two clear cut opponents to garnish a victory. There is no war to be victorious about. This has not been about defeating an enemy in the right place. This war has been about defeating an enemy to fulfill some kind of agenda that the Bush machine drafted day one of the administration. In Iraq, there is no enemy to be victorious over. Go where we need to be, and start there. Victory? Victory for what and for whom? We as a nation? Because all I have heard is how many bodies we bring home to be buried all in the name of "freedom." Freedom and victory? Sarah Palin, you ask the mothers and fathers of those who had to bury their sons and daughters if the non-negotiable terms of freedom and victory are worth dying for? I bet, you would get a sobering answer that would wipe the smile off your face causing you to take back any frivolous use of the word victory of which you know nothing about.

This election is going to get interesting real fast. Watch for the spin, watch for the language, and watch for the tactics of the Repubs. They will work Palin as the female savior the Republican Party that will try and win votes to their side. That is the only reason they asked her to be the VP candidate...it somehow lures former Hillary supporters because she is a woman. Actually, she is another empty pantsuit like Hillary, but that's for another blog. More later...

Cut Me Off? You.... Ewww!

2008-08-12T16:54:00.006-05:00

Let me clue you in on a specific type of person I live around who tries way too hard to be something they are most likely not. I was on my way home from the VA Hospital this afternoon, and I was close to the Mega-Campus that is UW, and as I was rounding the corner, a red little sportsy car cut me off. Now, generally I mentally flip people off...might not be good to actually do it, since my license plate is "1BADREV" So, I generally keep the finger down. But, as this car started to stop in front of me, I read the license plate, noted the make and model of the car, looked at the driver, and almost barfed. The car was a 2008 candy apple red Mercedes SLK280....it's a hardtop convertible, comfortably able to seat two skinny rich people. The woman driving it was probably in her mid-fifties, kinda chunky, but with bad hair. This hair was probably bought and paid for numerous times over because I doubt that she even knew what a curling iron is or does. She was wearing the expensive Gucci shades....how did I know this? Because of that ugly symbol on the bows of the sunglasses. But, that's not the worst part. The license plate on this "I need a boy-toy car" read "Prada." What kind of shallow, fake, pretentious person needs to advertise a brand that most of us cannot or choose to not afford in the first place? I mean, who in their right mind needs to tell the whole world about their love for some overpriced, ugly, and I do mean ugly, brand of crusty fashion accoutrements? Obviously, if someone is that dire for need of attention from the brand name she is obsessed about, is it any wonder she is telling the world just how shallow and pretentious her life really is? Middle aged women with bad hair and ugly sunglasses, who drive small sporty cars with arrogant and intentional markings of greed faceted to them, need to realize that all that cannot replace time they have lost, or the time they have left. Find happiness some other way, because it's obvious to the world you are advertising to, this way is not working, and it looks just plain desperate. More later...

2008-07-09T11:27:00.002-05:00

I am now on Facebook. Yippee for me. I was resistent for a long time, simply because I figured I was already on Myspace, and then this monstrosity. So, I wasn't all that interested in maintaining another social thing. BUT, thanks to my wife who is addicted to Facebook, she got me hooked too. SO, now I have found friends that I haven't talked to in years, and that's just crazy. Anyway. Packing for Lifest today. Will be gone through Sunday afternoon. Kind of a lame lineup this year for Lifest...you'd think being it's their tenth anniversary, they'd have some decent acts. We'll see. I am taking three high school girls from our youth group with, so that in itself should be interesting to deal with. Anyway, pray I keep my sanity as it will be on edge. At least I will bring deodorant and a fine tent. More later...

2008-05-23T12:37:00.007-05:00

This past weekend, we confirmed 16 of our crazy youth. The service was one of the best confirmation services I have been a part of. Because I think that for the most part, most of the students genuinely were excited that this was finally happening for them, and they worked hard to get to that point. Anyway, a mother of one of the students emailed me some photos of the service. My sermon title was "Faith or Flash?" in which I talked about hope that comes out of my faith, not because I have to get my faith right or have all the correct answers to it, but that I realize faith is simply trust. I began by asking why Jesus didn't have some sort of an advertising schtick to attract followers so that they could have hope. I asked, "Why didn't Jesus have something like say, a pair of these?" And I put those glasses on. They have a button on the earpiece and when you push it, lights come on, and they flash around the frame of the glasses. You can't really see the lights, but I assure you, they were on. This of course got huge laughs and reaction. After this service, I was asked by all sorts of people where I got those. Well, I borrowed them from my three and half year old, but he got them from Grandpa who happens to be a Shriner...he sent a box full of these little light-up gadgets that can make a normal person have seizures if you turn all of them on and stare at all of them at once! Anyway, this was one of the more fun sermons I have shared with not only the students but for all the weekend services as I got to preach this thing three times. By the 3rd time, I nailed it I think.

This picture shows my colleague and I simply laying hands on the students, asking God to guide them and bless them. This is an amazing part which I am always humbled to do each year for each student. It's hard to explain, but this symbol of blessing with the laying on of hands is a powerful symbol. I was ordained using this same method, but that the Bishop and numerous pastors, my parents, my wife...all laid their hands on me at once, and that was just indescribable. Anyway, I always feel privileged in moments like this to be able to participate in life-moments such as confirmation. All the work leading up to it is the kick in the pants for me, and the stressful stuff. It's as if I along with the students, work to get to this point every year. But, it's all worth it. It is moments like these that remind me why I enjoy and love what I do. More later...

2008-05-22T20:54:00.014-05:00

I know, I know, it's been a month since my last post! Things happen, life gets busy, I get stressed out...the normal happenings of this time of year. Let's just say that I am thankful that confirmation is over. BUT, now that it's over, I have to begin thinking about next year, and I need to plan it all out by the end of June. I am feeling under the gun. So, let me offer some highlights from the past month for those of you keeping score at home:

* I passed my hunter safety education course. Yes, I can now go and hunt stuff. I mostly want to see if I can do it. I think I want to actually try for pheasants. Can you hunt those with a Howitzer? I hope so...

* We bought a shed to keep the snowblower and other outdoor tools of death, sweat, and pain. Yeah so what it sat in my garage for about three weeks after delivery. We finally put the stupid thing together this past weekend. I swear, you needed a degree in physics from MIT to construct it, but then again, I was a helluva Lego builder as a kid. So, it is up and killing the piece of grass I put it on. We went for the all plastic construction with built in floor. Very sweet!

* Went to Ikea a couple weeks back to buy our boy a new "bigboy" bed. Plus, I needed a sidetable and lamp for my office to go with my new office furniture (see April 11th post). Anyway, I swear to you...each time I go to Ikea, I think the greater Chicago area knows I am coming and they show up at the same time I do, just to piss me off. Wall to wall people is not my idea of enjoyment. I went because we needed to as Ikea has some great deal with the above said items. My boy now has this bed he will most likely keep at least until he grows past the 6'3'' range, and then we might have to invest in something else.

* I have been thinking about Bram ALOT lately. I was scanning the radio a few weeks back, and out of the blue, my scanner stopped at this random station, and then and there, The Cure came on. I sang along of course. I was then thinking about Bram the other day I as I was downloading Prince "Lovesexy." He loved that album. We both had that thing memorized...Bram even would imitate all the damn instrument parts....that was funny as hell. I got a DVD from his parents a week or so ago...this is the same DVD that we all watched at the college the day before his funeral. I finally worked myself up to watch it today and pretty much cried through the whole thing. Between the music and the photos of Bram, it is such a great tribute to him. Anyway, I have been thinking how much I miss him, and how much I wish he was still around. I have been somewhat depressed because of all that. I hate feeling this way, because I thought most of my grieving was done. But, I guess not...

* On a lighter note, there have been some great CDs released lately that I have been tossing around in the Ipod:

Dokken - Lightning Strikes Again

The Seventh Power - Dominion & Power

Rush - Snakes and Arrows Live

Joe Satriani - Professor Satchafunkilus and the Musterion of Rock

Well, that's about it for now. Lots going on with me. I feel like my life just needs to slow the hell down. I feel like I am missing some important parts of it. I just wish that I could throw out the stress caused by weddings, confirmation planning, preaching planning, countless meetings, and not being able to spend the time I need to for my family. That's what is getting me lately (yes, this is my pissing match with me). Help. More later...

2008-04-22T07:10:00.004-05:00

This just proves that people will produce and sell anything. If there's one thing that I really want to help crack those pesky unbreakable nuts, it's a wickedly scary figure of Billary with her thighs doing the deed. The thought just repulses me, and frankly turns me off from actually enjoying the various members of the nut family. Can there be anything more wrong than to pop a walnut into your mouth that's been released from its prison shell by way of most evil woman on the planet? I am sickened! I must go now and cleanse my pallet with a brown sugar and cinnamon Pop-Tart. At least I can eat those without imagining Billary's thighs! Eewwww! Now, I need a shower... More later...

I Am On Ebay!

2008-04-21T13:36:00.009-05:00

After years of buying coveted items of rarity and novelty on one of the most ingenious websites ever to be developed, I have finally added an item to SELL on Ebay! Yes, I have actually joined the millions who have made money off of selling assorted junk or treasure to those of us who look for anything and everything of amusement. I have won items ranging from baseball cards to CDs, to an Ipod! I have only had two odd experiences with Ebay sellers. One sent me a poster I had won, but sent in a flimsy tube. Somewhere between his house and mine, the tube was bent in half and my poster arrived damaged. Another was when I won a challenge coin commemorating Minot Air Force Base's 5th Bomb Wing (Yes, I am a geek that way I guess, but at least I admit it), and of course, when I received it, it was the wrong coin. I emailed the guy and he thought I was a jerk for explaining to him about the mix-up. I guess he didn't like being wrong. Anyway, it's always interesting using Ebay and awaiting to see if your items you won will one, actually show up, and two, will they arrive undamaged? Anyway, I just thought I would let you my blog reading friends, actually check out the item if you wish. It's nothing big. But, it's a start. I might sell of other CDs from my collection that I have no use for.

If you would like to check the item out, type in the Ebay item number in the search field on the Ebay homepage, and it takes you right to my item. Here is the info:
Chicago At Carnegie Hall
Ebay Item Number: 220225751704

Yay for me. I have a bidder!!! YES! This is very cool! Perhaps now, I can sell my Milli Vanilli collection without any shame....wait, just kidding. I really don't have one of those. But, I do have a pretty serious Pet Shop Boys collection...it's a long story as to why, but trust me, I could write a sappy love novella with the reasons why I have such a collection. (Sigh!) More later...

Joe Satriani plays "Crystal Planet"

2008-04-14T09:42:00.003-05:00

This is an amazing song by one of the masters. I get goosebumps when I hear the ending as Satch is doing these multiple pull offs. Turn up and enjoy. More later...

2008-04-11T09:57:00.004-05:00

Couple Random Things with Me Right Now:

Tomorrow morning, I am headed to Stoughton to actually take a hunter's safety course, something of which I should have done when I was say 12!!! But, a few years ago, I thought I was old enough to just walk in anywhere and get a license. It was explained to me that I had missed the age cut off by a few years, and actually had to take the course. So, anyway, I am actually fulfilling one of my goals for this year. Receiving this will allow me to hunt whatever. I have wanted to go hunting for a few years now, since my family has some incredible land in northern ND; land that my Dad has hunted and has successfully harvested many a fine deer. I also would like to take up bird hunting too. Now, I just need to amass some fine weaponry for the said hunts.

This week, I wrote a proposal to our church's endowment/memorial board asking that they share a bit of their good fortune so that I can go and buy some office furniture. Keep in mind, that I love having an office. That is definitely something that as a pastor, I appreciate, because I have had those jobs where having an office was impossible, well, say the cubical thing at Choice Hotels was the closest thing I had to an office, but that job was not at all enjoyable, even though it paid bills sort of. Right now, in my church office where the furniture will go, I have a large round table, seven industrial strength work chairs, and a huge blank space near my west wall. Imagine if you will, how a principal's office may look. Now you see it. My office is not all that inviting or comfortable if say someone needed to come in for a chat or counseling. I am embarrassed by having them sit at this monstrosity of a table and sit on these uncomfortable chairs. I want people to be comfortable, so that they can feel at ease. I believe a nice environment helps people calm down and it also helps brings down the defenses. At least that's been my experience. So, I am going out today to look for a couch, a matching chair, and an ottoman. The smaller things like say the end table, coffee table, area rug, and table lamp I will probably get at Ikea (cheap Swedish crap sometimes looks nice!).

Don't tell anyone but this year, I am not going to the Synod Assembly. Why you ask? Well, that first week in May, I am going to be with my friend Trav, sitting along the Missouri River confluence at the border between ND and MT. We will not just be fishing there, but paddlefishing there. I did this a few years ago with him and we had a blast even though we only went for one day. We are going for pretty much a whole week this time. I love the equipment - a 12 foot pole, a reel that is as big as my head, line that is 80 pound test, a five or six ounce sinker, and a hook that looks as if it could catch a small shark. Nasty stuff. But, you basically heave this rig out into the current, wait until the rig hits the river bottom, and then begin to reel in. The goal is to snag a fish since they are bottom feeders, and are not attracted to baits like regular fish. Large fish are common to snag there. I saw a 75 pounder caught, and that guy had an interesting time landing him, as his whole reel pretty much broke off the rod...still not sure how he did it. Anyway, this is of course, just an excuse to celebrate all things primal, setting up a tent that looks as if it came out of the civil war, massive bonfires, cases of Captain Morgan, flasks of Jameson, pounds of red meat waiting to be grilled and consumed, smoke a fine cigar or two, and all while we wear our jeans without belts. It's not camping without having the ability to show the crack even while doing the most menial of tasks!!! AND, this is all done while others have the same instinct at this massive campground we are at. YES! It's crazy, but definitely worth the time off to just go and fish for these weird fish, drink a few, and hang out with really good friends! AH, what a fine time to be a MAN!!! (cue chest beating sounds, followed by a beer being opened, followed by a fine belch!) More later...

Words Behind The Bush

2008-04-07T14:31:00.006-05:00

Yesterday, I had to go to our local food emporium with the unsuspecting, very tough sounding name, "Bill's." I went to Bill's with the intention to buy some stir fry strips of steak, bananas, a bag of Reese's little peanut butter cups, a small loaf of French bread, butter, Fruit Loops, and milk. OK, so I got home, and put the paper grocery sack on the kitchen counter, and realized as my wife asked, "Did you get the laundry...." and she no more than got that far, that I grabbed my keys again, and frustratingly got into my steed again for the momentary, doofus trip to Bill's to buy a giganto tub of Tide (I love the the smell of Tide in the morning!). So, I buy that and some WD-40 (don't ask), obviously going to a different line so as not to freak out the nice check out guy in returning to him, letting him think that I am somewhat of a doofus for forgetting something. I begin to make my way around the parking lot, so I can exit, when I stop to let a car go past me. Now, where I am stopped, I am looking right at the front of Bill's, or at least the nice brick facade that covers the entire right side of it. As I look at that wall, I see something behind the winter bare shrubbery that catches my eye. In big, bold, black spraypaint were the words, "Fuck Racism." I just sat there in my steed unable to move, because well, for one, even though I have to somehow agree that racism is evil and wrong, I was appalled at the fact that there it was, two words that really don't seem to go together at all.

Ironic that as a country, we just commemorated the 40th anniversary of the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. the other day whose ministry and call into life was to advocate for the removal of racism within the fabric of America. MLK did this through non-violence. I am sure that words of hate and intolerance were always thrown at he and those who believed his message, but nonetheless, his approach to end racism was built on the premise of resistant love. Seeing the combination of words that I did Sunday afternoon made me stop and think. Why use such a vulgar word that connotes power, demand, and indifference WITH a word that connotes marginalization, minority, and intolerance? Maybe some would see that the use of both words are one in the same. I tend to think that if you are going to vent your views on racism, why not try to use a more productive, pro-active approach to advertising your sentiment.

Would it not have been more in the vein of non-violent approach of MLK to phrase it like, "End Racism," "End Hate," or "Love Wins?" If I read any of those, I don't think I would be so offended as those phrases would call us to action. But to just say fuck it, does not do anything but offer some sort of defeatist attitude to the whole issue of racism. It's as if they are not interested in actually doing anything about it, but to just be angry about it. Being angry about anything is not fixing anything. Unless that anger is pro-actively seeking to address the issues and do something about them. I was telling someone this morning what I saw, and he casually mentioned that maybe that message to the store of Bill's itself...as if Bill's is a racist organization that does not hire people of color. Perhaps. Considering that every time I go in there, I see all white people - shoppers and employees alike, it make me wonder if that's the case. I don't know. You like to think that most businesses around you are not that narrow-minded and shrewd in their business practices. But, those places do exist unfortunately. To which I ask "can't we all just get along?" Maybe that's not really what people want, at least not those who negatively persist in countering racism with hatred and unassuming intolerance. Ironic don't you think? Racism as a system needs solutions as opposed to more problems. Tagging a grocery store does not add to any solution. More later...

Open Letter To The Two Subway Girls

2008-03-28T21:20:00.010-05:00

Dear Girls,
I know that you are somewhat amused at your so-called job, playing with fat encrusted meats, horribly dry cheese, wilted brown lettuce, out-of-season tomatoes, crappy marinara sauce, multiple types of stupid bread, and funny tasting cookies. I know that you are amused, if not drastically bored on say a Friday night, when the masses decide that eating where you are working may not be all that upscale, so they consider other options at say a sit down restaurant. I know that you are working for measly amounts of pay for the crap you put up with working in the wonderful world of quick and fast sandwiches where I can have it my way and at the same time, eat healthy. I know that on Friday nights, you may have other alternative plans at your girlfriends house, where she and her boyfriend are having sex upstairs while you and your other co-workers are hanging out downstairs drinking Bud Light, toking an MJ, and ranting about how work sucks. I know that you live for that moment when you can finally turn out the lights and lock the door once again at that place that makes every cranny of your bodies smell like a cross between baked bread and a swampy ass! I know that it smells bad.

But, please for the love of God and all that is holy, please do not hang out outside by the drive up window with the side door open with the both of you smoking away as if no one is going to notice you two. Where you work already smells bad enough, but to let cigarette smoke into an already aromatic dumping ground, seems a bit overkill. Yes, while you blondy sit on the ground with your hoody covering your head, and your chunky co-worker has her back to the general public puffing away, people can see you two enjoying your fatties, and they form an opinion. Smoking on the job is alright, but shut the damn door, let the smoke pollute the outside air for once...what a novel concept! Oh yeah, and don't forget to wash those oily nicotine smeared fingers of yours, because frankly, I know where your fingers have been, and the last place I want your fingers to touch, is my sandwich! It's bad enough you work around food all day touching multiple items, possibly cross-contaminating hundreds of edible items that people whorishly consume, and you maybe wash your hands now and then. But, for the love of God and all this is holy, wash your hands, close the door, save the smokes until you can really enjoy them....with an ice cold Schlitz! Hamms works too.

Your ex-customer,

ME

My Summation: EAT FRESH CRAP IN AN ODIFEROUS VOMITORIUM! Why go anywhere else with an invitation like that? Mmmmm...Yummy!?!?!?!

More later...

2008-03-27T11:12:00.004-05:00

So, I have to share with you, the two latest books that I have been reading. The first, is by this British intellectual (well, maybe that's pushing it) by the name of Christopher Hitchens. The book titled, "god is not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything," has been amusing, strange, and erratic. It's definitely a book that is littered with scientific diatribes and heady reasoning as to why "religion" is as a system, can be mindwarping, unreasonable, and almost cultlike. If you know me, you know that I share perhaps a little of that opinion...that religion as a system as it is man-made, is far from anything God or Christ wants to associate with. Religion is a blank term, but it brings so much baggage with it. Faith and religion are two separate things. Many people cannot differentiate between the two, and typically blend the two together. Hitchens tries to somehow illuminate the baggage of religion and how that creeps into the intentions, decisions, and moments of world affairs. I bought the book knowing that I might be offended. But, maybe it's because I went to a liberal arts college, and had to read these strange suedo-controversial books that were meant to provoke infant intellectual conversation about religion or faith. I guess that's why I am open to reading about "the other side." I once read that reading books can only inform your faith if you know what you believe. If you do not know what you believe to begin with, books can only fracture or disassemble it all. I am not so sure that I buy into that theory, but I know books like Hitchen's book, gives me some sense of perspective from someone who sees the same God I am looking at, but with a different purpose. I guess I want to know what that purpose is.

The other book I am reading is by Colonel Jack Broughton titled, "Rupert Red Two: A Fighter Pilot's Life from Thunderbolts to Thunderchiefs." I remember when I was in high school, I had to do some research paper, and I chose to do it on the air war over Vietnam. Broughton's book, titled "Thud Ridge" was the main source for my paper. This new book of Broughton's is basically his autobiography, recalling his flying days from WWII through Vietnam. One of the moments of Broughton's life that I find fascinating is how in 1961, he was chosen to command the 5th Fighter Interceptor Squadron based at Minot Air Force Base. When you grow up in Minot as I did during the late 80's, you got used to seeing the 5th FIS flying around town in their massive F-15s with the ever recognizable yellow and blue flash on their tails. That was until the 5th was moved to the Mass. ANG, and Minot no longer was a fighter base. Broughton definitely describes his Minot experience in a witty way that is dead on...the weather, the landscape, and the absolute flat-ness of ND. Anyway, I bought this as an enjoyable read as I love anything to do with military aviation. This book is probably not going to be one you will rush out and get, but then again, this book is a great easy read about the coming of age of the Air Force's jet age. More later...

2008-03-22T10:30:00.003-05:00

Who'da thunk it? I am a genius? I don't know...I pretty much guessed on about half this test, and those were not educated guesses either. I mean, I know I am not a genius, but I I do have some good intelligence to me. Give it a shot...course you may need therapy because as I found out, this test will transport you back to the time when you had to take an SAT or ACT, trying to grip that pencil with your sweaty hands, biting your nails...time running out! DAMN! UGH! Must relax now...must call my shrink! More later...

2008-03-14T13:06:00.004-05:00

Alright, I need to take a break from the opiniated rhetoric or passion of how I feel about this year's political field. I am a bit disappointed right now about a few things (Ferraro of course, and Hillary's kitchen sink tactics), but I just don't have the energy to write about such stupidity. So, for now, I will give you all some excellent news. News that has me beaming of course.

I can finally come clean about this:

WE ARE EXPECTING BABY #2!!!!

Due date is around October 22nd. Very excited about this. I went to my wife's first ultrasound last Monday, and got to see the heartbeat. That is just awesome right there. I just stood there in awe of the power and miracle of life. I mean, I have no idea how that happens...well, I do, you know, but how all that takes place from the micro meeting of the DNA to the eventual child who honestly believes he is a Transformer! How does that happen? I am placing bets right now that our next will be a girl. Course, I thought that with our last child and I was wrong. So, what do I know? I do know that my wife is a bit nervous going through this again, but I know she is going to do awesome as she did before...maybe this time around, I will not talk about football with the intern doctor as my wife is in labor. Was I wrong to do that? More later...

Fat, Fatty, Fat-Fat

2008-03-08T21:47:00.008-06:00

I generally do not call my fellow clergy fellas "excrement," although I have used a far more colorful pallet of language to describe some of the more recent spawn that I have worked with, but I choose to let you place the name with the idea. But, I have to call this idiot pictured, the original "pile of crap." I have known about John Hagee since I was in seminary. His name would come up often having to do with discussions about how certain clergy use the Bible to provoke fear mongering among the misinformed, or biblically illiterate. Tactics such as scaring people into changing their lives by yelling messages that are blatantly layered as "turn or burn" while spouting off bible bombs about the book of Revelation can move the weak minded, or at least the politically right anyway to become followers of a gospel of hate, bigotry, and intolerance. Hagee would come up in my personal discussions about how sick it made my classmates and I to see how we were becoming a part of a population whose very life it is to preach and teach the good news of Jesus Christ. We realized that what they were doing, was not preaching the good news at all. Their news is not of God.

When excrement like Hagee, Hagard, the late Fallwell, Hinn, and yes even that freaky Osteen dork come along and preach a scary, prosperous, or psychological message, it makes the rest of us who want to the do the good work, who actually care about the people that these idiots run out of THEIR church, it makes our jobs even that more difficult. Why? Because people need to know that they can trust their pastor. If these idiots prove that they cannot be trusted with their words, their actions, their personal version of meaningless theology, than that paints the rest of us with the same brush and that pisses God off. I am fairly sure that God is quite pissed off at these freaks, and wants nothing to do with their money, their self-imposed fame, and their horrible rhetoric!

But, here is where I am really fired up. As many of you may know, Hagee has publicly come out and given his endorsement for John McCain. To which I raise my index finger, twirl it in a circle and mundanely say "woohoo." What is appalling about all this is that McCain has not come out to deny this endorsement at all. He has not vehemently said to any of his so called fellow Republican bed-wetters, "Uh, yeah, I really don't want to be associated with that guy at all. If we want to somehow reach a peaceful solution in Israel if I become president, I really do not want that guy's endorsement to lie dormant in my closet." But, why would this middle of the road presumptive Republican nominee be "OK" with the endorsement? Think about who is missing in his base of support. All of the ultra-conservative, anti-gay, anti-prochoice, anti-Palestinian, freakezoids who really do believe that God created the world in six twenty-four hour periods, like to point to the biblical "proof texts" to prove their case against homosexuality, arrogantly and shamelessly home school their spawn, really are for the war cuz, "if they weren't over there fighting off the enemy there, that enemy would be here," enjoy bad neckties, and think to themselves, that to eat anything beyond meat and potatoes is just not American! Oh, and most of these people tend to replace the stars in our flag with crosses...as if we are somehow the promised land of God...and that we should somehow lead the way for the world to learn from and succeed from. 100% Bullshit!

I am an advocate for keeping religion (which is a term that makes me cringe by the way...because it is all insufficiently man-made) and state separate. I do not want my government crowding me in the pulpit, telling me what to say, how I should vote, what to think. Christ came into the world to free people from systemic evils such political dictatorship...think about his world...who ruled? The Caesars. They were ruthless in their pursuit to rid the world of free-thought, free-speech, and free hope. This is why Jesus was killed. Voices like Jesus voice are barely heard when idiots like McCain, Hagee, and whoever else distorts the line between religion and state, urging people from their bully pulpits to tell people who to vote for, how to think about their candidates, who is doomed if a vote does not go to so-and-so, etc. Using the pulpit to subvert the political process in the name of God, is wrong, is against the law, and is abusive of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The gospel is meant to free people, to liberate the sinner, to calm fears, and to yes, hold the human heart accountable for its choices. But, the human heart is always welcome to return to the grace filled love of God upon realizing wrong choices or behavior that separates the heart from God. There is a difference...let no one fool you with their slanted opinions, punchy warnings, or fear mongering words. If it's not good news, it's not of God, and it is of hell.

For example, Hagee has and will, always use the pulpit to give his opinion using the bible to back it all up. He uses the bible to teach people intolerance. He has called the Roman Catholic church a "whore." He believes that all the Jews in the world need to come to Jesus before the end of the world, or they will burn forever in the pit of hell. WHY WOULD McCAIN BE ALRIGHT WITH THIS PILE OF CRAP's WORDS? Can anyone within reason, explain to me why this alright with him? McCain seems like a somewhat smart man. Why is the religious right's collective vote that frickin' important...to put yourself in bed with these false leaders of Christ? I guess they forgot about that part in the bible where it says, that those of us who teach and preach in the name of Christ will be judged more harshly than the people of God, because we know better than to lead people astray. But, I guess Hagee, Hinn, and even Osteen have forgotten this small itty bitty part in the bible regarding church leadership. I guess the religious right needs to feed off their power of manipulation...I mean after-all, look who they voted into office for president. Well, they voted him in...they were the only ones...hell, nobody else who had a brain dared prostitute their vote to that guy. Bush holds office illegally though...the last legal office Bush was democratically voted into and held was governor (thanks George Carlin for this one), and frankly that's what I am calling him...governor Bush.

I can't believe I am saying this because I am not supporting McCain in any way or advocating for him, nor am I endorsing him, but let's hope that McCain can wisen up between now and the general election. To not be so eager to accept endorsements from those who claim to speak the gospel of Jesus Christ, but to simply thank them, politely refuse it, and walk away. Because if there is anything that politicians need to realize, that unlike the gospel story of Christ, there is no forgiveness in politics. Only God through Christ can forgive them...even if they shake hands with the fat bastards who prove they consume more chicken wings than in consuming the beautiful life giving words of God. I just hope they eat the hot ones...may their asses burn for a week! More later...

Song Of The Day: Daft Punk "Around The World"

2008-03-07T19:00:00.004-06:00

I frickin' love this song! I cannot for the life of me, get this song out of my head at all. This really is "the song that never ends!" I dare you to remain still as you listen to this...trust me, you cannot. I assure you, you will feel the beat in your butt. It will move on its own! More later...

2008-03-05T22:22:00.009-06:00

Vacation Rundown:
For those of you keeping track of me, well, my vacation went well. Dad and I went ice fishing for the weekend two weeks ago. We caught four nice Northerns...and although my Dad caught the biggest fish (10 1/2 pounder), I had the most action losing four fish at the bottom of the three and half foot thick ice hole. Yes, that sucked, but hey, that's fishing. Saw Bram's grave when I was home. I knew it was his as the tell tale sign of many foot tracks led to it and stopped at it, plus I knew that there was a wreath there. Snow still covers the cemetery, so I was surprised to see that most of the area of Bram's plot was uncovered. I imagine that somehow, Bram appreciates the sun shining down on him without the hindrance of the snow to block the view. Anyway, I talked to him a bit, cried a bit, and then had to go. Saw Phil and Trav, went out for drinks with them, and was witness to some poor idiot celebrating his 21st, with his friends taping the whole thing. I had never seen a guy bellying up to the bar, with an industrial garbage can next to him just in case. And wouldn't you know...he just about filled it with the vomitous mass he consumed. Very nasty. Good trip...and definitely a record time coming home. I left Minot at 8:30 AM, and rolled into Oregon, WI at 8:30PM on the dot. That includes the 20 minute stop in Fargo for gas and food, 2 rest area stops, and 20 minutes in Hudson for fuel and coffee. Definitely a quicker trip without the family tagging along!

My Rant About Today's Teenager:
What Is Up With This Generation?
Alright, let me change the tone of this post to something that I have come to realize about the contemporary teenager today. There is no respect for church at all...Ok, well, not all of them act this way, but many of them unfortunately prove this. I teach 33 confirmation students varying in age from 11 to 14; 7th and 8th graders. I used to think that I would like to teach junior highers confirmation. But, maybe the older I get and the younger they get, I have come to realize that I have no patience for their lack of respect and attention to actually learning about their faith within the church. Now, granted, I am not the most fun or engaging teacher when it comes to the so called curriculum, but when students act as if they are uninterested and disengaged from actually trying to grasp their faith, I then have to wonder whose problem that may be. I have come to learn that most parents want the best for their kids, but many of them treat the church as their spiritual babysitting service, as they assume that we will entirely and unequivocally ram this faith down their bodies and come out changed people. Parents who drop off their kids to church, and who themselves never take a seat in the sanctuary for worship, should not be surprised or offended when I design the requirements to teach about accountability. I have received moronic emails from parents (ok, like two) who do not like me for one, and who want to justify their kids lack of participation as either family issues or sports issues for two. And frankly, their kids behavior in church reflects a lack of care or nurture by the parents in turn to prove to their kids that yes, their faith is important, it gives them hope, and here is why. But, most parents I have come to know, do not feel in the slightest, at all comfortable or willing to even broach the subject of faith. And so, because it's all they know, and it's what they experienced, the parents bring their kids to confirmation assuming we will teach them as long as they can somehow make their way through the requirements however they want to, without showing up for class time, and maybe doing a sermon note or two.

I almost stopped worship tonight. As worship was beginning, I noticed that a group of kids went to sit in the back corner of the sanctuary. I told Paul that I think we may have some trouble with that group, to which he was aware of, but didn't do anything then. So, I get up to preach, read the scriptures, and preach my sermon. Throughout my sermon, I could here them from the pulpit, talking and joking, and carrying on, disrupting other people's worship experience. This continued throughout the remainder of worship, including the time during intercessory prayer. I could hear them from the front, and believe me, it's a good distance. I was incensed. As we are singing the last song, I noticed Paul was not moving. I asked him about that, and he mentioned that he was going to talk to this group. I left him, and greeted the people goodnight. I then asked him about a few minutes later, and he told me exactly what I was thinking...disrespecting worship is not right...their actions were unacceptable, and Paul told them that.

Next week, I am sending out progress reports to parents about where kids are at for confirmation requirements. I am also going to mention this incident, and ask that parents be aware that certain actions or behavior reflects on the kids yes, but also the parents. When you act like a three year old, I am going to call you on it because you know better. Although, knowing some parents as I do, and how they raise their kids, perhaps these kids have not grown up in the church, and are just now being exposed to it because Mom and Dad all of a sudden think it's the social and moral thing to do. Trust me, I have parents who think this!!! I do believe that this all comes back to how parents show their faith to be real, alive, active, and committed. If kids see this, they are more willing to experience it for themselves and be respectful about being in community as they learn accountability for service, participation, and presence. I am convinced that if we teach another generation of church consumers, the church will not grow. As parents become more and more fragmented by time demands, their affiliation with any organization will become sporadic and detached. Time is now the most valuable commodity families have the least of. Why? Everyone is busy. No one takes time out to just be together, even say time to come to church for worship. Worship becomes another thing to stick into the schedule when time allows. This is sad, but this is where many families are at. No wonder why my confirmation students do not value or respect their time in church. They have not been taught that church has value and meaning for their lives. It simply becomes just another thing to get past, and move on from.

Anyone care to place a bet as to how many eighth grade confirmation students will come back to church after they confirmed in May? Any takers? Out of 18 confirmation students, I am fairly sure I may have two or three who will make church a regular part of their lives post-confirmation. I am sad, and concerned for this generation who will one day become adults. Will they as adults pass the story of faith onto the next generation or will they become a generation of disappointment, unable to commit themselves to the spiritual transformation churches are in desperate need of? I am afraid that this generation will be unable to articulate a vision for mission and evangelism in the world if they are not exposed to it in any way by means of worship, biblical literacy, and giving of time, money, and gifts. I am worried that this generation will be unable to take Christ into the world because they won't know what to do with him. God, it's difficult to teach these teens that they matter to the church, when they don't want to believe it, or worse yet, when they don't know how to believe in themselves. More later...

2008-02-20T23:15:00.004-06:00

I am officially and finally going on a vacation as of tomorrow morning. Now, yes...my vacation is to Minot, but anytime I can go home and spend time with my Dad fishing is always more enjoyable than any day at work. So, I will make that trek north, stop at Cabelas, buy seeds and coffee at Petro, gas up numerous times, and make it home. I cannot wait. This by the way, is making up for the vacation I was supposed to take last September. But, the morning I was scheduled to leave for vacation to Minot, I ended up spending five days with the fine folks at St. Mary's Hospital. So, needless to say, that was a bust. Ever since then, I have seen my colleague go on vacation four times and my wife twice. 'Tis about damn time I get mine, wouldn't ya say?!!! I will update when I get back at to what happens as we fish on the ice. I also want to say Hi to Bram when I am home. Now that I think about it...I never ever thought that I would think that Minot is a vacation destination at all. But, when I am there so rarely, it seems that way I guess, as my family is there. It makes it seem fun I guess. Hey pray for me on my journey. Thank God for Sabbath...YES!!! Simonson's Gas, Budget Tapes, and Dakota Square Mall....here I come...WhoooHoooo! More later...

2008-02-18T16:29:00.007-06:00

Let me give a rundown of some random happenings and thoughts for the past week. Yes, I know, the point of the blog is to write those things down in real time, but either 1, I have not found the adequate time to actually sit on my butt and do that or 2, I just felt lazy, and therefore bypassed the need to actually write down said happenings. Can I take a break from blog world? Maybe... Anyway here goes:

I have officially given up on "snow" being a blessing, and am now convinced that it is nothing but a curse! Did the state of Wisconsin do something wrong to endure such accumulation that just happens to break the current record? Did we forget to pay someone off? This past weekend, we once again were pelted with a storm. This was rain beginning late Saturday night, and continued all through the morning. In the middle of all this, the temperature was dropping, causing the rain to actually freeze on contact. Between the icy slush and rain, and then the sheets of ice that were already formed underneath all this, travel was terrible. My colleague called me Sunday morning, and after some chat, I mentioned to him that I was alright with having church even though 3 of us would be there. So I drove the 2.3 miles to get there, slipped all of the driveway to get into the parking lot, and then called my colleague again. I mentioned to him just how bad the road were, and when I actually was driving around the lot while talking to him to get a better idea of conditions, I could not stop on a minor little hill we have coming down the main entrance, and almost drove through the security fence for the day care center next door! Thank God I have lots of weight to push into the breaks. We along with about every other church, minus the Roman Catholics around oh Southern Wisconsin, all decided to cancel Sunday worship services for the sake of the nice old ladies who would feel guilty if they missed church, thus actually getting in their cars and attempting to drive in said awful conditions. I think that is stupid for churches to remain open when traveling to church is a matter of life and death. The Catholics on the other hand see it as a sin not to have worship, as that is one of their sacraments. So, they are obligated to not only hold worship, but attend regardless of weather. I am sure that when I meet God, God may just subtract "life-points" from getting the good seat in heaven, because I was responsible to canceling worship to worship HIM, but then again he may give me a few stick on stars to award me for not arrogantly holding worship and leaving the door open for more guilt if people miss worship and it's not their faults. Gee, you can't tell where I come down on all this can you?

I love being a pastor, because sometimes there are perks that come with the job. For example, one of my parishioners is married to a Shriner. The Zor Shrine circus was in town this past weekend, and I was planning on buying a few tickets to take my family to it. But, she gave me three tickets just because she couldn't use them and they were free for her, so she gave them to me. It just so happens that my in-laws were coming this weekend too. My father-in-law is a Shriner too, so any chance to support the cause, he jumps at it. So, we all packed into the car Saturday morning and went to the 10AM show. Now, we left early enough, but traffic waiting to get into the Alliant Energy Center was severely backed up. I could not believe this many people were actually going to the early show. We get there, and they park us in the farthest parking lot from the arena. We then have to navigate our way to the arena without falling and busting our butts. We make it, get some extra tickets, and we then go and try to find seats. That in itself was a nightmare. We ended up sitting one row from the top of the arena. Actually, it was a great circus! I have always liked the big cats. Of course, when at the circus, spending money on "plastic crap" is a must. So, we bought my son this plastic light up sword (kind of like a "light sabre") which of course every kid in the place had to have. The toys they sell now are very cool. I remember going as a kid and the toys amounted to nothing but like blow up animals, weird sippy cups, flashy visors, and sunglasses with lights on them. Now, the kids have fake laser guns that have spinny lights and sound. MAN, I just about bought one for myself, but I think not for 15 bucks! Plus, my son and I would have fought over the rights to actually own it. Oh well, it was a good trip and fun was had by all.

So, because of weather, we have had to cancel both Ash Wednesday and this past weekend. Now, as I mentioned, I am becoming annoyed. But there is another reason I am annoyed. I was scheduled to preach for both of those services. Now, I realize that this is no way means that I need attention or that I need to be heard. That's not me, and frankly pastors who have that attitude are stupid and needy. But, I am talking about the fact that on average, it takes me a good twenty hours to prep and write a sermon. That's reading, researching, maybe jotting ideas down, and then drafting. I am somewhat obsessed to craft a good sermon; a sermon that people can be inspired by, and maybe given a word of hope. I realize God works through me, and I thank Him for that. Because sometimes when I write, I simply lose track of time, and before I know it, I have a number of pages written without really even thinking about them. Sometimes that's a good thing, other times it makes no sense, and I cut all of it. So, with these past few cancellations, I have crafted sermons I guess for my own spirit. That's alright. I just wish that I didn't feel like that time was wasted doing all that work when I could have worked on other areas of ministry that I feel I am way behind in. Anyway, maybe I am writing a pity party here, but I take writing and researching sermons seriously, and when they are written and then go nowhere but the file drawer, then I guess I feel like people are somehow cheated, or that I did not do what I was supposed to do...preach the good news. I have this thing called guilt when I cannot give people what I worked so hard to give them. I wish I didn't feel that way. Maybe that's the shepherd in me.

I will vote tomorrow in our primary. I figure the majority of the vote will go for Obama. He came to Madison last week, and filled our omega dome, that holds 17k people. He filled that place with 20k plus. He along with the other candidates have been traversing the state, stopping here and there, trying to convince people that they are the right one. Here's what I know so far. If you like the country the way it is right now, you will vote for McCain. He will not appeal to younger voters, women, Latinos, or Blacks, so who does that leave? Older boomers who trust no one under 50. He will appeal to vets and middle of the road conservatives. He is the only viable choice for the Republican party as Huckleberry just does not have the backing. On the other side, we have two Democrats who are dramatically different. Billary carries too much baggage. Just because she is a woman, does not automatically make her appeal to, uh, women. In fact, most women I know think the baggage she carries can and will turn off the American people into voting for another Clinton meritocracy. That said, Clinton's worst supporter is her husband. He cannot shut his mouth, and let her take the direction she needs. He at times, forces the spotlight to shine on him, and that makes it seem like her campaign is in trouble. Billy should stay home, eat cheeseburgers and watch the campaign like the rest of us. Obama is our man. He has the energy, the policies, the charisma, and the positivity to actually make some much deserved change in DC. I am convinced that his positivity will carry him all the way to the White House. It did the same for John F. Kennedy, and it can do that again for a young, likeable, intelligent, and different candidate than we have ever had. This country has the opportunity to vote for a positive direction, to allow us to save face within the global community, and maybe even regain some respect. I think Obama can do it. I know he can. And I am not the only one who feels that way. So, anyone know who I am voting for tomorrow? Just watch the results come in tomorrow night to see if I am right about all this. I bet ya this state will predominantly vote Obama for the Democratic ticket, and arrogantly vote for McCain just because the other guy sucks! More later...

2008-02-10T19:06:00.000-06:00

I could not resist this. It would seem as if we actually vote for Billary, this is the image we must burn into the recesses of our minds, and be prepared for the next four years of getting a "two for one" deal for the hottest seat in modern day politics. Course if the country votes for Billary, every remotely conservative radio jock will have ample material for the content of their shows. Why? Because every one of them cannot stand her/him. All she/he would have to do is open her/his mouth and say two words, and it would be fodder for a week. Neo-cons, righties, fundys, in-betweeners, and mod cons, you may not like our two choices, but boy it would be like a rash you cannot quite scratch if the country voted for the next political dynasty possible (Bush the first, Clinton the first, Bush the second, and a possible Clinton for the second time). Although labeling anything a dynasty is a mistake and expecting anything to happen really well within the confines of the label, is shooting oneself in the foot...painful yet amusing to watch. Just ask Kiss fans how successful their album titled Dynasty really was, and most would claim that was the nail in the coffin for them as their fanbase cried "Get behind me Satan!" Will we as Dems cry the same thing if Billary proves to be the frontrunner? We shall see... More later...

2008-01-31T23:32:00.000-06:00

I just had a thought: I am convinced that the band Marillion continues to make some of the most beautiful, emotional, thought evoking music out there. I have been listening to all sorts of these bootlegs that I acquire through their Front Row Club, and man are they good. There is so much depth, and just damn good playing from these guys. Because these past few months have been strangely emotional, I find this music just fits my up and down moods quite well as it has today. Well, Marillion and a good scotch (or multiple times over) will pretty much fix it all I would say. I highly recommend starting out with either "Afraid Of Sunlight," or "Brave." Both are incredible releases. More later...

2008-01-30T12:55:00.001-06:00

Alright, so thanks to my friend Eric, I got to thinking about the title of my upcoming book (that I have yet to research and write, but that's all coming). The working title right now:

Junkfood Piety: Bad Tasting Theologies We Can All Do Without!

Whatchya think? Eric has now earned his place of fame in the preface of the book. Thanks man! As of today, I am writing the Introduction. So far, it makes sense to me, and along the way, I have had a few good chuckles at my own expense! Perhaps one day this will all see the light of day. Who knows. I do know that I have had some other ideas come in for other chapters...definitely a good one about church membership! Well, I must write more... More later...

2008-01-28T22:16:00.000-06:00

Lately, I have had something under my skin that has been slowly boiling to a point. During the course of my ministry, I run into these awkward, defeatist, calculated, oppressive, and damning theologies that make me absolutely sick to my stomach knowing that there are honest to God people who actually believe in this stuff, and they are either not motivated or they are motivated to live by these theologies. All this has made me realize this past week, that I am going to write a book. I need to write this book, because bad theologies are corrupting the souls of people, and it's about time someone stood up against this crap and told people the truth about God. This book is going to be about the cause and effects of bad theology. I bet everyone reading this right now has at one or time or another bumped into this kind of snarky, rigidity maybe in their families, maybe themselves, God forbid their church. All of us have this experience with at least one type of bad theology that frankly, really has nothing to do with God but rather has more to do with us. as people.

Bad theology for the most part, is just that...uh, bad. It has no zero tolerance for doubt, or grace. It definitely does not encompass a wide view of God, but that God is somehow reduced to this purveyor of judgment and punishment and that the best of the best only get through. Which by the way, assumes heaven is "somewhere else." Heaven is not somewhere else. Heaven is a continuation of life. Heaven is really what we make of this earth here and now. Jesus did not pray, "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth AS IN heaven" because it sounded good. He meant it. We can bring heaven here in how we live for others...we can learn the ways of kingdom living here and now as opposed to passively waiting for them to pop into our spiritual bodies after we are dead.

Let me give you an example of bad theology: When I was home last October to help bury my friend, I heard this bad theology come out in a few ways, but the the predominant message was clear. Why did God take him? One such response made me ill... "Because God needed another angel." Whenever I hear this grim reaper theology about God, I tend to want to correct the uninformed that God is not dressed in black, holding a sickle, and looking to "take" souls away from anyone. God is not a taker of life. God is not in the life taking business. Biblically, God has been there and done that early on. After the flood, God made a covenant with humanity that as it is precious to God, God will not take life away ever again. This means that life is given to us as a gift. God gives life, even after we die. We are embraced with life after we leave this side of death. I agree with the ancient Judaic understanding of everlasting life - that "heaven" is a continuation of life; that we change as we are embraced by it in the presence of God himself. Death is not something that God viciously places bets on for any of us. We do have free will you know. Free will says that I can choose to live a certain way, make certain decisions, be a certain kind of person because I am created uniquely to do that. Now, in that creative design, I can become an over eater, I can choose to smoke until I get cancer, I can choose to shoot up with meth, I can choose depression over treatment, I can drink my problems away, I can choose behaviors that will cut my life short if not kill me quickly. I can choose to live a certain way or I can choose other ways, better ways, healthier ways.

My point is, that even though we may want to look around for someone to blame especially God, when someone we love dies, let's not forget that sometimes that person who has died made decisions which may have caused death to be induced unnaturally. I cannot begin to tell you how many funerals I have presided over where the person I am burying has made those terrible health choices and the family of that person then, turns around and blames God for "taking" their loved one away. Yes, cancer, debilitating diseases and other mysteries of the body are terrible and awful and cures for them are not known yet. I have all the confidence in the world that it's only a matter of time when cures for what kills us naturally, chemically, and physiologically will be discovered. But until then, let's not blame God for death. God has nothing to do with it. If anything when someone who is so riddled with cancer is suffering, it really is a blessing for them to die. I have been at the bedside of a guy whose body was so full of tumors that his pain was unbearable and he wanted to go. And he did, and those around him as he died were relieved.

Don't we think that God embraces us when we die? I mean, I am convinced that this God who I worship is a God of love, patience, and understanding. He is also responsible for giving life to everyone of us, even when we die. That's the central message of the resurrection of Christ from the tomb. The tomb is still empty for a reason. That reason is that death is defeated. Death no longer has a grip on any one of us. For those who think that God is this Grim Reaper figure, they continue to close the tomb on Christ, and assume that God cannot overcome it for any of us. They assume that God needs to break us down, destroy our hope, and somehow punish us in our unpredictability of being human. It's that same theory that places God holding a gigantic magnifying glass, aimed directly at us, trying to somehow burn us from existence. God is responsible for the creation, redemption, and sanctification of all of us - all three of which give us life representing the Trinity. Why would God need to prove He is someone else when He has proven throughout time that He is love and life?

Anyway, that will be chapter one! I am convinced that I need to write this book, and the word "junkfood" will be in the actual title of the book somehow. If anything else, I will write this book for me, as a reference to give to people I come across who use this bad theology as a sort of crutch to lean on, because that's most likely the only theology they have ever known. Not that I will have it all down packed, but at least I need to give it a shot, offer some opinions, and write it as a suggestion book for church leaders to stop dishing out the bad stuff, and start a perspective change please! Any other suggestions for bad theology? I would be interested to hear from y'all. Thanks. More later...

2008-01-20T22:15:00.000-06:00

CRAP!!!! My Packers LOST! I am now in mourning... Football season is officially over for me. I got nothing left. Well, I pray that the Patriots kick the shit out of the Giants, but as you can tell, I hold no grudges or ill will towards any team that genuinely sucks! Course, we are still better than those Vik-queens! More later...

2008-01-18T21:17:00.000-06:00

Tonight, I was cruising the I-Tunes store. For the past few days, ever since I flipped through the radio while coming home, I have had this particular song in my head. Now, anyone who knows me would certainly question why I even strayed from my metal and classic rock stations on the beloved dial, but as I was coming home the other day, I needed something different. I was scanning, when all of a sudden I stopped on this pop station. They were running through songs from that late '90's. And what did I hear? I heard NSync singing "Tearin' Up My Heart." Now, I was about to hit the scan button again, but I just listened. BIG MISTAKE. Since last Sunday, I have had this damn song running through my head. I even woke up yesterday with it's chorus buzzing through my head. GOD! WTF? Anyway, long story short, I can honestly say now that I have heard this song echoing in my brain a million times, it's not a bad song. Actually, to be honest, this is the ONLY NSync song that I like. Any boy band or group from that period, I tend to think is basically cookie cutter crap meant to sell millions of dollars worth of slickly produced, junior-high only dance songs! Hey, I can remember hearing New Kids On The Block back in the day, and as a vampire shutters from garlic and holy water, so did I from them or anyone who was remotely a "fan." It was nothing but Megadeth, Testament, Anthrax, Slayer and any other band I could obsess over. I remember going through a big Dokken phase too. Anyway, so I now own ONE NSync song for my Ipod. Surrounding that song by artists? Nine Inch Nails and Nuclear Assault! Que "One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other."

Other songs I downloaded tonight? I have always wanted the entrance theme when the Chicago Bulls had Jordan and were winning title after title...they would come out every home game to this song. I found out tonight, it's called "Sirius" by the Alan Parsons Project. Who knew? This song was even played at Karen's and my wedding dance as we came in. Strange entrance song for a newlywed couple, but then again, we are not normal, so it fit I guess. So, I downloaded the studio and live versions of that song. Very cool keyboard stuff going on...verging on progressive! In the checkout, I have MC Hammer's greatest hits, but have yet to purchase it. Frankly, it would save money to buy the whole album, instead of the seven songs I want. I found a metal version of the Pet Shop Boys song "It's A Sin" by some obscure European metal band. It's not bad, but this guy does not come close to Neil Tennant's voice at all! And, lately I have had these TV Theme songs rolling around in my head too. Namely, "Lost In Space," "Magnum PI," and "The Loveboat." I have also had my bouts with the "Chips" theme song too. What are some other good TV Show Theme Songs? Well, I remember a time when my cousins and I were literally groupies of a little show called Duke Of Hazzard. The theme song was cool, but Daisy Duke...well, what boy didn't have a thing for her? Actually it was the car...I wanted that car! But then, I found out the flag on top was not such a good thing...I was crushed! Other notable theme songs: Greatest American Hero, Knight Rider, A-Team, Airwolf, Miami Vice, St. Elsewhere, and Doogie Howser M.D. I actually have a bootlegged jazzy live version of the Magnum PI theme song played by the actual guy who wrote it. It is damn good! Now, the irony would be to listen to that song while driving a Ferrari, wearing a bad flower print shirt, and sporting some big Ray Bans and a cheesy mustache! I could do all that. Just need the car! More later...

P.S. With all that downloading and chatter about TV Theme songs, what am I currently listening to? One of the best albums to come out of the 80's metal catalog featuring Dave Meniketti and crew, including the very talented Jimmy Degrasso on drums:

Y&T - "Contagious"

2008-01-05T15:07:00.000-06:00

Lately, I have been struggling with my hair; both on my head and on my chin!!! I got up the week before Christmas on some random day, and decided then and there, that I would no longer shave my head. You have to understand, I have been shaving my head now for the last nine years. That's a lot of shaving cream, blades, cuts, and a lot of hair gone. I guess I wanted to make a change in my appearance, and see if I could actually remember how to groom my hair. God I cannot remember even which way I parted it. So, I let it grow out for about two weeks convinced that I would let it grow out to be long, like metal hair long! Along with my goat, I had a fairly decent looking facial, head relationship going on. Then, I noticed in the mirror last week, that my goat was getting a bit long, so I decided to trim it. Well, I trimmed a bit too much. I had this really short goat, and this Chia Pet looking head...not a good combo. So, I went downstairs in a fury, and shaved my infant head of hair, not realizing that because of such a blast of lengthy growth, my razor was having a difficult time cutting through all that Pet like mass. But, I did it. So, I had a shaved head again, I had this shortly trimmed goat, and my face was very exposed.

You have to understand how difficult this is for a guy who is used to have a long goat, not too mention, that I have been blessed or cursed with the exact profile and oddly shaped neck as my Mother. So, since I am a bigger guy, I have this HUGE neck now, which makes me seem bigger than I really am. I despise the way I look now. I have decided to let the beard come back in, to try and cover that all up, and maybe it will even blend in with the said goat. To this day, I am convinced that I should stay away from trimmers of all kinds. I always cut off too much, and it never looks right. Shitballs! Anyway, I know you ladies cannot relate to my tale of woe, since most of you do not have this facial hair problem or the OCD tendency to shave off all your hair! Well, my friend Nan has recently written about this one hair that keeps resurrecting itself from the folical underworld, and it seems to be pissing her off well. But, that is ONE hair. I wish I had the capacity to grow a long beard fast, but thanks to all the freaky beardless men who have given me my DNA, I now have to wait a long damn time to see another healthy growth around my chin. Even though someone I love claims that I have what appears to be pubic hair growing from my chin, I will grow another beard with pride, with love, and with mucho machismo. It feels like I am 16 all over again waiting for that tell-tale sign that I actually do have testosterone flowing through my somewhat manly body! Why couldn't I have been Greek? Greek boys start growing facial hair when they are like 6...full beard by 10! Damn! More later...

2008-01-02T22:53:00.000-06:00

On New Year's Eve, my wife and I hosted a major shindig at our shack. We had around 24 or so with kids, so it made our family room seem like a college party....very stuffy, lots of noise, and dang good drinks served by none other that moi. I had two jobs that night - DJ and Bartender. I went to go stockpile our liquor supply for the evening after deciding on the two official cocktails of the evening. I decided to make two types of martinis. One is called Hot Apple Pie martini, and the other is called Caramel Apple Martini. I found the recipes on a site that the almighty Today show recommended. Check it out yourself at http://www.4cocktails.com/. Very cool site. Anyway, I went to go get liquor...lots of it. I knew that if I was going to feed these drinks to my guests that night, I had to try the recipes out. So, I made the hot apple pie. Not bad...way too cinnamony for my taste though. I would not want to drink three in one sitting. The caramel apple martini was very tasty. I had two of those at say 4:30. That was enough to get me drowsy!

Guests started to arrive around 6 and we were off and running. We had tons of appetizers, great music as chosen by me (mostly 80's stuff), and me behind the bar. I not only made the caramel apple martini (which turned out to be a big hit), but I made one of my favorites for a buddy of mine called "The Old Blue Eyes;" a martini made in the spirit of Frank Sinatra himself. You mix dry vermouth in a shaker of ice, strain out the vermouth leaving its residue on the ice cubes, pour in the gin (or vodka to be proper), shake and strain into a martini glass, set in two garlic stuffed olives, and present to drinker. Now, that's a fine drink there. So, needless to say, it was a great time. We had the kids downstairs watching movies via a computer projector up on a white bed sheet....it covered half our basement wall! The basement was a disaster at the end of the night as it was occupied by six very rambunctious kids...all different ages and with varied skills of respecting someone else's stuff...pisses me off.

Anyway... A good time was had by our guests. Oh, too many little BBQ soaked smokies do not sit well with a few martinis at all. I do not recommend that combo at all. On a lighter note, we were entertained by a game called "Would You Rather?" For example, would you rather pick a booger from someone's nostril or smell their weeklong, unwashed toes? Something like that. We watched the ball drop (well, most did...I was on the computer queing up Def Leppard!) and then most went home. We had overnight guests as my bud E and his wife stayed the next morning to watch the Badgers play the Outback Bowl...which sucked! So, next year if you want to come for the party, let me know, I will talk to my bouncer and have him put you on the VIP list. Cuz, not everyone gets in...sheesh. Well, unless they bring a bottle with them. More later...

It's 2008 and I feel fine!

2008-01-01T19:52:00.000-06:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I cannot believe that another year has come and gone. Frankly, this year has been definitely one of the strangest years ever. I had some major life events happen during the course of these past 365 days that were good, bad, and somewhere in between those extremes. In the spirit of my friend Kari, I present you my list of happenings this past year in no particular order:

* Going to Mars Hill church in Grand Rapids, MI to hear Rob Bell in person for the "Isn't She Beautiful?" conference for church folks. Very cool experience...I can never hear the theme to Shaft the same way ever!

* Staying a few days and nights at the Eagle Harbor Inn in Door County (the "thumb" of WI). They allow kids, elegant beautiful rooms, homemade breakfasts each morning, and very peaceful. Will go again after Easter this year! Wanna come with?

* My sister-in-law getting married to her Basketballing man. Twas a great wedding had by all, very festive. I even got to show off my new suit that I bought just for that moment. I now wear the jacket just to freak everyone out at church, since I cannot stand "dress up."

* Interviewing to be St. John's next associate pastor. Few weeks later, being told that they had a record turn out to vote me in. Am I loved?

* Putting our house on the market, within a week having four offers. We then found a house we liked that same week in Oregon, put an offer down and let the bartering begin. We bought that house despite the fact that we had flood damage happen a week before we bought it...this family room would remain unoccupied for two months until all the contractors had done their work, so we could actually use that room. It is now my favorite room in the house!

* Obviously, moving from Janesville to Oregon. We finally said goodbye to that rednecky, closed-minded place. I of course, said goodbye to it in my usual way of offering closure to those people and places I have come to wear as a scar (not all contributed to this though!). Care to guess how I said goodbye?

* Acquiring a backstage package that entitled me to see Dream Theater front row center, chair one, left side; backstage pass to meet the band, sign crap I brought, two pictures taken with them, meeting my favorite drummer ever; not to mention a damn fine night of two hours worth of music that was loud and even better live! If you come to my house, you will see my shrine. I have plans to encapsulate my signed 18" drum head in the finest of industrial strength lucite plastic, cherry oak framed, illuminated by the finest of Italian blown lightbulbs! My wedding day, the birth of my son, and meeting/seeing Dream Theater on the beautiful August night! (Sigh!)

* Along that same line, I got to see Rush supporting their Snakes and Arrows tour a month later with a buddy of mine at the Marcus Amphitheater in Milwaukee. Amazing show! Neil was perfect, Geddy was amazing, and Alex was Alex! Three hour plus show that definitely gave me my money's worth. Highlight was hearing YYZ and Subdivisions! Course the moment we found our seats, we began to notice a funky aroma around us that did not smell like your average popcorn or beer. Mary Jane was also in attendance!

* That same night after arriving home from said concert, I woke up three hours later with excruciating pain in my lower abdomen. I was scheduled to drive home to Minot that morning to begin a week's worth of vacation to go fishing with Dad, but instead I ended up at St. Mary's hospital in Madison for a five day stint. The verdict? An inflamed ilium (piping between the small and large intestine). Nothing like having an enema, a colonoscopy, a Cat scan, a nurse that missed my vein but left the IV in anyway, liquid diet of bad broth, and gallons of morphine to let me know just how much I was cared for.

* Bram died. I miss him...

* Performing a wedding at the bedside of a dying man and his fiance. He would die less than twelve hours later, but not without knowing that he married the woman of his dreams in the eyes of God. That was one of the coolest moments I have ever had in ministry!

* Going to Willow Creek twice for conferences. These are so good for me. I come back ready to take on the visioning and processing that will continue to take our church forward. Amazing stuff with great speakers. Gave me the idea for putting our sermons we do for a series into binders with the artwork on the front and back, and then selling those within the church. This has been a very successful ministry that I was inspired to start. Plans may include putting our sermons online with maybe an Itunes thing...dollar and download. We'll see...

* Becoming addicted to the greatest TV show out there right now: CSI Miami

* Doing what I love in a good place with great people.

* Knowing that my wife and son are what made this past year comforting, beautiful, and worth the work, time, enjoyment, challenge, and stress included in all of the above. They made this year a good time between the weird, the bad, the good, and the boring. That's why I love them.

Anyway, I hope you had just as strange or interesting year as I did. I hope it was good, weird, blessed, or somewhere between all that. I hope it made you into a stronger person or more defined, perhaps it made you more aware of who you are. I hope this new year is just as good for me and you. Let's have fun. Alright, let's see those heavy metal devil horns up at this time! \m/ \m/ More later...

2007-12-30T20:57:00.000-06:00

I have been moved these last few months, by the death of a few people I was close to. With what I do and how much I am around death, it comes as no surprise that it makes me think of my own mortality, and how much I have or have not lived. It always forces me to ask questions of my existence in regards to what kind of person have I been so far, have I loved as much as I could, how have I been as a husband or dad, am I walking the walk with my faith, how much of me is protected and guarded yet, etc. I have all these questions rolling around in my head simply because death is final...there is no way to make any of those questions resolve once you are gone. It makes me wonder how those who are close to me may deal with life without me. Not that I am planning on going anywhere soon, but I wonder what life would be like without me.

That is not an arrogant question as if life depends on my own existence to make it legitimate or fulfilling, rather I am around people all the time who deal with life now that their loved one is gone. And what I see and experience with them is varied from massive grief, to relief, to lonliness to anger. Their lives are now filled with that void that needs to be filled in somwhow with time. Perhaps the more full a person lived, leaves all the bigger hole that needs to be filled. When one squeezes so much into the time span they live, there is only so much that can be replaced once they are gone. Life was enjoyable, meaningful, and movable with those we loved and were close to. Imagine what that life looks like now for those who are left. I thought about all this as I wrote my latest poem. It seems morbid or even as a final notation of my thoughts before life ends, but I wanted to ask these questions or place these thoughts in such a way that life can not be the same for me without them nor will it be the same without me. I guess I do not want those who are left without me, to have to answer those questions on their own without knowing that I posed those questions with the intent of answering them now, before there is no possible way of resolution. More later...

end the question
12.30.07

what would you do without me?
would you miss everything about me?
could you be happy without me?
who would replace the space of me?
could you take long walks without me?
would you eat alone without thinking of me?
could you sleep at night without me
listening to the rhythm of your breath?
wouldn’t you miss the touch of my hand
gently caressing your cheek?
could you wake up each morning knowing
that you wouldn’t hear my voice anymore?
would you be willing to laugh at
what made me funny and odd?
how many moments of boredom or apathy
would run through your mind without me?
would you remember the conversations
of anger and resentment,
frustrating the commitment we strongly made?
would you remember the moment
we felt one another the first time?
when would you look at old pictures
of you and i, or maybe me, or all of us?
would you grieve the moments unmade, unlived?
would you listen to music in the same way?
would you cry in the shower so as not to let
anyone know you have been crying?
how many places will you see knowing
that i was there without you or with you?
how many words will you repeat knowing
that those were the same words i used with you?
how much more love could i have squeezed out of me
to let you know that i cannot take you for granted?
how much more love would i have felt for you
had i not thought about myself?
how much more of a decent man could i have been
for you when you needed me to shut up and listen?
when would i have known that all it took
was to try harder in my commitment to you
and to the life, love, and faith that we shared?
would you regret anything about me?
would you be ashamed of anything that i said or did?
would you be able to forgive me?
what kind of parent would you be without me?
would my child remember my face, my voice, my faith?
would he grow up knowing that i lived to love him,
that he helped me be a better man and a better person?
would you call my parents and talk to them?
how often would you visit me?
would you stand in the sunlight
and try to feel my presence there?
when would you open your eyes from that moment?
would you be able to feel the ground beneath you?
if you drove away from there, would you
remember me even more than yesterday?
would you remember my eyes?
would you remember my face?
would you remember my heart?
now can you think of what you would do without me
while i am here, breathing and alive…waiting?
“Can you see me, feel me, become me?”

2007-12-28T12:05:00.000-06:00

Here is my top ten list of CDs released this year, well at least I think they are pretty good. Thus the list of my opinion. These releases cover a few varied genres...mostly metal or progressive metal. I think these are the top ten as they are all CDs that I constantly listened to throughout the year...constant rotation in my playlist on the Ipod! Perhaps you will agree with me or not, but if you choose to disagree, please add your own choice...well, within reason of course! I mean, please do not try and pollute this list with some terrible country CD. That would be sacrilegious of course! Here goes:

10) Demon Hunter - Storm The Gates Of Hell

9 W.A.S.P. - Dominator

8) Poverty's No Crime - Save My Soul

7) Serenity - Words Untold & Dreams Unlived

6) Saga - 10,000 Days

5) Marillion - Somewhere Else

4) Porcupine Tree - Fear Of A Blank Planet

3) Neal Morse - Sola Scriptura

2) Threshold - Dead Reckoning

1) Dream Theater - Systematic Chaos

That Boy Could Sing! Part One...

2007-12-27T19:25:00.000-06:00

I was cleaning my trusty steed tonight, and tucked into a crevice were these CDs. I forgot I had them. They are Campfires '92 and More Campfires '94 from Camp Metigoshe. I remember I had the tapes, but a friend of mine put them on CD for me. As I type this, I am listening to them right now. The summer of '93 when I was a counselor there along with Bram and quite a few others, we did this musical that our director wrote. During that summer, we went into a recording studio in Minot, and recorded these songs we were all singing that summer. You know, the classics! But, then we recorded these songs from the musical we were doing every week. There was a song called "Blessed to be a Blessing." I remember when we first learned it, Bram would take the high harmonies, and would just soar above everyone else. Well, I just heard that song for the first time in a long time, and wouldn't you know it, there's Bram's voice signing that high harmony! It's beautiful to actually hear his voice singing away like that.

Bram was so gifted when it came to singing. Our senior year in high school, we formed this acapella group - Me, Bram, Chris, and Frank. We actually did quite well. Although when I tried to name the group "Northern Lights," Bram was very vocal about his disdain for the name. I can't say it was a great name, but it was a name. We tried to sing songs by Glad, Accapella, Take 6 (that was unsuccessful, but we tried), and then whatever else Chris wanted us to try. I remember we sang for our church, we sang in Bismarck at some high school for a competition, and then I remember we sang at our own high school talent show. It was very cool, but then to sing with some talented guys made it seem easy.

Bram definitely had that gift of being able to hear that harmony without needing some kind of help. He could always find that middle pitch well, and then he would sing it flawless. When he and I would write music, he would always find that harmony from me, and because we both had voices that sounded alike, we would blend really well together. I miss that energy he had when it came to writing lyrics and then sitting down to actually chord things out. We wrote maybe six or seven songs together, and they were alright. One in particular, I can sing most of...our worship band a few years ago, warmed up with those chords from that song Bram and I wrote. I think it was called, "Love," and it was very, very influenced by a band called Lightning Seeds, which Bram and I were obsessed with. We played "Love" twice in public. Once at Kim Cook's sweet 16 party, and the other was at our high school talent show. I wish I had a recording of that song. I still remember singing that song for that talent show, and when we heard the applause, I looked down and saw Amber Peterson wiping the tears away. That was the power of Bram's voice...able to make the girls swoon. Well, at least, a few girls that I remember.

Anyway, I miss those days. They were all so unexpected...nothing happened out of routine or because we were bored (Que the Pet Shop Boys singing "Being Boring" here). We had fun, mostly got along, and had lots of memories made then. I remember being with our girlfriends at the time, at his house, pretending to watch movies. Course, we did not watch movies much with them. I just remember hoping and praying to God that Bram's Mom would not come down stairs and ruin the moment, er, uh, movie night! I remember sleeping on Bram's bed and he would literally take every damn cover on that bed, wrap himself into a cocoon of blankets, and leave me out in the cold. I eventually began to search out my own bedding at his house. I remember playing Nintendo with him...he was very competitive when it came to any game, especially Mario Bros. Those were good times. We both had moments of teenage jealousy or moments of frustration (mostly it was me who got frustrated about Bram, since he would always insist on just being himself...it would rarely, but at times, piss me off...because I wanted to be that way. He just did it better, and he would get away with it well. I then would slink off and not call him for a day or two. God I was so uptight then!). It was Bram who taught me how to sing, how to be sensitive, how to have somewhat of a care for what I wore, and he taught me how to smell good. He just gave me some kind of self-confidence, and reassurance that I am unique and individual. Giving me all that helped me get through some weird, bad times in high school. Hell, it all helped me get through high school.

Yeah, I am feeling nostalgic right now. I guess we all do at times. I just remember being around him were some of the best times of my life. It was then too, that we both vowed that if we were not married by the time we were thirty, we were going to move to Minneapolis, turn gay (how that's done by choice is beyond me, but we were willing to learn), own two cats, live in a big studio apartment, and eat rice and chicken three times a week. He was going to be an artist and I was going to write books. I remember that plan. What the hell were we thinking? I remember that he and I were convinced that we would not find anyone who would want to remotely put up with either of us, so we figured we would for each other. That was our way of looking at the possibilities of marital bliss... What did we know... 30 seemed like an eternity away. Now I wish I was 17 all over again now that I have reached 30 plus 3. More later...

My admission, My rant, My "mea culpa," My life...

2007-12-26T11:30:00.001-06:00

I am officially recovering from the Christmas insanity that occurred at church. Unlike last year, where the Sunday of Christmas eve, we also had two worship services in the morning, this year was a bit better. I got to preach this year at the 3 and 5, which was very cool. I did a first-person sermon through the eyes of a sheep, sitting on the outskirts of Bethlehem Christmas night. It actually worked really well. I was a bit spent though, after 3, and so the 5 sermon was still there, but not as catchy or maybe as humorous as the 3 was. But, it was still fun to do. Then, at the 10, my colleague and I offered a few reflections on why God is with us. That was very cool. That service just has a different tone. Very quiet, reflective, very soft. Yet, we were quite honest about living this life as God is with us, and that message is not always meant to be soft and fluffy. It was real, and honest.

Between the 5 and 10, I went home, scarfed down some lasagna and salad, with the cheesy bread, talked to our good friend Deb who was there, having come to the 3 worship. We opened gifts, and then I crashed. It was hard to get back up, put the church clothes back on, and do it all over. I just was about empty. You know, I was having this conversation with my colleague. His daughter asked him the other day, "Aren't you excited for Christmas?" To which he said, "Yeah, I guess." To which she said, "Why aren't you really excited?" "Well, it's difficult for me as a pastor to be excited about Christmas. See, it's our job as pastors to help others have an enjoyable, worshipful Christmas, and that can take a lot of you. It's difficult to enjoy it when you lead worship multiple times. It can be tiring." He said this to me, and it made sense. I am tired every year I go through this. Not like a "drowsy, hey I had one too many cocktails last night" kind of tired. But this is more like a "I am finally done with all of my college finals...time to crash" kind of tired! So, I spent most of yesterday just being a zombie. I am finally feeling alright today. I just cannot believe that Christmas as we know it, is over. Christmas just came very fast this year for some reason. I guess this fall has not been slow at all. Considering all the major life events this fall that have surrounded me, I can see why I have not been all that attentive to calendar nor have I wanted to. I found myself during worship this year, just sort of numb to the fact that I was there, leading worship along with my colleague, and I wasn't really feeling it. I have felt like I was giving God praise leading worship on other Christmas eves, but this year, I just did completely feel it. Does that make me a terrible pastor?

You know, it's different with this life...this job, this calling. Very few of us appreciate what it's really like, and those who are on the outside of what a pastor's life is really like, has no clue as to how it can really affect a person, their family, and their spirit. I am not saying that I can't stand what I do or that I am pitying myself. In fact, I love what I do. But, I wish that the entire church could stand in the pulpit, look out at four hundred faces, and be able to give a Christmas message from the heart, even though inside, that need to worship as well, is not being met. I feel the same way when Easter gets here too. I just want to worship, but it's not always fully possible when you are called to lead others into it with your heart, your attention, and your time. I asked a pastor friend of mine the other day, "Do you think people really appreciate what we're doing?" And he said, "Yeah most people do I think. But, there are always going to be those who will take us for granted. We give them what they expect, and that's what they want." I think of my friend who is a Roman Catholic priest who has such a good humor about his calling, and yet he is very realistic about how the church is in competition for people's time.

Anyway, this Christmas has been strange among all the others I have been privileged to lead worship for. Maybe this year has been strange. I just know that part of this gig as being pastor, is that I get to do things, see things, be a part of people's lives like nobody else. I see the darkness and the brightness of the human heart constantly. I get to be with people in the most horrible gut wrenching moments of loss, and I get to be with people in the most joyful, outpouring of tears moments of celebration. Then, I get to live in between those moments. Alot of good ministry is done in those moments. It's those moments of one on one prayers with a 95 year old, doing a rap with the third grade girls at the Christmas play, or giving communion to someone who has hours to live...those are the moments that nobody else experiences as I do. That's the richness of living this life acknowledging the spiritual and the temporal right in the front of me, in front of others. That's the beauty of living in the interlocking of God's kingdom with this one we call here and now. I get to be a part of how the kingdom looks like here. I get to help people bring the kingdom of God here so that it looks more like who God is and not who we are. I guess I forgot about all that this Christmas. Maybe for me, I know that the best parts of me and what I give to worship come not just on that one night, but the rest of the year. I worship with those people, in those moments, that I don't need a pulpit to lead from, or four hundred other faces to see. I worship God mostly...just Him and me. That's the most rewarding because it's honest. I cannot fake it when it's God and me, alone. God sees my heart. He knows what I am offering. Maybe that's why I am tired this Christmas. Because I offered all I had. How do I get that energy back to recharge my Spirit? I have the first two seasons of CSI: Miami to keep me occupied! Is there anyone cooler than David Caruso? More later...

2007-12-18T14:06:00.000-06:00

We had our staff Christmas lunchoen today, thanks to my colleague who graciously took us out to one of our local Italian places. I love Madison, partly because of all the restaurant choices and variety. I mean, if I want Thai, I can have it. If I want some good ribs, I can have them. If I want to go to some place Italian, other than Olive Garden, I can go there. You get my point. Well, we went to Benvenutos, which is this local place, very good. Prices are way cheaper than OG, and I think the food is way better! This afternoon, I had the garlic shrimp fettucini. Now, I realized I should have thought about it before I ordered, but anything with the word "garlic" in it, should clue me in as to what I might be in for. So, I begin to chow down. Now, I like garlic in my food, but when the garlic is cut into some serious size chunks, I know that I will be chomping my Orbit "spearmint" gum to help people come near me closer than ten feet! It was very good, but then again, if I ever have a sudden craving for cooked, elephant garlic cloves, boy do I know where to go! You know, I am just so thankful to go to lunch like that with such a great church staff. They make this job enjoyable and fun. I am fortunate to work with some very great people. They are the ones who make me become better at what I do, and I am really grateful for their hard work. So, we all ate in celebration of making it through this year together as a team. But, they are all keeping their distance from me. I wonder why? More later...

Why I Am Lutheran!!!

2007-12-17T23:08:00.000-06:00

Why I am Lutheran? These are the most widely known reasons...

I am Lutheran because my faith is dependent upon me getting something out of church each and every time I come once a week, knowing that my ears will hear a message of grace and forgiveness so that I can somehow feel better about myself for another week. Oh, and I keep hearing about this Jesus and how I should make him the Lord of my life, but I am content to live life just knowing he died for me.

I am Lutheran because I do not really want to hear the fine tension between law and gospel, even though I know what those terms mean.

I am Lutheran because like the Israelites had Abraham as their father and they rode his coat-tails on that identity, so too do I ride on the fact that I am a member of a church, maybe for fifty years, and that one church IS MY church, so therefore I own that church, and I have controlling interest as to how my money is spent, who gets to sit where, who I call for my pastor, taking notice of all the dirty spots on the narthex carpeting, and don't even get me started about how I feel about how my church has drums, guitar, and piano in church....that is just not right!

I am Lutheran because the only instrument that is qualified to accompany any and all singing as a solo or a congregation, is of course the organ, preferably 5 or more consoles with multiple pipes for an added sense of grandeur!

I am Lutheran because my church does not expect anything from me, and I can therefore blend into the crowd as I come in and out if its life.

I am Lutheran because my church does not teach the bible at all...well, ok, the pastor teaches me on Sunday, but that's about all the bible I need to get me through.

I am Lutheran because I can belong to a church, become a member, come to worship once a year, commune once a year, give as much as five bucks, and still receive the church newsletter, vote at the annual meeting, expect my pastor to visit me in the hospital (even though I have not called the church or told anyone to call the church to let them know I am there) whenever I am there, know my family and my kids, know my occupation, know that I am a good person and that I do not struggle with anything, and that I would raise hell if the church asked me for any of my time.

I am Lutheran because my parents were Lutheran. Their parents were Lutheran. Their parents were Lutheran. Their parents were Lutheran even before they left Norway (Sweden for you heathen!).

I am Lutheran because I know what delicious food tastes like, smells like, and looks like. I can describe to you in great details what lutefisk is, what German potato salad is, and just how many carrot shavings are allowable in orange or green jello! I use my fine culinary skills for every funeral the church has, and am disappointed when the pastors do not complement me and my co-workers for our developed skills of offering the cheapest of ham sandwiches and the richest of hotdishes...including one with green beans!

I am Lutheran because I along with my cohorts, own every inch of the church's kitchen! I know how many forks, knives, coffee cups, saucers, trays, and Nescos are behind the cabinet doors. I can describe verbatim, the operating instructions for the Hobart dishwasher, although I am not willing to actually run it, because that would take away from my hosting duties! I of course, am also very offended when intruders decide to use the kitchen and leave anything out, ignoring its rightful place of existence. I am Lutheran because my kitchen is as sacred as the sanctuary itself!

I am Lutheran because I rely on other people to do the difficult work of actually serving the church. I do this because I do not have the time, I feel I am not all that competent to do whatever it is, and that I may have actually done my time in the past to serve the church. I choose now to willingly stand on the sidelines even though I along with my other Lutheran friends, have not decided to give up and let go of the reins so that the younger generations below us can do things maybe even better. I am Lutheran because I do not want to participate, but I love to control the church.

I am Lutheran because I feel I need communion once a week. And that communion needs to be at every service just in case I feel I need to come to the second service, because I overslept from last night's Lawrence Welk marathon. I need to receive communion on my knees up front around the altar, because it makes me seem more humble if I am seen that way. And don't even get me started about the whole intinction thing. Nothing but communion as a drive-through option!

I am Lutheran because I want my kids to come to confirmation when they feel like it. I will of course expect my pastor to understand that sports are what keeps my child happy, so as long as they want to do it, and they are good at it, my pastor needs to understand then why we cannot come to worship on Sunday or Saturday, because we are always out of town for games, meets, tournaments, matches, semi-finals, or finals! And I expect my pastor to compromise his expectations for my child because we are a church of grace...doesn't everyone get confirmed? I also need my pastor to understand that my child needs to leave early on Wednesdays before confirmation gets done because he/she needs to go to practice. And I do not think it's right that my child do sermon notes, worship participation things like acolyting, ushering, etc., and that my child should be allowed to not come to Sunday School...I mean, come on, that was over after their third grade year!!! I am Lutheran because I want my child to be confirmed even though I have no intention to fulfill the promises I made on behalf of my child the day he/she was baptized!

I am Lutheran because I was baptized Lutheran, went to Lutheran sunday school, went to Lutheran confirmation, left church after confirmation, went to a Lutheran college, came back to the Lutheran church to be married there, had my kids baptized Lutheran, they did all the things I did when I was their age in the Lutheran church, and of course, I will have my funeral in a Lutheran church. I mean isn't that the point of life anyway...to make to heaven because I was such a good Lutheran...er, person?

I am Lutheran because that's all I know, all I have ever known, and all I ever will know!

More later...

2007-12-15T23:54:00.000-06:00

I Miss My Friend Bram! Two months, and I still cannot quite believe that everything really happened. I still feel as if I have not been awakened from this horrible nightmare in losing my friend. God, I wish he was around so I could maybe have one more smoke with him, one more drink with him, and tell him I love him one more time.

2007-12-14T11:55:00.000-06:00

I love this song by Porcupine Tree! It's called "Lazarus." The beauty in this song for me, is that this song is sad and happy at the same time. I definitely learned very early with Bram how to enjoy music that had both of these qualities, and to be inspired by the tension of both happy and sad. Definitely a beautiful song. I hope you enjoy it. More later...

2007-12-11T16:33:00.000-06:00

Allow me to tell you my newfound realization! I AM TIRED OF SNOW! I am glad that I have a snow blower to clear out my driveway and of course the damn mess that the plow leaves at the bottom of the driveway. Actually, that's the worst part. It piles up and is like twice the thickness of the snow that originally fell on the driveway and adjacent sidewalk. Pisses me off! Now, the entrance at the bottom of my driveway is at least half of the regular width of my driveway because of the said plow issues. So, when you drive into the driveway, you actually have to maneuver into the garage carefully, as well as backing out. That's interesting too. Anyone backing up may suffer the wrath of the piled snow at the bottom of my driveway, as one might happen to back up into said pile of snow guarding my house as if they are pillars of deservable death and retribution. Oh yeah, you know you have too much snow at the corners of your driveway piled up, that you can barely see the mailbox from under all of it! I wish I was eight again when I would make use of piles such as those and tunnel into them to make snow forts, or igloos depending on my mood. I made some very cool forts that way, but I had no one as my enemy to defend it against. Well, my newborn sister was around but she had a hard time just holding her head up, much less making snow balls to pelt her brother with so as to defeat him and claim victory for the fort!

You know, I wish I was like the guy across the street from us who works for a construction company somewhere in Madison. He just brings home a Bobcat from work, and clears out his drive that way. And he is done in 3.8 seconds flat! Plus it's damn cool to clear out the driveway with something that resembles a miniature tank...sort of and without the big gun on top. It's also days like today that I am happy that I have my trusty steed to blow through town in, as the village of Oregon definitely is not all that quick on the draw clearing out any of the side streets. I needed the four wheel drive to actually push through the driveway to get into church and then later, into my own driveway (as I type this, the village plows still have not come down our street to make a path...and we have a cop who lives down the street...you'd think he might have some pull). Oh well, this is of course, what I get living in suburbia as I do. I like it here, even when it resembles Antarctica or the North Dakota of my youth when snow would be at least eight feet high...and that was in June! More later...

2007-12-09T20:09:00.000-06:00

I am not really enjoying church too much lately. Namely because I feel like I see things right now, for what they are. I may have been too eager to see things with blinders on. I think after Bram's death, I just realize that I do not have time to play these fucking games in church about who gets to decide what color the ornaments should be on the sanctuary Christmas tree! I am feeling some pressure from the top down to do something that I frankly feel, I am not all that qualified to do (begin a small group ministry in a traditional Lutheran church setting!). So that's making me nuts, and it makes me feel as if those I answer to have not been listening to me, as I have said that very thing before. They knew that before they called me, I was not at all experienced to do this one thing. Now, I am being told that we need to have some sort of plan in place. Well, I know that the team I working on is more than capable of actually articulating that plan, but they are not ready to do that. I told this to the top down, and they are convinced it is a leadership issue. No shit! If I have never done this thing I am being asked to do, it will take some time to actually learn how I am to be a leader in actually articulating this plan. Maybe it's just me, but I feel too much pressure to put out something, that could equal that of a half-baked turd!

Frankly, this church does not deserve that. I want to be able to do my best, and offer the best kinds of things I can. To present something half-cocked is not going to do any good as it will not foster longevity. Small group ministry in a traditional Lutheran church may look good on paper, but when it comes to actually putting the ideas down, and following through on them, no one is qualified or experienced at all to even think about the best beginning point. I am not the type of person to do something without taking the time to learn about it. For fuck sake, I have been trying to work with this team since last April, and I am being told that the top down needs to be informed of our progress...bite me! Leave me and my team alone to do what we need to do without your damn opinions. Actually, I am thinking lately, that I may be mismatched to actually do this. But, I just keep trying to plug along. To be honest, since Bram's death, I have not been all that plugged into this group of mine, and it shows. I was ready to go somewhere before Bram's death with this group, but now I see things more clearly. At least, that we are not where we though we were, where I thought we were.

I love the idea of having a small group ministry in church, but it is not all enjoyable when you are the guy to have to design it, group it, plan it, report it, and then execute it. I am so not a detail guy. I hate details. I can see big pictures, but then to focus them is not all that good for me. Details are hard for me to prioritize and then do them that way. I get so lost in the details, worrying about getting them all done, instead of worrying about one at a time. Sometimes I wish I had OCD! DAMMIT! Anyway, I am done with my woe-is-me confession. But, you know I need to vent here. God knows that the top down does not take my concerns all that well. I am feeling that there are glimpses here of my former church. And that is not a good thing people. God, maybe it's me. Maybe I am the problem. I have these daydreams about getting out of the whole ministry thing altogether. The pressure that comes with this job sometimes, is not worth it. Life is too short for me to be stressed out about small group ministry. Too many other concerns are important first, but the top down believes that small group ministry will somehow be the savior of us all. That this ministry will somehow fix these concerns. Bullshit! I am not convinced it will.

I guess the other day, I really began to think about what I would do if I threw in the towel and left ministry permanently. I look out from the pulpit and I see tired, unresponsive faces, who are in church for something...I am not sure what. When people are asked to step up and take care of their church, they do not. I hate that. I am discouraged by seeing too many faces in church to just be there, and do nothing else. I figure at times, why try if people are already checked out? Defeatist? Me? Maybe. But, I have seen this before. Hours and care go into things to make ministry better in a church, and people by their disinterest, show that they are not interested in changing their life in the church. I am glad Jesus loves them. Because sometimes I do not have the strength to do it. Thank God Jesus is Jesus, and I am not. I like it that way! More later...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COLLIN!

2007-12-06T21:28:00.001-06:00

My wife and I are the proud parents of a three year old as of today. My boy turned the big "03" at about 1:25 this afternoon. I cannot believe I have a three year old. I have a friend who recently told me that he is the father of a teenager, who happens to go to the same junior high where this friend of mine and I met when we were that very age. I think without saying it to each other, we both felt old; like time had just been nothing but a blur. The next thing I know, my son will be 18, graduating high school, and going off to college or whatever else he wants to do. I have just a difficult time understanding where the last three years went. I am not sure how I am going to adjust to my son getting older, going off to school, making friends, trying to fit in, trying school activities, maybe having his first crush or having his heart broken.

These are all things I am not looking forward to, mainly because they will prove to me that my son is aging, getting older, and somehow I am too. I worry about him even now at day care. Maybe that's because I want to protect him from all the damn shallow evils of what other kids are capable of. I know I cannot do that, but I want to. I have this thing I do at night after my wife and son have gone to bed before me. I usually walk into his room and look at his face, which is illuminated by the Thomas the Tank Engine nightlight. I lean down and kiss his head, and tell him I love him. I stand and look at him one last time, as if that is going to be the last time I ever see his face. I remember that moment, because that's the image I want in my head as I fall asleep. I am so happy to be the father of a three year old, magnificent boy who is growing so fast...all I want to do is slow my life down long enough to watch him grow up before I miss it. Happy Birthday Collin! Love ya, buddy! More later...

2007-12-03T13:30:00.000-06:00

This is my latest poem. I guess I was thinking about how we really are separated from one another and as we live in our own tight bubble of coroporate productivity or self-aggrandizing delusions of how we are well off and superior to others who have little, I started to think about the separation of people. Yet, in that separation, people become addicted to their own little corner of mediocrity. Their lives are a series of things they have done before...nothing comes as a challenge to believe in a greater driving force to live. For me, this does us no good if we are to leave this place more connected and nurtured than we found it. It's strange...my mind works very fast when I write, so the ideas come in a second...funny how this idea has stayed with me for a while.

eyes apart
11.30.07

all things around me are vacantly alone…
the blank stares from people beside me
leave me staring into what they look at.
i question the distance they must feel inside.
silence between everyone is contagious…
their splintering souls need love or time.
but it’s the mystery of the body within
that drives misery from the hiding places.
emerging with closed hands and cold skin,
humanity crawls to view the world in motion.
the noise of words drown out silence…
peace stands in-between the weak and ignored.
once again, the emptiness is vacant
of any instant connection of brand new trust.
validation of the soul is in the background…
i see thousands with hands held out for touch,
and yet they are pushed further back
into waiting for the pace of the world to notice.
they are their own blessing to each other
as no one else gets off the spinning
and teetering of the global ignorance of denial.
to save and feed, to love and to protect…
it seems the menu has a hidden expense
busy souls are already indebted to.
the space around their hearts into their
consciences might as well be a million miles.
an attitude of superiority suppresses
any shred of reply in compassion or decency.
humanity is in exile…away from suffering,
away from indifference, away from necessity.
realization of indecision lies dead and buried
by the realists who want their own needs first.
breaking the bread and drinking the wine
become rehearsed movements meaning nothing...
and so they quietly stare into the blank spaces
ahead of them, going into the moments of time.
they stare into the constant rotation of day and night,
of love and sex, of faith and doubt,
of jobs and pets, of school and luxury,
of sickness and gifts, of age and death.
unable to breathe freely from their hope,
they choke out the sunlight’s warmth from
the coldness that had been their life.
i see the blank faces stare at what they see,
and i begin to feel what separates them from me.
it is the distance of dread in a world of need.
the distance of high walls and far away emotion.
to be able to do nothing in a world that asks,
is taking its needs and executing their dreams of innocence.
and so i am left with this distance in my sight…i ask:
“when is it going to be alright for us all to stare at each other?”

Song Of The Day

2007-11-30T13:40:00.000-06:00

This is such a great song by Marillion!!! Brings tears to my eyes each time I hear it. "Beautiful" makes me think of all the beautiful people and friends, love and passion, faith and stuggle that I am blessed with. Especially now that he is gone, this song makes me think of how beautiful Bram was, and how a song like this really describes his heart and how he saw beauty in everything! Anyway, I hope you like this song too... Sit back and close your eyes...listen. More later...

2007-11-29T18:26:00.000-06:00

Last night, after confirmation was over, I took our babysitter home. My son was with me of course, as I did not think I should leave him home...I mean he is a responsible three year old, but come on. BTW, the going rate today for the average teenage babysitter... Holy crap! I am not cheap, but it is ridiculous what the average is around here (Average is $7/hr.) Anyone else know what your average is? Anyway, I took us both to McDonald's for some dinner. I ordered my 10 piece nugget meal and got my son a happy meal. The teller was of course forgetful with everything in my order, so I reminded her about the three things she forgot. This amused her I think, that I would have the nerve to actually ask her to give me the things that she herself forgot to pack into our meals. What an ass am I! So, my boy from his car seat asks for his toy. I grab this bag and I try to identify what the hell is in it. McD's is running their Shrek 3 DVD release promotion, and so it's no surprise that what I opened up was the gingerbread man from the movie. He is dressed in holiday garb. My question is this: when did McDonald's toys turn into the cheapest, worthless excuse for pieces of crap? This stuff is now inexcusably horrible.

We got home and my son looked at me with this plastic piece of shit as if to say, "what the hell do I do with this now Dad?" The head of this gingerbread man comes off, and reveals these paper cards, nine of them in all. There are three cards that if laid from top to bottom in the right order, will actually reveal who the character is. The cards are kept in the bottom half of the man, but that's not the weird part. Apparently, this gingerbread man is a game in and of itself. In the back of him is this plastic flip up button. With the head off, you are to hit the button real hard, it flips the cards out in a big mass. The goal is to match the cards based on how they hit...or some lame explanation that I read. Even I am confused about the stupidity of this toy.

I remember back in the day when these fast food chains would have really cool toys, especially McD's and Hardees. At McD's, there was always some really cool matchbox car or Lego toy, or Star Wars figure. Hardees had their own version of a racing team...they put out a white pick-up, a white race car, and the orange trailer you could hitch to the pick-up to pull the race car. That was the coolest! My parents went to Hardees for three weeks in a row so I could collect those things. Long gone. But, I scored a well used set on Ebay last year. I remember collecting all sorts of cool toys from these assorted kids meals. But, now the stuff they try and give our kids is crap! Plastic, cheap, confusing, worthless junk my son loses interest in by the next morning. I say McD's needs to undergo a major renovation with their Happy Meal marketing dammit! NOW!!! I am now boycotting McD's on sheer principle. Bring back toys that matter, that are innocent, that are built well, and make kids drool with anticipation for the next one. Until McD's does this, I am not taking my kid to that emporium of bad food (nuggets excluded of course), bad service, and bad toys! Anyone else with me dangit? Grab your torches and let's go burn 'em down!!! Or at least, write nasty letters exclaiming disgust and offense that our kids are taken in by their shotty knock-offs we now look at in disbelief! Call me dramatic here... That clown doesn't scare me! More later...

2007-11-27T09:03:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday My Brother...

How's the turkey cake up there?

Miss you...

Quiet Riot Singer Dead!

2007-11-26T17:05:00.000-06:00

I just read this as I was logging on to check email. I cannot believe this. Quiet Riot was one of the very first metal bands that I ever obsessed about back in the sixth grade. I remember sleeping over at Jason Mackey's duplex while his Mom was working. We would crank his vinyl copy of "Metal Health" learning every word on that album. To this day, I pretty much remember all the lyrics whenever I listen to it! How many of us ever headbanged as we heard the kick and snare drum begin "Cum On Feel The Noize? Admit it...you did. Kevin DuBrow had such a distinct voice...I mean when I listened to the song "Love's A Bitch," I could hear his pain and perhaps his hate of it. Kevin's voice was so good. Strangely, I remember just moving into our new house on south hill, and I was in my room. I was actually listening to Metal Health, and I was inspired by the cover art to it. So much so, that I drew the mask from that album on my wall next to my bedroom door. Even though this was not very popular with the parents, they let me keep that drawing on the wall. That insane guy wearing the mask on the initial albums, was of course modeled after Kevin's persona. This is a terrible loss. One of the great voices of heavy metal is silenced. Awful. I cannot imagine what may have killed him...at this point it's too early to know. I know though, that the "12 year old" in me is sad that he's gone. RIP Kevin... More later...

2007-11-25T16:59:00.000-06:00

Got a call at 4:30 this morning from the fifty-something parishioner of mine that I spoke of in my last post. She called to let me know that her "husband" C. had died at about 4:10. He took his last breath and that was it. I am relieved for her that his suffering is over finally. But, I am also so sad for her...losing her "husband" the day after they got married. I am so glad that I got to marry them both in the eyes of God and commune them. That was one of the coolest things I have ever been privileged to do. I was so honored and blown away by that whole experience. It's been very moving to be a part of this family's life in this moment. I guess I have a whole different perspective now about death and the process of grieving it as it still feels very close to me. Bram's death changed everything about grief, loss, hope, and resurrection.

With C.'s death, I feel so connected to it, that I found myself crying this morning because it's close to me; these two people opened their lives to each other and to us at church and invited us to walk with them. Both of them loved each other so much...I remember C. saying numerous times in our small group, "I love this woman here so much...she has saved my life." It's that inspiring affirmation of what his life became that makes my heart break for his wife. I think right now, she just feels a sense of relief as I think it became difficult for her to maintain his level of care that he needed, and to be strong for him, has taken a bit of an emotional toll on her. I can't imagine this has been easy at all for her. In fact, I know it hasn't been. But, for now, she is surrounded by family, friends, her church, and we who love them both as we all grieve C.'s death.

I have to share with you something so awesome. My colleague showed up at the Hospice facility this morning (I had to get to church and prepare for service as I was preaching), and he described to me what he saw. Outside of C.'s room was this huge sign that was made by the nurses who all signed it, that read in big bold letters, "Just Married!" There were massive balloons hung there and it looked amazing! When I talked to K. (C.'s "wife") last night, she mentioned to me that the nurses also made she and C. a wedding cake of sorts and even had the miniature bride and groom on top of it. I am sure that those wonderful nurses and staff do not see that happen very often in that place...a wedding for a dying person! How cool is that?

My colleague and I are invited to lead the funeral this next weekend and I am honored to do that. It will be a difficult funeral to get through, but it will nonetheless be something very moving, very closing, and very hopeful for us all I think. It will be hopeful because C. was a man of hope and he was ready to as he said to me, "meet Jesus." I only hope I can be that ready to meet him. More later...

2007-11-24T14:06:00.000-06:00

Some things about my day so far:

1) My in-laws are here for a few days. That's good. I like when they come down and see us. This year's Thanksgiving was just between my wife, me, and my son. It was a quiet gathering of just us. But, it was all good. Watched my beloved Packers kick the snot out of Detroit. Any surprise there? I like having family here at least to see their grandson. And, they brought some really good flatbread with them...so they can stay for a minimal charge I guess.

2) I got a call from a parishioner of mine this morning. She is a fifty-something woman engaged to a fifty-something man. They are engaged to be married...second one for both. They have grown up kids like my age. And could not be anymore in love with each other. They are cute to watch. The thing is, he is dying of inoperable lung cancer. The tumor has spread beyond anyone's expectations including his. This has been difficult to deal with as they are amazing people and basically found each other last year before he found out about all this. The phone call this morning was to inform me that he was now at the hospice care facility and that he probably is not going to live through the weekend. Went to church, grabbed by communion kit, and drove there. This is an amazing place, as it is also a very sad place. The architecture and ambiance here was very welcoming.

I found his room, and there sat this faithful fiance of his, rubbing his shoulders. Because of the pain and how the tumor has spread, he cannot lay his head down, and so he looks as if he is hunched over all the time...very uncomfortable. We sat there for a bit talking, more people showed up, and there were moments of silence. There was a discussion about how my colleague and I were asked by this guy to marry him NOW because of how little time he has, but then after has said that, he changed his mind, and thought he would wait. I mentioned that to his fiance, and she said, "Well, you are here, my friends are here, his friends are here, let's do it...let's get married in the eyes of God!" I loved that. Threw me off, but I loved that moment. It was beautiful. I prayed, they exchanged vows (well, she did, and I think he said what he had to say, but on the inside as he can't really talk). She kissed him on the head and that was that. We had communion, and said some prayers, and then had some time to just be together. It was amazing. I even met this guys three "brothers" best friends for thirty some years. They told stories and joked about this guy...I am sure he would have added to this session if he could've. Made me think of my three best friends...one of whom also died recently. It's weird to see that again from a point of view that you know the severity of the pain of loss, but then to know the bond those guys share too is all too familiar and close to me.

As I was leaving the building, I noticed a van pulled up with its back door open. I then looked left of that, and there was the body of someone who had recently died, draped with a quilt. The nurses stood there, some cried, and they let the funeral director put the body in the van. I stood and watched this from an entrance as I was about to leave. I don't know if I could work in the place like that, with so much death around. I mean, this is a place that allows death to happen as peacefully as possible, yet the horrible realization is that that's all they do there...is allow death to happen. Strangely, I have thought about becoming a chaplain...at least I know the ministry I do matters in that line of work. Conversely, I know that when I am with a family and their dying loved one, it takes this strange emotional toll on me. It's tiring yes, but I have learned to just separate it from me somehow. It's not easy. And as I write this, I am aware of the fact that I may have find some sort of strength to go back and be there as he takes his final breath. That would be alright...I know that the pain he's in now is no way to live, and that he needs to be relieved of his suffering. You know it's bad when not even a stiff shot of morphine cannot curb the pain anymore. We'll see if he goes soon...

3) On a lighter note, I am listening to one of my favorite music groups that I have only recently gotten into. They sound like a cross between Tool with Pink Floyd. They play heavy one second and then play this layered beautiful trippy music that is so good. They are called Porcupine Tree. This CD that I am listening to now is titled, "Coma Divine: Recorded Live In Rome." Amazing mix of their more atmospheric and rock in this live concert. All of these guys are intelligent players and are incredibly tight. Definitely check these guys out. "The Sky Moves Sideways" is also really cool....very spacey and relaxing. More later...

2007-11-23T18:54:00.000-06:00

Sermon DONE! As of 3PM today, I put the final period down! Check out our church website at www.stjohnsoregonwi.org next week to listen to it. Trust me, I am no Billy Graham, but then again, he is no ME! More later...

2007-11-22T19:42:00.000-06:00

I went to our local food emporium this morning to get last minute items needed for the big feast this afternoon. Important items like condensed evaporated milk so that my favorite pie could be assembled...can anything top banana cream pie? Anyway, I noticed that the store was packed full of other guys doing what I was doing...buying last minute items their wives told them to go get. I paid for all that. Drove my cart towards the exit. The exit is two doors side by side, this sort of airlock, and then another side by side double doors. In that "airlock" is a bulletin board where people from the community put their postings, job offers, babysitting numbers, lost dog posters, and any other assorted attention getter.

As I made my way through this, I noticed a picture that got my attention. There on top of all the other outdated pieces of paper, was a picture of a turkey. Above it read the caption, "got tofu?" And on the bottom of it read, "save a turkey!" Now, I tend not to get my big boy pants in a bunch about these sort of animal rights freakezoids who try to change my mind about the ethics of co-habitation with animals and their doomed fate of ending up on my dinner table! That said, I thought to myself that most red blooded American people, especially on this day, are going to eat of the sacred bird because it is oh so good. Unless of course, you are a raging vegetarian, and think that tofurkey is more appetizing! Why if they are so good, would I want to save just one? I want to eat one! And, can someone tell me what do turkeys have to live for anyway? Not that I am a cruel inhumane jerk who believes we are superior to them (perhaps we are), but what the hell do turkeys do, how do they live, do they have a health care plan or a 401K that helps them retire into the twilight of their lives comfortably? What would I be saving a turkey for? My own conscience?

I think they are meant to be eaten well just as the billions of chickens that are alive at this moment. They will eventually end up cooked or grilled to fill appetites all over the world. Both birds are yummy and quite healthy for us. I would much rather chomp into the sacred beloved turkey than suffer the dripping, wet mass of indescribable taste and horrible digestion of tofu! This would make me violently ill and would require a stomach pump at once! God bless the turkey...and the succulence it exists for. Ahhhh! Is there anything better than a bit of cooked turkey skin drenched in butter piled atop a mass of future sandwich meat? Well, maybe Gino's East pan pizza in Chicago... But that's a whole other post! Happy Eating Turkey Day people! Screw Tofu! More later...

2007-11-21T22:23:00.000-06:00

Today, I was on kid patrol so I had to watch the boychild as my wife was teaching today. I forgot how much he is a typical three and I am an old thirty-three. We tend not to watch the same TV shows religiously. He wins the fight since I do not want his air raid siren cranking volume in my ears. But here are some things that I noticed today that I find a bit disturbing about his shows. Bear this in mind if your child is obsessed with these programs.

1) What is up with the Doodlebops? I cannot stand this show...the show follows the same pattern everytime. They all sit in their playhouse, Mo pulls the rope, the large and in charge lady comes out, there is some kind of issue, they hop on their school type tour bus which inevitably flies or is rocket powered...and the busdriver is some overweight hippy. They get to their mock concert where throngs of kids sing along and of course the bops dance around and fake playing their instruments really badly. I have been disturbed by this show since I first saw it. There is no creativity...none! Really bad Canadian actors trying to be way too happy is not my idea of entertainment. I have a theory too. I truly believe that Rooney is totally gay, and the other two are in denial about it. Am I wrong people?

2) Lazytown is by far the most annoying show I have ever seen...well, besides Max and Ruby! I am not sure about the puppets...they freak me out...kind of like when I was a kid and I would watch HR Puffinstuff on Saturday mornings, and be weirded out by Witchiepoo. Same thing. What I loathe about this show is that they use this really bad Euro-disco music throughout the show to make it enjoyable and danceable for the kids. I get this. But, I feel like I am sipping watered down vodka sours on Thursday nights at the T during the fall of 1995 whenever I hear that damn music...same stuff that I was subjected to then. Course Lazytown is made in Iceland, and I tend to think that Europeans think their disco is by far actually, listenable! Uh, might I remind them of Eiffel 65...that was so ten years ago and even then, it was BAD! The producers need to take note...stop with the bad music, and hire Paul Van Dyk to make music for your show. Now I would not only watch this show, but I would buy the soundtrack if PVD was the DJ! I would even explore the possibilities of making the anti-hero, Robbie Rotten become some sort of serial maniac puppet killer...that would suffice.

3) I was watching Spongebob Squarepants and I gotta admit, I love this show. It has so much humor packed into it for both kids and adults. But today I noticed something that I thought might have been strangely subversive about Squidword. The episode had Squid fired from the Krusty Krab and of course, Spongebob takes him in and looks after him until he thinks, Squid will have the confidence to look for another job. It gets to the point that Squid has overstayed his welcome and Spongebob is ticked. Squid calls for Spongebob to bring him his lemonade, comes into the bedroom with it, but Squid says to Spongebob, "Where is your uniform?" Spongebob slinks backwards and comes back into the bedroom with a French maid outfit on, ultimately revealing that there is no back covering to the uniform, so we do indeed see his underwear! Now, is there something about that scene that I find strange? Why not dress Spongebob up in a bear suit, or even Mermaid Man, but really, a French Maid? I think that Squidword is really into the master and servant psycho-sexual dynamic he wishes he could share with Spongebob. But, Spongebob is too busy with Patrick being his best friend and so Squidword lives in misery with his clarinet, dead-end job, sudsy baths, and bad facial cream!

Keep in mind this is how my own mind works as I endure children's programming. I just sat there and laughed about how my mind was receiving what I was watching. I had nothing better to do today either, well, except finish my sermon (see previous post), and get ready for our ecumenical Thanksgiving service at the local Catholic church tonight. Very cool experience. I think by the time that rolled around tonight, my mind was in a far better place... Now, I need a Tylenol and a tea. More later...

2007-11-20T16:23:00.000-06:00

There are sometimes that I wish there was no such thing as a sermon. I love to be able to preach, but I have found that when I got nothin', when the mental tank is empty, it's difficult to actually say anything that remotely feels or sounds like, in a set period of time, words that are meant to uplift, empower, and/or challenge. I have not always been one to not have anything to say. But, at this moment, I feel like my life is has been moving so fast, and has accelerated to light speed this past week, that I have not actually had time to reflect on how I can even use a moment of my life as an example in this upcoming sermon I am to preach this weekend. SO, I got nothing.

For example, in the church year, this upcoming weekend is known as "Christ the King" weekend. It's basically a time in which we are told once a year just how Christ is the king of the world, as opposed to Jack extending his arms out on a doomed ship's nose. And so, in order to somewhat challenge me and to forgo the sheer boredom of this weekend (don't shoot...it's just my opinion), I chose to preach on the New Testament lesson from Colossians 1:11-20. The first four verses in this group do not add anything to the overall story, so I chose 15-20 instead. I have read the first chapter of Colossians since seminary and have never really grasped its full meaning. Try reading anything in Arabic, and you will know what I mean. And now, I am choosing to preach on six verses and it's almost driving me to drink...alot (strange dichotomy of wanting to drink and wanting to write a sermon).

At this point, I have written around eight pages and I have still not arrived at a point where I can begin to wrap it up...not that I am saying too much, but because I don't know where to go next. UGH! You know, it's like trying to write some kind of serious extemporaneous speech for high school senior English EVERY WEEKEND! I have found that when a sermon bombs, it bombs badly. There really is no sermon that is so-so. It either really holds together and is solid. OR, it is really painful to speak and to hear. Let me tell ya, there is no sensation in the world like when a sermon is falling flat and you know it. I just shrug my head and think I did the best I could. So, if any of you theologians, agnostics, or even atheists want to give me a hand at this awfully thick biblical text, by all means and under the grace of Kierkegaard himself, may it be preached with zero knowledge of how the hell to do so. Can you tell I am banging my head against the sacristy closet door on this one? Although, the sacristy holds the communion wine, so maybe a drink or two... Nah, I get my own big chalice full during church. I will wait 'til then after I have preached this doosy! More later...

2007-11-19T17:24:00.001-06:00

I am really, really liking this new offering from Queensryche called "Take Cover." They basically covered a bunch of tunes that they all were inspired by, or just thought may be a challenge to cover, and so they recorded them. The strangest song they covered, but by far my favorite, has got to be"Heaven On Their Minds" from the Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack! Their versions of "Synchronicity II" and "Red Rain" are very cool! Heavy and groove oriented...this CD takes all of these songs that we know by radio airplay and just puts chunk and balls to every one of them! Definitely one of my favorite CDs to come out this year as it shows why Queensryche is by far one of the best technical, prog bands still doing what they were blessed to do. I am also using this as one of my workout CDs...it's that good! More later...

2007-11-18T21:24:00.000-06:00

So, I have to tell you something that has perplexed me for the past day. Saturday night, I was in the bathroom attached to our bedroom, and after spending some time in there, I went to go for a drink of water. I have a plastic mug that I leave there for that wonderful refreshing quick gulp of water. This is no ordinary mug though see. This is my Texas Rangers mug that I bought when I was in Dallas because I was delusional thinking that because I was in Texas, I of course should be a Rangers supporter. God, what was I thinking? Anyway, there I was taking my mug, and I noticed that there was some water left in there from the last time I drank water. So, as I emptied the old water into the sink, what did I see come out from my mug? A mosquito!!! An actual little biting, blood sucking pest that should be long dead by now. But no! How he existed in my mug for a week or so was beyond me. Aren't mosquitoes supposed to be dead now that weather outside is cold? And if this pest made into my house, when did he enter? Had to have been a time when it was warm out, and we haven't had one of those in a while! How long has that damn mosquito been hanging around? And why did he think it was alright to breed in the confines of my cup holding my water? The nerve of that little creep! His fate you ask? He was slow to fly out and found that the wall could stop his mid-air escape, so I took my mach 3 hand and vaporized the mutha! Justice and vengeance was mine! I of course, am now freaked out to even drink out of my beloved mug, for fear that I might ingest mosquito eggs that could gestate in my stomach making me turn into one of them...trust me, I saw the movie, "The Fly!" I know what happens when bug DNA mutates with human DNA! No thanks! I am bleaching the hell out of my mug man! More later...

2007-11-15T08:30:00.000-06:00

L to R: Derek, Me, Patrick, Bram, Travis, Phil

It's been one month since we lost you friend! I miss you and think about you everyday here. The world just doesn't seem to shine as bright anymore. You were my brother, and I will never forget that. You continue to inspire the best in me as I walk around with memories, words, and places you are. I look forward to seeing you again someday Bram. Until then, I hope you and Nietzsche enjoy the coffee and have some good philosophical chats. Miss you lots...

2007-11-14T22:56:00.000-06:00

OK, seriously...enough with the damn Christmas commercials already. I cannot stand them. I even saw a Christmas commercial the day before Halloween this year. That is ridiculous! I know the economy right now sucks, and people are not spending the usual gratuitous amount of money they think they have, but give me a break. I love Christmas...I really do. But the stupid commercialization during this time of the year, when it may nice to think about what is important in living, is awful. It makes me vomit when I think about how retailers take advantage of the obsession our culture craves for gift buying! Not to mention that I somehow think that this is not what God had in mind when he blessed his Son with life that night. It's as if the commercialization of the holiday is saying, "Happy Birthday Jesus...thanks for making us money off selling loads of crap to the faithful!

I love the intimacy of Christmas, the need to re-evaluate my own life and how people simply become five all over again. For me, Christmas is a time of emotion, hectic schedule, and exhaustion. It's busy and this year is no exception. I don't mind though. But, Christmas makes me really all the more sensitive about how people become very greedy, very narcissistic, arrogant, and selfish! I think about how people would rather be happy than be faithful. I have heard that you can be both... But, I have also heard that "you can save money, but money can't save you." If money truly makes people happy, than I would hate to see what's really in their soul. If a person's heart is not changed by living a life that at least tries to see how generosity can change a life, then I would question their priorities.

For me, it all comes back to how retail companies fight for every last dollar they can squeeze out of the willing who scour the ads, watch the commercials, and crave the excessive giving and acquiring. I guess the almighty dollar's voice speaks the loudest for people who cannot hear the voice of God speaking up for the poor. I guess I am already tired of hearing the music, seeing the colorful blurs, and hearing the voice overs asking me to come and buy crap to make my Christmas the most meaningful. The ad above makes me sick...the manger scene with young parents, their newborn, and surrounding them is the latest in camping gear including the tent they are in... Trite and shallow imagery gets me to spend my dollars! Thanks you fat, sweaty guys who sit around all day, sucking down Dunkin' donuts, drinking bold coffee, taking amphetamines by the handful who love asking the question, "what would make me want to buy more?" Dinks! More later...

2007-11-12T10:58:00.000-06:00

Workout Update Number One:
I woke up this morning with the best of intentions to actually use the now purchased machine of death (see previous post). And so, I got my best black T-Shirt out, pulled on some shorts, put my sneaks on, set the Ipod to Dream Theater's Systematic Chaos, programmed the treadmill, and I was off and walking!

Here are my current stats...
Minutes - 30
Calories - 134
Incline - 1.5
Miles - 1.42
Minutes per mile - 20.0
Speed - I bounced between 2.8 and 3.0

I can feel the fat sweating off! Dammit, all I want to do is to be able to fit into XL T-shirts again, and of course fitting into the regular size jeans! Plus, I want to be healthy...maybe that's why I am doing this, well, and for my son. Let's hope I can achieve some major loss! More later...

2007-11-11T19:55:00.000-06:00

Dear God...we now own one of these! The pic is of the one we bought today, and then slowly moved it into our house. My wife and I pretty much said all the words that you are not supposed to say, but in that time period of actually unboxing it, unwrapping it, moving it from the tailgate down, moving it through the garage slowly, lifting it, er, cussing at it, lifting it again, wrangling it three times, moving it slowly through living room, allowing it to go downstairs to the family room one step at a time, and then slowly rolling it to where we could put it together, we both felt excited to try this new toy out. I hated the process though, to actually get the damn thing in my house! I figure if I go through that again, I will not need a frickin' treadmill! But, as the picture above does depict, it has a cool input for the Ipod, it actually holds my beautiful big boy body without caving in on itself, and is actually really quiet. It has a heart rate monitor on the front handles which is really cool.

I think I am going to use this because for me, I hate going to the gym to be with...uh, people. I am an introvert by design, and so for me, the last thing I want to do as I am already uncomfortable with my body anyway, is to be with a bunch of strangers who mostly look good, but who are trying to burn off that cheeseburger they had for lunch! Me, I am trying to burn off ten years worth! AND, I am already around a bunch of people by the sheer nature of my job, so I very much enjoy the moments alone...including those that I can actually use a treadmill and not worry about being too conscientious about how I look...not that I am as big as a side of beef, but that I have aged well through the wonderful world of crap I shouldn't eat.

I am looking forward to burning calories, drinking something as I go, and listening to really bad Euro-Trance music as I walk my 20 minutes a day! Wait...strike that! Maybe Trance is not such a good idea, as I may fall asleep on said treadmill and roll right off, breaking my ass in two, and forcing me to give up on its seductive tractor beam of "burn, baby, burn!" Any suggestions for music selection is greatly appreciated people...except you who breathes, eats, and sleeps country music. I shan't degrade myself in losing weight to be motivated by songs of tractors, my cousin, rifles, and beer! Seriously, don't even try to go there. Now metal on the other hand... Metal is the key to getting me healthy and of course keeping my heart beating. Try listening to any Dream Theater, Slayer, Serenity, or Queensryche song with a calm and collective pulse...I would say you are not alive at all! More later...

2007-11-08T21:30:00.000-06:00

Song Of The Day: "Fragile" by Sting

2007-11-07T21:05:00.000-06:00

Today, I wore my favorite black, zip up sweater. I wore it as I needed to look nice. I, along with the rest of my area clergy colleagues got our mugs shot today by the local paper as we are leading the ecumenical Thanksgiving service. I guess they want to know who we all are, or at least what our faces look like. But, as I stood there awaiting the guy to shoot, I had this overwhelming sense that I possibly look like Uncle Fester, what with the black sweater, the high neckline to said sweater, my bald head and bright personality. No, I did not have a light bulb inserted in my mouth...although that would be a cool picture in the paper! I always wanted to be Gomez anyway...as he wore the damn fine smoking jackets. More later...

2007-11-06T22:46:00.000-06:00

Song Of The Day: "Eyes Of A Stranger" by Queensryche

2007-11-06T15:10:00.000-06:00

I have to admit, that whoever designed these DW 9000 double pedals is a freeeeekin genius! I love to have these at my feet as I am pounding out my aggression on a Megadeth song or awakening the Holy Spirit on a worship song. Amazingly smooth, quiet, and responsive. For me, it's having the quality of something well designed, thought out, and built that actually makes me happy to play the drums! In fact, something like my "Dubs" (I know, I am not that cool to actually use this word, nor am I young enough to qualify its usage, but I gave it a shot) puts a nasty little grin on me face... It's as if perhaps, I have the same reaction as if I sip a glass of Jameson right out of a new bottle! AHHHHH! Perfection! Dang, now I am thirsty, and I am at work. Is it wrong to drink a spot of Irish Whiskey at church if you are the pastor, even though it may be 5:00 somewhere? More later...

2007-11-05T09:01:00.000-06:00

I have been listening to Peter Gabriel ALOT lately! He has an amazing voice, the music is intelligent, and there is just something about the emotion that I sense he puts into the music that I can relate to. I feel emotional listening to him. One of the best live concerts I own on CD is his concert called "Secret World Live." So damn good!!! The eleven plus minute version of "In Your Eyes" is worth it alone! I have always wanted to see this guy live, but have not. I guess I bring this whole thing up, because Peter Gabriel makes me think of not only maybe a love of mine once, but my best friend Bram.

When I was a senior at Concordia, Bram had transferred to Moorhead State, and stayed there for a year. It was the best year I had of college. But, I remember Bram telling me about how he had heard this CD from Peter Gabriel and that I had to hear it, own it, and take it in. It was called "Passion." The music was written for the movie "The Last Temptation of Christ." So, because I was a big Peter Gabriel fan even then, I knew there wasn't much to lose, so I went to Media Play, and bought the CD. Called him up, and he came over. We were listening to it, and when the track "Passion" began to play, I noticed Bram close his eyes. And as the vocalist's voice becomes more and more emotional almost to the point of being painful, I saw Bram's eyes close tighter, it was if he could feel the pain of the vocalist singing this cry. The voice trails off and you begin to hear this undercurrent of rhythm and vocals build. I too closed my eyes then, and felt the death of Christ come through this song. Bram and I felt the music that day. We felt something beyond the music. It was if we were seeing the death of Christ together...

If there was one thing that alot of people may not have seen in Bram, it was that he was a very spiritual person. He and I had those transcendent moments that really surround and comfort the questions of why or how. I remember seeing him pray, seeing him lead worship, seeing him lead hundreds of kids in singing songs as loud as possible, seeing him take communion, sharing the roles of being Pharisees together, putting my arm around him and staring into a fire not saying a word, and seeing him close his eyes tightly while listening to a song depicting the death of Christ. Those are some of the wonderful faith-forming moments that make me thankful about what I do, and why I do it.

I love Peter Gabriel because his music takes me to a place that this world cannot touch, it doesn't understand, it fights me for, and wants to sanitize. I guess I want to hold onto that emotional innocence I feel connected with Gabriel's art. By this, I can see my life sharply contrasted by the loss of my childhood in the very death of my best friend who lived and died the same years Christ himself lived and died. I never want to lose a sense of myself because I grow old and scared to live a full life. I know Bram never lost himself to the world, to fear, to age. When I think of Bram, I think of Peter Gabriel giving the two of us the sense to feel emotion in music, in life, in spirituality. For a moment, that sense was as close to me as my blood inside. I wish I could feel that moment in its entirety once again. More later...

2007-11-04T13:47:00.000-06:00

I am offensively, unadulteratedly, unabashedly, religiously, ferociously, willingly, unbiasedly, prayerfully, gleefully, and playfully addicted to one of the best inventions in this dark and dreary world: Lipton Cold Brew Tea in the nice family friendly pitcher size tea bags!
I think I need some therapy for my addiction... More later...

2007-11-03T19:41:00.000-05:00

I heard this quote today: "Convince me that the movement Jesus began is more important than the institution people began." God, I wish churches would wake up and actually teach people that being a follower of Jesus is actually possible without judgment, moralization, or condemnation. The institutional church has given God a black eye and spit in his face because of course, people are the real gate keepers, right? What pisses me off is that we suck at being the church! That is, the church that Acts 2 speaks of...the kind of church that gives itself away to the poor, that actually loves people for who they are, that demands justice be voiced for those in poverty, or homelessness. This is the church that God dreams would be a reality for all people. I love John 3:16...it's a great verse, but I prefer the one after it. John 3:17 says, "For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him." If that's the case, why does the church (uh, why do "Christians") spend so much time then, condemning the world if Jesus came to save it?

I have friends who want nothing to do with the church, but they're curious about Jesus. The same goes for most younger generations...they consider themselves to be spiritual, but not religious. I would say I am the same way. I gag at the term religious, or religion. Too much baggage comes along with those terms. I wish the church would redefine itself into something that would change lives permanently. Instead, the prized commodity of "time" defines people's lives and are guarding it with their attention, commitment, and disassociation. People would rather come to church when it's convenient instead of it being a time of value and relevance in which their lives are built and restored in a constant process of being open to what they just might learn. People, esp. Baby Boomers on down, are incredibly disassociated from the church because the church has become lazy and dependant upon a false sense of stability. People want to know that their time will matter. Makes me sad... But, then again, the church being lazy and ignorant of its target audience, does not and chooses not to be relevant nor accepting of anything that remotely smells of "change." People are not going to come to church if the church is not going to offer people the tools, the knowledge, the skills and methods, THE COMMUNITY, in which their time will be less of a concern, but where their lives will be transformed into the kind of life that follows Jesus because it's the best and beautiful life they could have. Time is not so guarded when it is shaped by this life change we call being a student of the Rabbi.

If churches were smart, they would pray that God would do great things among them...that they expect God to do great things among them. Maybe it's a good thing for a church to be more concerned about the condition of its people than the condition of the institution. If people are hurting, address it. If people are unsure about committing to this Jesus, love them anyway and walk with them until they decide to commit. If people are uncaring about anything Jesus taught, teach them and expect God to open eyes and heart with his prying hands! See, I am convinced that hope is always possible for anyone. I know that some of my closest friends do not see any relevance or value in the church for them. I am sorry that I represent that corporate definition that hurts them. At the same time, I will live and die believing that hope is always possible for people to find their way to a church that loves them and accepts them for who they are because that's the way of relating to people Jesus put into practice.

Someone I was chatting with today told me he was tired of the institutional church and all of its unfocused bullshit. I agreed. He then proceeded to almost give me a prophetic acclamation. He told me that I should plant a church, because I have a passion for sticking my middle finger in the institutionalized church's smoothed over, fake smiling face...this face that does not care about people and cares about itself. Maybe some day... I do know one thing. I would leave the ELCA and not look back. Why? Because we are an aging church, a hemorrhaging church, and a lazy church. I have too much passion and inner-light than to allow the church to kill it slowly and take life from me. I have too much love for people and the condition of their hearts than the church's intolerance of people unlike them. God, I pray that you save your Son's church from those who would suck it dry of the life you want to bless it. Oh yeah, by the way, do you think you could send another flood, but this time, could you just take out all the churches and their national offices... Do you think that would help start your Son's church all over?

Two quotes from two very different people, but on the same page about the institutional church:

From the great deist, Thomas Paine in his work The Age Of Reason written in 1794! "All national institutions of churches...appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit."

From the great self-professed atheist Marilyn Manson in his catchy little tune, "The Beautiful People"
It's not your fault that your always wrong
The weak ones are there to justify the strong
The beautiful people, the beautiful people
It's all relative to the size of your steeple
You can't see the forest for the trees
You can't smell
your own shit on your knees...

More later...

2007-11-02T19:46:00.000-05:00

There are a few observations about my day that I want to share with you, the ever curious and friendly few who would admire my penchant for the small and unnoticeable. So, here goes...

I went to St. Mary's Hospital in Madison today to visit a parishioner who was in the ambulatory surgery section of the hospital. Mind you, this particular section is on the sixth floor. I have never been on the sixth floor. I got off the elevator, turned to my right, immediately noticed the familiar smell of bread rising, and what do I see smack dab in front of me? A bloody Subway...an actual Subway there in the corner of the hall. I could not believe it. I have heard of hospitals having of all things, a frickin' McDonald's not far away from their cardiology department, but this was one of the most oddest and frankly, out of place things I have ever seen! Although, it is a damn good excuse to grab a cookie or four when you are visiting Grandma Snerd!

I actually bought a leather bound journal today... Now, I have been writing poetry, but it has been on the computer, for the sake of ease and editing. When I started writing, I used something similar to what I bought. Although a good friend of mine gave me that one. That is the one that I filled up with my friend Bram at Perkins (see few posts back with attached poem). I like this one. It is quite thick and leaves room for plenty of my strange observations, what I call poems, odd thoughts, quirky theology (I am thinking about writing a book about theology for people who don't like theology or church although, knowing a few people like this, they may not even care). Additionally, I bought a new book by one of my favorite mystics. "The Way Of The Heart" by Henry Nouwen. I have yet to read it, but heard a single quote from it, and knew I needed to read it.

Let me tell you how much I HATE Madison traffic say, oh around 5PM! Now, thank God I do not have to do that everyday! I would go berserk if I had to endure sitting in that mire of machine and human and gas! It sucks! I hate to imagine what traffic is like for other metropoli (yes, that's plural). I left the west side of Madison at 5:01. I arrived in Oregon some 40 minutes later. It normally takes a good fifteen minutes. Now, I know I don't have much ground to bitch on here, but I found myself looking around at other people enduring this slow torture. Everyone looks straight ahead as to ignore each other...we all have sunglasses on and we all have pissed off/looks of exhaustion plastered on our faces. I of course found a pastime that kept me busy...I found the tastiest bag of sunflower seeds in my middle console (dill pickle flavored...SPITZ!), and began to enjoy with an empty Lipton tea jar for the used carcasses. I listened to Queen and enjoyed the slow trudge, until I found my back road shortcut home...but, I will not tell anyone here. Muuwahahaha!

It was last night, that I was scanning my favorite channel - VH-1 Classic. And for some odd reason, they had The Cure unplugged showing from like 1991. I immediately stopped, and watched this incredible band play these melancholy songs on their acoustics, and I get a bit choked up, because this was the band that Bram and I would admire, well, obsess about, and in doing so, Bram tried to do his hair all the time like Robert Smith...he succeeded quite well, and tried to teach me the technique for the perfect ratted out hair. I tried it, but I could never get the full volume like Bram. We would sit in his room and listen to Disintegration over and over and over. We would listen to it, and as we would, we would pull out our guitars (mine and his Dad's) and we would listen by ear to see if we could play the songs. We did alright! To this day, I do have a difficult time listening to The Cure because of the memories associated with them. The day Bram died, I spent that afternoon listening to Disintegration. It somehow lessened the shock, but not much. Anyway, I like The Cure...well, anything after Wish sucks! And you know, Bram would agree with me by just nodding his approval! "Well, it's opening time down on fascination street..." More later...

2007-11-01T08:59:00.000-05:00

I was scanning the TV channels the other night and found Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on, and I began to watch it. I have loved this movie since I was a kid...to the point that I pretty much know every line in it. But, there was one line that caught my attention. After Violet Beaurogard blows up like a blueberry and she is rolled out of the inventing room to be squeezed, Willy asks this really strange question - "Where is fancy bred? In the heart or in the head?" I noticed that Gene Wilder is this sort of maniacal genius in the movie...I knew this, but all of a sudden I have a more sinister appreciation of the darkness of that movie. Remember the riverboat/acid trip sequence where they show the beheading of a chicken? Anyway, I leave you with this other odd line: "Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker." I think Roald Dahl was definitely high when he penned the initial draft of this entire story...he had to be. And yet, how many of us love this damn movie? I do and I readily admit that I still get choked up when Charlie's Mum sings, "Cheer up Charlie..." More later...

2007-10-31T10:13:00.000-05:00

I frickin love AMC! They are running all of the Halloween movies today...all day! Halloween was one of the first scary movies I saw when I was a kid and it scared the crap out of me then. My other favs are Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Psycho, and Jaws! Incidentally, when my wife and I were coming home the other day from the northland, I saw the sign to turn off on the road to go to Plainfield Wisconsin. Plainfield was home to one Ed Gein during the 50's, who was basically the inspiration for the villains in both Psycho and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Ed Gein was a monster of his environment, and yet people around him had no idea, as he was this quiet mild mannered guy who got along with everyone. It's always the quiet ones you gotta beware of. Anyway, because of this Halloween marathon, I am now glued to the TV along with this sedentary computer for the day, writing a breakout session and preparing the powerpoint for it I am giving this weekend (I was asked to lead a session on whatever I wanted to for this evangelism event, and I am talking about preaching...should be interesting; will blog about that next week). Taking the kid out tonight in his Spiderman costume...he looks great with the foam muscles and the mask! Now, if I could just find my blue jumpsuit and an old butcher knife, along with that white mask... More later...